To think people often play out their parents choices and mistakes when they're adults?

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

I mean...when kids grow up, they seem to make similar choices or mistakes that their parents made.

My friend...her DH has done to her exactly what his Dad did to his Mum...shitty, shitty things and oddly specific.

My friend's Mum had the SAME things done to her by my friend's Dad...coincidence?

My other friend...his Dad was a serial philanderer...loads of affairs. He's just been found to be doing the same thing to his wife.

What do you think?

I think children model their behaviour on those around them. As a child has such a big input from the family it’s no surprise.
As we age, we should be exposed to other behaviours. We can therefore try to recognise and modulate more harmful behaviour patterns.

Of course, that’s hard to do. It requires self awareness and a degree of mental resource, so it’s not surprising that people play these patterns out again and again.

Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. My life couldn't be more different to my parents.

One of the reasons I'm terrified of having children is that I might replicate my mothers abusive behaviours, which were passed on to her by her abusive grandmother (who was her primary carer for a large part of her childhood).

I definitely see repeating nurture patters in the people I grew up with.

My ex repeated the shitty behaviour of his Dad even though he’s fully aware of how that shitty behaviour affected him and his family deeply.

I haven’t repeated my parents’ behaviour. I am so scared of repeating my mum’s highly abusive behaviour that I am the complete opposite.

I think it is about self-awareness. Some behavioural traits easily go down generations, such as personalities and narcissistic personalities and toxicity.
If people are aware of that behaviour and attempt to break that cycle then it generally doesn't carry on.

Apprentice you sound very self-aware though.

My parents went through a hideous divorce and my DF died about a year after which I'm convinced has made me totally commitment phobic.
I don't think it's about mirroring I think it's about being influenced. If you grew up treating women like shit you'll probably think it's normal. As a very vague example.

Hen it's interesting isn't it? I like the idea of transgenerational trauma...well, not LIKE it exactly...but the idea that we carry extreme traumas which go back many generations is fascinating.

I have always had a weird thing about sleeping outside...I love it...and get a sort of urge to just lie down and go to sleep in the open air.

Did my family tree and found that my paternal great gran was a Romany gypsy.

Queen that must have been traumatic for you!

My parents were in love and committed all their lives so I expected nothing less....my DH's parents sniped and were very bitter to one another all their lives and it took DH quite a time to unlearn that.

As a dc I grew up finding myself in many situations that when I look back were incredibly harmful, abusive and unsafe. Before I had my dc, and up til recently, I considered that my childhood had been pretty run of the mill, standard stuff.
Now... I am aware of the reality I guess. I won't put my dc in those situations, I won't have abusive people around my dc, I won't normalise crap parenting. I do my absolute all to avoid my dc seeing hearing and just experiencing what I did.
So I guess while many go on to replicate it, others see it for what it is and do their all to absolutely change the pattern.

My mum had an uneasy relationship with her mother. To give an example, she received no help at all from my grandmother (who was retired and in good health) when she was hospitalised for several weeks and had two pre-school children (me and my brother) to look after. My Dad's parents were dead, so they had to manage with him juggling his job and getting help from his aunt and uncle, friends, neighbours etc.

If I was in a similar situation I know 100% that my mum would do anything for me. She has broken the pattern she experienced with her own mum.

Ellen yes it IS possible to alter the course of future generations. I had a neighbour once, a single parent who'd had a terrible childhood but she was SO dedicated to not having that happen to her child, I was so in awe of her style really.

@Cheap I think that the effects of WW1 and 2 has had a knock on effect for sure. It is fascinating but saddening at the same time.
For me personally I am very much aware of the narcissism running through generations in my family and it only highlights who is enabling that behaviour and should you call them out on it or go against the grain then you are the devil. The general rule is that some people don't know that what they do or say is wrong. They will deny it til their last breath. But I'm convinced some of it must be purposeful and they do know what they are doing. And if they have a mother or father before them who did the same surely they'd be able to draw comparisons rather than remain oblivious.
I guess it depends on how well conditioned they were by the previous generation.

