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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not reply to text from STBXH

38 replies

HalfMyLife · 22/11/2017 15:51

STBXH left 8 months ago - shortly after he left, he started seeing a woman he works with (suspect he was before he left but that's by the by).

He sees the DC (11 & 5) once every 3 or 4 weeks with about 4 days notice because this is apparently when he gets his shifts. He lives closer to the DC's school than me, and has 3 or 4 days off per week.

It's now 4 weeks since he last saw them, or spoke to them and has not been in touch to arrange to see them any time soon.

I got a text from him a week ago asking if his GF can come to the oldest DC's school performance next week. I haven't replied.........

The DC have met his GF twice - oldest DC struggles with his dad being with someone else, and i have had to convince him to go (through gritted teeth) on the occasions that she's been there. He will NOT want her to come, and i think it's unfair to expect him to deal with those feelings on top of being nervous about his performance.

STBXH has not been to any school events since he left - not even parent's evening, despite me giving him a full list of dates at the start of the school year.

I'm fuming that he can't make arrangements to see his kids, but wants to play the proud father in front of his GF (who works with him and presumably gets the same amount of notice of her shifts, so i don't understand how she knows over 2 weeks in advance that she's free to come to a performance .

I really don't want to say 'yes, that's fine' - because i think really he knows it's not and he's just looking for me to give permission to make himself feel better about it.

On the other hand - i'm not going to say 'no' because he'll accuse me of being unreasonable.

So the only other option is to not respond..........

AIBU?

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/11/2017 15:54

why not ask your DC what they want and then use that to guide the answer ? its a tough one but if your DC want them there, givde it a miss and put it down to very very annoying experience

WhoWants2Know · 22/11/2017 15:56

I would reply that your child has said that he would prefer not, as it feels a bit soon.

Swizzlesticks23 · 22/11/2017 15:56

Sorry what on earth is STBXH

RatherBeRiding · 22/11/2017 15:58

Well I would ask the child in question what they think about the suggestion, and take it from there. If the child is as against it as you think, there's your answer.

At 11 they are old enough to have their feelings respected.

SilverySurfer · 22/11/2017 16:00

STBXH is Soon to be Ex Husband.

OP, I would ask your DC and let Ex know accordingly.

DO3271 · 22/11/2017 16:00

Tell him each child gets 2 tickets and you are having one.

Or tell him the truth, that his child would only want his parents. Or really wind him up and say you'll bring your boyfriend!

The bloke is an arse.

dawnc27 · 22/11/2017 16:00

id say sorry its 2 tickets per child, that way youre not saying an outright no

scrabbler3 · 22/11/2017 16:02

I'm not sure I'd give your child the opportunity to say yes or no - (s)he'll feel guilty either way. I think you need to deal with it - ignoring the text means that they may just show up. Say that you are ok with the gf seeing the kids but that it's a bit soon to come to a school play. Hopefully he won't insist.

TwoBlueFish · 22/11/2017 16:02

STBXH soon to be ex husband

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2017 16:08

Would she even get a ticket? He sounds completely disengaged from normal school stuff so that seems the easiest get out and doesn't put DC in a difficult position. I'd say it won't be possible as there are two tickets per child - presuming it's true or he won't bother to find out otherwise, as suggested above - and don't get into it with him.

"Each child gets allowed two tickets for the performance and I'm taking one of them so it's not possible for you to have two". Don't apologise or make excuses. He probably won't reply or check with school.

Cindie943811A · 22/11/2017 16:17

Say your DS will be embarrassed for his friends to s his DH with a new partner no anyway, only 2 tickets per family

RhiannonOHara · 22/11/2017 16:17

This.

Cindie943811A · 22/11/2017 16:17

See

FizzyWaterAndElderflower · 22/11/2017 16:17

Why can't he arrange his own tickets? Talk to his own children? I'm struggling to see why you have to be involved at all?

And yes, if there's a restricted number of tickets per family, then it's up to you.

DJBaggySmalls · 22/11/2017 16:21

Ours really do limit tickets, and its immediate family only.
I'm pretty sure he gave you enough ammo for you to call him The Grinch from now on.

