There is some background to this so I'll be as brief as I can. Growing up she was an awesome Gran to me and my big sister, and we both have close relationships with my grand and grandad because of this. Over the years, however, we have begun to notice that she is actually very self-centered and manipulative, and really quite shrewd about it.
One thing that really affects other family members is that she demands money from us for any gift-giving holiday/special day. Whilst I have no issue with why folks would want money instead of gifts, I hate the way she's gone about this request and treated my family over it. A few years ago, my gran approached my sister and parents when I wasn't there and told them that she, my grandad and uncle (who lives with my grandparents) wanted money for all holidays from now on. This was a demand, not a request, and all my family spoke to me afterwards feeling very hurt by the way she had spoken to them. At the time, I wasn't in a financial position to give gifts or money and my gran never approached me in the same way. I advised my family to do what they felt was best, if my gran wants money then fine, but speak to my uncle and grandad to see what they actually want.
The Mother's Day after this, my dad took flowers to her house and before anyone had said hello she said "You should have given me the money for them instead, I told you that" and refused to take the flowers. Safe to say my Dad was pretty hurt about that. We have also since found out that my grandad doesn't get to keep any money that he receives for holidays/birthdays etc.
Since this, I have got married and DH's business has got off the ground, leaving us in a much better financial position than a few years ago. Once that happened, my gran invited me out for lunch and then demanded that we also give her money. I explained that, as it's my DH that goes out and earns the money, I'm not comfortable just giving it away to my family without talking to him about it as well, as gift giving is a large part of the holiday spirit in his family. She told me she accepted this and then asked if I wanted gifts instead. I said we are happy with good family company, and if she ever felt the need to give a gift that we are very happy with a small token, a box of chocolates or a card. She went on to tell me about the awful gifts she had received from church friends, focusing especially on an apparently hideous scarf, and I thought the matter closed (she gave me the scarf for my birthday that year and I believe from her behaviour surrounding it that it was another one of her games, which she plays pretty frequently. Not that it matters but it's actually a lovely scarf).
I think what I object to is the way she goes about things. She is blatantly rude to her own Son's face, she has demanded money from her grandchildren not only for herself but on behalf of others and has no regard for how anybody feels in this situation. She has tried to tell us how poor they are when the idea of gift giving has been brought up (whilst that shouldn't even be relevant, we know they aren't poor by a long stretch and that she's using it as a manipulation) and is quite aggressive to other family members when they try to stand up to her. I think the only reason I have managed to be honest with her without her shouting at me or feigning an angina attack (she generally saves this one for her sons) is that she knows I won't stand for it and never have.
Everyone in the family knuckles under and gives cash and moans behind her back. Her birthday is coming up in a week and I feel obliged to give her a gift because I give my uncle and grandad gifts. I feel sad that this is now the overriding emotion I have when thinking about buying my own grandmother a gift, but I hate the idea of knuckling under and giving her money after the way she has treated the family over it. I'm usually more than happy to fulfill requests for gifts, I want to get the people I love whatever makes them happy, but this just doesn't feel right. My parents, sister and brother in law have all expressed how happy they are that I don't give in to her. Am I justified here or am I being an unreasonable nutcase about it?