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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

step son and wife want to make up

51 replies

Dinkiedoo · 22/11/2017 17:28

well husbands step son and wife haven't spoken to us in 5 years. they got married and had 2 children. All this we found out 3rd hand. Hubbys dad was seriously ill and step son got in touch 6 months after this. He knew full well what was going on .
Neither of us are interested . Its hubbys step son from his first marriage so nothing to do with me . I said its up to him if he wants to get back in touch . Ive been blamed for everything by this lads mum and now lack of contact is also being blamed on me. Ive learnt to keep quiet and not get involved with any of it as my words are twisted.
My step son (husbands son ) is now being cold with me and I am sure he is being "turned" by the other relatives.
In all honesty I think hubbys step son is thinking we have come into money . We have both got new cars and had work done on the house .He got in touch and asked if we would go with him to see husbands parents with us ! He wrote to hubby as if the last 5 years had not happened .He asked to make up. we have not replied to any messages .
I know people say life is too short but we just can t be doing with them especially now that they have kids. We know that if we did make up and got close to the kids there would eventually be fall out and they would be involved .AIBU to stay away ?

OP posts:
user1471548375 · 27/11/2017 23:45

The lad disowned the whole part of hubbys family with his childish silent treatment

Imagine that, a child, behaving childishly.

Your DH was involved in his life since he was three, he's now reaching out. I think your DH should at least make the effort.

That being said, you both sound quite childish yourselves.

Crispbutty · 28/11/2017 00:46

Is your husbands son the stepsons half brother? If so then he is connected to your family and always will be.

tararabumdeay · 28/11/2017 01:46

So your fella, (F), used to be with Girl, (G) and she (G) already had a boy child(G'sB)

G'sB want's a piece of F's inheritance even though he's G's and not F's. That's ridiculous!

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/11/2017 02:57

Imagine that, a child, behaving childishly.

5 years ago he was not a child if he has gotten married and had 2 kids since the falling out.

gingergenius · 28/11/2017 03:08

Having been involved with a toxic family via my now exH I can safely say there are usually 2 sides to this kind of story. My exH grandmother used to spout all sorts of untrue toxic shit to anyone in the family who would listen. His mother (exmil) is the same.

Perhaps you should all talk through a mediator to avoid the drama and get to the root of things.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/11/2017 03:39

Actually, has not a bad idea.

Suggest family therapy, were you all get together to try and sort things out. Make sure the suggestion comes from you. Then if anyone says no, there can be no blame attached to you. If they agree then hopefully it could lead to improved relations all round.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/11/2017 03:46

Personally, I would leave things to settle down, you know full well what he is after ! When he realises he isn't getting anything, he'll probably back off. Failing that, you could just send them a Christmas card.

Bubblebubblepop · 28/11/2017 03:51

I don't think it has anything to do with you really, it's up to your H to decide what he wants to do

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/11/2017 03:55

Your dhs stepson is holding out an olive branch. I’m assuming he went NC with your dh when he split with his ex.

Don’t underestimate the hold a parent can have on an adult child. Personally I would see where it goes. Perhaps his ss is pulling away from his mother and acknowledging your dh brought him up. It would be a shame to miss out on this. And if he is being an arse, you can walk away.

Your dhs ex wife sounds like a bitch. I bet she had nothing good to say about your ss’s father. And now she has nothing good to say about your dh... or you.

RosyWelshcakes · 28/11/2017 04:05

OP you're really not being clear.

She's been very clear.

RosyWelshcakes · 28/11/2017 04:08

Is your husbands son the stepsons half brother? If so then he is connected to your family and always will be

He's not. There is no blood tie between the OP's DH and his stepson who now wants to renew contact.

MidniteScribbler · 28/11/2017 04:12

Please stop saying hubby and hubs, it sounds ridiculous.

tillytown · 28/11/2017 06:56

RosyWelshcakes she was asking if the two sons were related, which they are. The stepson isn't blood related to the husband, but he has raised him since he was 3, he is his dad.

NinjaPig · 28/11/2017 07:38

I can well believe that the stepson had no family at the wedding, my sister in law did this & my DH went NC due to how much it hurt his parents.

So - to recap; stepson realised since 3, hated stepmother (OP) eventually went NC with DH, got married, had kids & now wants back in the family now he realises there's money available.

SS had made awful remarks about OP for years - suggesting he's been involved with OP & family for a while..

Hmmmm - what if DH made contact warily, but if asked about the money, say it's all gone. The way SS reacts will tell you all you need to know.

NinjaPig · 28/11/2017 07:39

Raised, not realised

BarbarianMum · 28/11/2017 07:55

How old was ss when your dh's marriage to his mum split up? Excuse me for asking, but did your dh leave his first marriage to be with you?

pollythedolly · 28/11/2017 07:58

This sounds familiar. DHs SD is the same. She’s not nice, sent appalling messages, chose NC. DH accepted this. She comes back in contact it’s up to him. I however won’t have anything to do with her, she’s toxic and only got in contact previously to either be nice if she wanted something or be vile.

Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 10/01/2018 18:33

hubby does have a biological son with ex and we have always got on really well. I also get on well with all of hubs family His son ..my step son had been cold with me for a few months .It seems ok now BUT we not interested in re starting a relationship with hubbys step son and his wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 10/01/2018 18:34

this "child" is 30

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 10/01/2018 18:40

to answer a few other things
Hubby did not go NC when him and his mum split but when he met me a year after they split he stopped coming round. We still had hubbys son every weekend and I mean EVERY weekend as well as a night in the week once we got serious. We encouraged family gatherings as often as we could .
It was when we got married that it all turned sour. Coincidence ???

OP posts:
Bananamanfan · 10/01/2018 18:40

If he brought step son up from the age of 3, I imagine your DH is 'Dad'. Your mention of not being thanked for bringing him up is quite telling. Were you instumental in DH's stepson being rejected by his 'dad'?

BeckettsandChapel · 10/01/2018 18:41

Do your husband has one biological child with his ex and also raised her child from a young age. The non biological child he raised stopped speaking to him and went off and had his own family and only got in touch recently after your husbands dad died and your husband has not responded which has made your husbands biological son go cold on him, is that right ?

So you think the non biological son has got in touch as you think he thinks there is inheritance?

sonjadog · 10/01/2018 18:47

This will all be turned around to be your fault now, OP. You have been warned. Your every turn of expression will now be analyzed to show how you really hated him and it is ALL YOUR FAULT.

What do they actually want to do to make up? Have they suggested anything in particular? I suggest you go for non-committal. Play it really slowly (the odd email, Christmas cards) for a while. Then you can see are they serious about it, or when they realize that you aren't going to offer them money or whatever it is they want, they will disappear again.

Gazelda · 10/01/2018 18:54

If you DH loved his SS as his own from the age of 3, and for the next 20+ years, I think it'd be a shame for him not to gently and slowly re establish contact. You could stay in the background while they do this, so that you don't catch the flack if it goes wrong. Then if it all pans out OK, your DH can include you.

Quartz2208 · 10/01/2018 19:09

How old was he and what made it turn sour - without knowing this no one can form an opinion.

What is clear is that there is a mutual dislike

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