Some people do the same things they were bought up around. Some don’t. I think you either go one way or the other.

DPs Dad was violent to him, his DM and his siblings. He was a drunk and just all round a right wanker. Their house was repossessed and he left them with literally nothing.

I can happily say that DP is nothing like him, sure, he has a bit of a temper but he’s never once raised his hands to me or DS and would never do the things his dad did to us because he knows what it’s like to be bought up in a home like that and he doesn’t want that for our son or any future children.

My mother was a complete narcissist and it was only when I became an adult that I realised how dysfunctional and abusive she was to me.
I try my best every day to not turn into her and to my shame I sometimes fail. Yes I have screamed at my DC and slapped them. I try and try and try not to do this (and it is rare) but sometimes I do snap and my mum takes over. I realise this and we talk about it and I apologise and I continue trying to not be her. I was slapped by her on a weekly basis and I hate myself but I do fail and turn into a monster sometimes.

Oh see I'm not your neighbour then lol
I still shout, my house is a tip, but my kids go to bed safe and warm with full tummies and knowing they're loved. They're not listening out for acts of violence, living in fear. They won't be worrying their toys will be broken as payback for some minor behaviour problem, or having to watch their sibling eat dinner they've been sick into.
My childhood was grim.

The one area I have broken is that despite them having a crap mum, my DC are just amazing and we are very close. I look after them and they come to me and we talk about anything. My DD will one day hit puberty with my full support and she asks me anything and I don't lie to her. I am proud of this - she won't have to leave blood stained knickers in her bedroom hoping desperately I will see them and help her stop dying, which is what happened to me as I was too scared to talk to my mother.

Ohh, I also actually hug and kiss them Go me!! I am so sad at my childhood

I agree that it's about self-awareness.

I had a very abusive father and a borderline emotionally abusive Stepfather (who is also racist, homophobic, etc).

I have purposefully chosen a DH who is thoughtful, respectful, kind and tolerant.

Our relationship couldn't be more different to what I witnessed growing up.

I have been there and done that. There are very honest replies on this thread. Will you screw up and copy learned behaviour. Yes

Can you change. yes

Sadly yes. We are fighting a rearguard action with our 18yo (adopted age 8) who, left to her own devices, would have already repeated some critical mistakes made by Birth Mum.

I think it's possible to change and challenge those patterns, but that our childhood experiences always leave their traces in our adult lives to some extent. My mum had a terrible relationship with her mother - I don't think she'd call it emotionally abusive, but it has left her with some deep emotional scars. She was the absolute opposite as a mother, I think pretty consciously, and though generally great, I think the mistakes she did make were a sort of 'over compensation' - going too far in the opposite direction. I was talking about this with my counsellor, and my fear that I'll pass on my own issues to my future children, and she pointed out that my mum proved that you don't have to just replicate your own parenting, so if there are things I want to 'adjust' further I can. I suppose it takes a certain degree of self-awareness and consciousness about the patterns you're replicating, though, which can be very hard to have, especially if your early experiences have been traumatic ones.

Hmmm, I think we react to our upbringing almost constantly. Sometimes by making the same mistakes, sometimes by very consciously doing the absolute opposite.

Love the idea of transgenerational trauma. My grandmother is a terrible narcissist and an awful parent, who has made a series of terrible choices around men with devastating consequences for her daughters. The trauma created by her parenting style has deeply affected her three children, which in turn has affected my generation. It sounds awful, but I don't think there will be any peace in my family until she dies. She is that toxic.

I think also that there’s a delicate balance between acknowledging that our upbringings shape our world view and being responsible for our own actions. We must be careful not to fall too much into a victim mindset because that closes off other options - we are, generally, in control of our reactions. And responsible for them.

Wrong thread!