To not reply to text from STBXH

[HalfMyLife]

STBXH left 8 months ago - shortly after he left, he started seeing a woman he works with (suspect he was before he left but that's by the by).

He sees the DC (11 & 5) once every 3 or 4 weeks with about 4 days notice because this is apparently when he gets his shifts. He lives closer to the DC's school than me, and has 3 or 4 days off per week.

It's now 4 weeks since he last saw them, or spoke to them and has not been in touch to arrange to see them any time soon.

I got a text from him a week ago asking if his GF can come to the oldest DC's school performance next week. I haven't replied.........

The DC have met his GF twice - oldest DC struggles with his dad being with someone else, and i have had to convince him to go (through gritted teeth) on the occasions that she's been there. He will NOT want her to come, and i think it's unfair to expect him to deal with those feelings on top of being nervous about his performance.

STBXH has not been to any school events since he left - not even parent's evening, despite me giving him a full list of dates at the start of the school year.

I'm fuming that he can't make arrangements to see his kids, but wants to play the proud father in front of his GF (who works with him and presumably gets the same amount of notice of her shifts, so i don't understand how she knows over 2 weeks in advance that she's free to come to a performance .

I really don't want to say 'yes, that's fine' - because i think really he knows it's not and he's just looking for me to give permission to make himself feel better about it.

On the other hand - i'm not going to say 'no' because he'll accuse me of being unreasonable.

So the only other option is to not respond..........

AIBU?

No reply is a good option. Make him make a decision. If you do want to reply/he calls and asks directly, Anne's response of "do what you think is best"

Refuse to be the bad guy.

See, my ex would keep bugging me if I didn't send a reply. On and on.

Why the hell does she want to go?
She has met the kids all of twice!
How tasteless. I don't blame you for thinking it's totally inappropriate. It is.

However, best plan of action is none. If he's an arsehole he'll just use your rationale against you. He's already accused you of turning your son against him for expressing your son's wishes, the. This is everything to do with them and their 'love' and nothing to do with supporting the kids. Let him get on with being the selfish idiot he is.

'A lot of people at this event are aware that you haven't made the effort to even see your children for over a month. So it would likely prove to be a fairly embarrassing evening for you both.'

I would reply. I would tell him it's wholly inappropriate and that the dc are not comfortable with it. Who cares what he says/who he blames afterwards?
Do what is in the best interests of your children - they don't want this, so be thrir advocate.
Yes, he will probably whinge/ignore you, but I always think it is best to make your and the children's feelings known. If you don't, he will justify bringing her in his own mind anyway.

Noooo...omg no. Don't tell him that ''A lot of people at this event are aware that you haven't made the effort to even see your children for over a month."
Talk about adding fuel to the fire! This would be malicious and, I hope, untrue as I'm sure you don't go around airing your dirty laundry at the school gates.
Terrible advice.

Tell him ds is struggling with the separation don't say yes or no just point it out

I think she wants to go as she thinks she's their step mother and she'll have the photos all over FB, while ignoring the fact her boyfriend is basically neglecting his children.

Well yes. Pair of twats.

Torn, one thing is poking at a drama bomb by telling him straight that this is too soon and she can go when the dc willingly invite her or going to quiet and him disrespecting his children's feelings. Personally I would probably pick the drama bomb and make it clear that this is too soon, she is too soon meeting the children and that he needs to make more of an effort being their father and listening to their needs rather then his wants.

I like the 'do what you think is best' answer in fact . You can't stop the bastard can you

Unpleasant for you but 😔

OP, from your original post and subsequent replies all I can say is you sound like the loveliest, most reasonable, kind, considerate person. I hope it all works out for you and that your DCs are coming to terms with the changes

LeCreuset - what a very lovely thing to say, thank you - I'm doing my best for myself and the DCs - it's not easy, but we're getting there xx

Shifty - there was a time when i would have "poked at the drama bomb" (love that) - I've tried in the past to get him to see how his behavior is affecting our DCs, but i'm slowly coming to accept that someone who didn't prioritize his family when he lived in the same house as them, is not suddenly going to turn into dad of the year, and i can't reason with a man who is as selfish as he is.

You have all reassured me though that IANBU to think that his request was unreasonable.