Original poster

HalfMyLife · 22/11/2017 16:24

Thanks everyone. It's at the church, so he'll know that it's open house and not ticketed.

DD has a Xmas performance the following week and he's shown no interest in that.
I also don't think it's fair to leave it up to DS - he's struggling with the whole situation and he tied himself in knots the first time his dad wanted him to meet his GF.

I told STBXH that first time, that DS wanted to see him, but wasn't ready to meet his GF (after listening carefully and discussing with DS what he actually wanted) and i was accused of turning his son against him and putting ideas in his head (even though i was the one who in the end convinced DS to go). DS was told that if he wanted to see his dad he had to see her as well, so he's not likely to have his feelings respected unfortunately.

Sorry - I know there isn't an easy answer and whatever i do, or not do is going to have a possible impact on DS.

and yes, DO3271 - he really is an arse

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 22/11/2017 16:26

DD’s school genuinely does limit tickets to 2 per child - it’s quite normal. Would he check do you think?

That said, for me the fact that your DC would be embarrassed to have his dad & new girlfriend at school so soon would be absolutely enough for me to say a firm “no”.

Bibidy · 22/11/2017 16:29

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like your ex will listen to you or DS's feelings on this, so it might be best to just tell him it's up to him. That way he can't blame you for anything and you can't be seen as giving him any permissions.

I'd just tell him it's not your business and it's up to him, but it would be nice if he could see DC before then as it's been quite a long time and they won't be able to interact with him at the play.

YouTheCat · 22/11/2017 16:32

If you reckon he's just going to turn up anyway and it's not a ticketed event, I'd just not respond and leave the twat hanging.

rightsofwomen · 22/11/2017 16:33

I would tell him to ask DS and make his own decision.

AnnaleeP · 22/11/2017 16:36

Can you just say 'do what you think is best'.

You know the best thing is for him to come on his own, but if you say so he'll probably be an arse about it. Soon enough your ds will be able to say what he wants and you won't need to feel so involved.

Good luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2017 16:36

Hmm, if tickets aren't an issue then I wouldn't bother to reply I don't think. It's up to him what he does with his own time and now you're no longer together, neither he nor his lack of effort is your problem. Was he asking permission to bring her, giving you a heads up it's happening whether you like it or not, or asking you to organise it for him/them?

Given his past behaviour, he's honestly unlikely to decide not to bring her even if you say you and DC would rather not. He sounds like a pain in the arse so restrict all communication to contact and this isn't a contact issue as they're going to be with you and he wants to tag along to spectate.

You can't fob him off if it's a free for all, and you don't want to give him any ammunition by getting into a spat about her attending things, or give him an excuse for his shoddy parenting "I really wanted to be there to support DC but she wouldn't let me, she's SO unreasonable, all I'm trying to do is be a good dad blah blah". If you say the DC don't want her there he'll accuse you of putting ideas in their heads.

How he spends his evenings is his problem. You're not his social secretary. Thank god. She's his problem now!

Mamabear4180 · 22/11/2017 16:37

It's a shame your ex can't put the DC before his GF. If you only split up 8 months ago it's going to be strange for the DC.

On the other hand, I think I'd step out of it altogether and let ex make the decision on the play himself. It sucks but it's probably better if everyone is matter of fact about the GF She's already met the DC so they know now.

It might not be what your DS wants but if everyone attempts to be positive about her maybe he will get used to it.

Original poster

HalfMyLife · 22/11/2017 16:45

Thank you ladies - Anne - he was asking permission, but you've hit the nail on the head with your reply, that's exactly the problem - he will do what he wants regardless, and look to blame me for something along the way.

I'm going to stick to my 'no reply'. I'll just make sure i get there early so i can sit near the front, and hopefully i'll be oblivious to whether they're even there.

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 22/11/2017 16:54

I personally would go with "Ds has expressed his discomfort at the idea of her being present but I guess the decision is yours".
You know he will do what he wants anyway but at least you have spoken on behalf of your DS so STBXH cannot say he didn't know DS didn't want her there.

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