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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands spent his way out of our relationship Help

44 replies

11pud · 23/11/2017 10:57

I'm in a really sticky spot. Basically I've fallen out of love with my partner. He's a kind man but we've been through so much in the last few years I think it's sobered me up to his faults and I want out. He is addicted to spending money and being flash despite us being relatively poor. He drinks too much but because it's wine he thinks it's fine. He wants to live a life like his brother but his brother earns £100k plus. He won't be talked round to living more frugally. He is recently self employed so he could 'follow his dreams' and whilst business is ok- we still quite often need to ask for loans from parents which I hate doing but he has no problem with it. Recently he 'surprised' me and booked us a trip away- the next month we were broke and had to get another loan. He has no idea.
His mother treats me like absolute dirt for no other reason than I don't iron my DS clothes 'as much as she would' and silly things like that.
My fathers always been great with finances and although he doesn't say- I know he must be worrying and shudders to think how are finances are. I want out as I feel so out of control but I'm scared me leaving him will give my father a heart attack as I wil need to live with parents with my 2 kids- my fathers just bankrolled my brothers divorce and I just feel trapped, embarrassed and scared.
I'm not working as I've not long ago had a two month premature baby which has caused me an enormous amount of stress. I do help out with the business a lot though.
I'm just fed up of scrimping and doing the numbers so that other half can maintain certain lifestyle. I want out but don't know how. Do I seem bad for wanting to leave him because essentially of financial reasons?

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/11/2017 12:24

Is the house in his name because he bought it and pays the mortgage?

WellErrr · 23/11/2017 12:27

Is he your husband or not?

Original poster

11pud · 23/11/2017 12:28

Thanks everyone. Some good advice to certainly take into consideration. I'm very grateful and will give it much thought.

Not sure why I called him husband on title- we've been together 10 years so I suppose it's just my way of thinking woops.

I am suffering with pnd- I had a horrific birth with both sons- I fitted with pre eclampsia and lost 3 litres of blood the 2nd time in an emergency section.

I was in hospital for 2 weeks and day I came home I stupidly started hoovering and stopped and sat down but realised- not once did my partner tell me to stop. I think that was a defining moment in our relationship. His mum fell out with me during my 2nd pregnancy because I implied she interfered too much- I explained she was such a help to us but some things I don't need help with and she stopped talking to me. I had our son 2 months early- she didn't come and see me in the hospital just my son in NICU- she didn't ask how I was to my partner at all. I sat in the next ward over and she didn't come and visit me despite knowing the state of my health (I fitted after pregnancy and had to have a procedure to lower my bp as I was at sebeee risk of having a stroke ) it ended with me apologising to her when I came out of hospital and my partner saying 'at least it's sorted now then aye'.

Sometimes I worry that if I leave him his mother is so clever at deceiving and manipulating that she will gain her son full custody of our sons due to my depression issues in regards to my mental health.

I'm worried I will end up with no house, no children, no money, no father (health), no mental health, no physical health (I now have kidney and heart problems from my pre eclampsia).

I always manage to talk my way back to staying.

OP posts:

Original poster

11pud · 23/11/2017 12:30

Not my husband*

OP posts:

Original poster

11pud · 23/11/2017 12:33

House in his name as I missed a credit card payment at uni and couldn't get mortgage (trust me I know that sounds ridiculous but it's true) and the deposit was half my money and half his mothers money- when I worked full time I paid half the mortgage.

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 23/11/2017 12:36

Talk to your parents. As a parent, I can honestly say I would rather my daughter left a bad relationship, especially a financially damaging one, and came back under my roof than carry on because she was afraid to confide in me and ask for help.

You will be entitled to benefits, and there is so much that is wrong with your relationship that I don't know where to begin. The financial incompetence simply will not get better because this is how he is.

As for worrying that your MIL will help her son gain full residence - utter rot. Your health issues will not prevent you from being an effective parent. At best he might get 50/50 but you might be as well speaking to a solicitor (free half hour) or Women's Aid to put your mind at rest about child arrangements and benefits.

Having been married to a financial incompetent who nearly lost us our family home, I can say you need out now before the situation worsens even more.

RandomMess · 23/11/2017 12:38

You need to get your name on the deeds of the house!! The fact he is self employed is a good reason to do this, your name doesn't have to be on the mortgage!

Original poster

11pud · 23/11/2017 12:39

Also just to add- he is not a bad personal, he is warm and he is kind. He also does not spend to show off its just so he can do nice things- I know that's still awful and frustrating but he doesn't brag or flash things that he does- he doesn't have Instagram or Facebook. His whole family are hedonists through and through- his dad earns tonnes of money but they have no savings. My dad earns a little above average but has saved lots and is very comfortable because he has a happy but modest life. I try to instill that in other half but with no luck- he thinks the way my dad lives is boring.

OP posts:

Original poster

11pud · 23/11/2017 12:42

Sorry I'm not very savvy but can my name be on the deeds but not the mortgage? Thank you

OP posts:

BelleandBeast · 23/11/2017 12:45

My partner sounds like yours, he as let me down so much I've lost all respect.

Get your name on the deeds and do nothing until this is done, the deposit was half your money and you paid the mortgage when you could.

I have sent you a PM and

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/11/2017 12:47

Why aren't you on the deeds already? Did you move into a house he already owned?

BelleandBeast · 23/11/2017 12:54

You can be on the deeds, you have contributed financially and you are looking after the children.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/11/2017 13:12

Yes they can be on deeds

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 23/11/2017 13:16

Your parents aren't stupid OP. They will know that you yourself are a responsible person who happens to be in a relationship with someone who likes to live beyond their means.

When you ask them for a loan, they no doubt see their daughter who cannot work at the moment due to having a premature baby at home and who is being "supported" by an irresponsible arse who has chosen the time when a new baby was on the way to "follow his dreams" and give up a set income for the uncertainty of self employment. They will be lending you the money because they want to help & don't want you to have added financial stress on top of everything else.

This doesn't mean that they wouldn't actually be very relieved if you were to cut your losses and go it alone.

Surely when somebody first becomes self employed they need to save everything they can in good months, to give a cushion for the bad months? At least until they can see an annual pattern (good in March, bad in August etc.) building up.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 23/11/2017 13:22

Gosh - lots of updates since I started typing my last post!

Everything you've written is more reason to leave.

for you.

Splinterz · 23/11/2017 13:25

Sorry I'm not very savvy but can my name be on the deeds but not the mortgage?

Yes

Ellie56 · 23/11/2017 13:37

Yes get your name on the deeds before doing anything.

430West · 23/11/2017 13:53

No, you can't 'get your name the deeds' without being party to the mortgage.

If you're married, you can claim beneficial ownership using a specific form at the Land Registry but as you're not married you won;t be able todo this.

The fact that half of the deposit came from you can give rise to beneficial ownership.

Do you have documentary evidence that the deposit money came from you?

Motoko · 23/11/2017 15:18

I don't think you can get your name on the deeds if you're not on the mortgage. And as you're not married, unless you can prove you paid half of the deposit, you might have lost that money too.

Speak to your parents, tell them everything. As others have said, they'll probably be relieved that you're thinking of leaving him. They're probably very worried about you already.

Don't worry about MIL and losing your children, it's highly unlikely to happen, and you'll have your family to give you support.

Go and speak to your parents. You can get through this.

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