DS spending Xmas with his dad. For the first time. And he's being so Strict already

[CinnamonAndSpice]

So first time in 12 yrs he's ever gone to. His dad's.
As I've always said if he has him Xmas eve till Xmas night pm, and alternative the opposite yr I. E Xmas night till boxing night
He's always refused as ' don't want to drive over Xmas.

So this yr he's changed his mind and told me it will be 23-25th night time. Which I was kinda a bit like oh OK. I would of liked some. Of Xmas eve with him but fairs fair it's the first time he's been.
Anyway DS was unsure whether he wanted to. Go that long. When I asked he said ' because dad won't do Xmas eve hampers and stocking on bed and all the things you do.
I explained that it's not all about lots of gifts and that he would spend time with his dad and step family and new neice and nephew.
Also being as Xmas night we will be having dsd we would do ' Xmas eve a day late and boxing day would be like another Xmas'
So after lots of discussions he said he would go..

Since then and as I've said it's not about lots of gifts etc but his dad has set him a £50 limit. The same as his grandkids..
And for him to see what he wants
So DS is finding this hard as don't play toys, he likes sports gear and x box.. He has and does play with pretty much every board game too.

So a. It's hard to chose something with that budget. And when he does I. E some making slime kit his dad says no, I'm. Not having that mess here.. ( his stuff tends to stay there). He then saw a Lego set that he took a shine to, his dad's reply ' no. Too many little bits'

So DS is now saying everything I. Choose dad says no..
I said we'll see if dad can Suprise you. He said his dad said of he don't chose anything it will be put in his bank.
Wtf.. The bank is for when he's 18 or 21 I can't remember

Now I worry he won't have a good time and will want to be here.

I've text his dad and said how DS feels about it and if needed the stuff he's asked for he could maybe bring home and make here and he thinks that's a way of me not having to buy stuff.. Wtf..? I've done all his shopping and DS would know its from his dad as he'd of opened it there!

DS also saw an Adidas tracksuit in. Jd. On sale within the budget that he liked and his dad said I'm not paying that*( £35) on an outfit.
Even tho DS would appreciate that. And would have a little money left over for something small. Too.

You know what, he is 12, he doesn’t want to go, his dad is making a great job of making Christmas a miserable affair altogether. I would just tell his dad he isn’t coming for Xmas and that he will see him after when is Dad wants to come and get him.

Does he still want to go? It doesn't even sound as if his dad even wants him to go

Stick to your plan of doing Christmas Day on Boxing Day. I know it's not the same and next year let the bairn choose. He's plenty old enough to decide where he wants to go.

Personally I would pull the plug and tell the ex to knob off but I don't have the patience with my ex.

He might have a good time, especially if there are other kids there though.

Couldn't he pick an Xbox game for £50?

What age is ds old enough to vote with his feet I’d guess. Your ex sounds an arse will he spend more on his other kids?

I wouldn't make him go. His dad is already ruining Christmas for him before its even started. He asked him to choose a gift within a budget and has then dismissed every suggestion, he isn't willing to put any thought into gift giving, what else isn't he willing to do? This will be a miserable Christmas for your son, he would be much happier at home with you. I would tell his dad due to his behavior he won't be coming at Christmas and he can see him another time as he has done every other year.

Keep him at home. His dad sounds like an arsehole.

It's not the budget, its. the fact that he is knocking back anything your ds asks for.

I couldn't send my child knowing that Xmas would be utterly shit for them with a parent who won't even buy them something they actually want.

And what's wrong with Lego??

Your poor DS! I certainly wouldn't make him go. If your ex kicks up a stink, you can detail precisely why he's not going. At 12, I think he's more than capable of making a decision like that. He could even tell his dad himself that he won't be going over, even if it's just a text message, and say why.

Your ex sounds like a right twatbadger.

I think at 12 your son is old enough to decide what he wants. It sounds like Christmas at his dad's will be miserable. I can't imagine he'll be looking forward to it at all. If sit down with him.and find pit what he wants. He shouldn't be forced into something he doesn't want to do at Christmas the wee soul

He said about need for speed game and dad said too expensive
I think he's wanting to beable to buy 3-4 gifts for the budget

Yeah he said he still did and then said he'd feel bad if not but I said never feel. Bad do. What you feel Is right. And if he changed his mind I'd. Deal with his dad but he said he'd go.
He said his thinking is,, we have dsd on Xmas night to boxing day this yr then next yr Xmas day and he want to be with her and we have a dc due in spring so next yr hell be here with the baby's first Xmas as well as dsd. Which is very sweet of him

Just don't get involved and let his Dad sort it.

Tell him, I'm sorry your Dad is like this, but you'll have presents from us when you get home on Christmas night so you can look forward to that.

shitty thing for his dad to do.

I'd never make him go ever And have said if he changes mind then that's absolutely fine to stay here without a doubt x

I’d give him the option of not going. It doesn’t sound like his dad has made the effort in the past and he doesn’t seem to be willing to start now.

That was hard to read op!!

I'd actually stick my heels in and say he doesn't want to go.

I hate it when kids are forced to visit parents. I was forced to see my mother and I was miserable the whole time

That’s lovely of him but he must be at least 12 possibly older he can choose to spend every Xmas at home if he wants.

Yeah he did say Altho it will be 'well weird' ( in his words) doing Xmas eve on Xmas night with their hampers. Dvd and games then 'santa' will come again ( he don't believe but plays along for dsd) then will do Xmas day on boxing day with all family coming round etc. But he did say he's looking forward to that.

Thank you he is lovely, has his pre teen moments of course :p

Didn't make it clear when his dad said about this yr DS was given the choice. And he said yeah as he's never been despite knowing it will be different.
I've said no as we speak, if ever you change your mind for Any reason whatsoever you must tell me, you don't have to explain or justify yourself
He said yeah I'll go as I've never been and if it sucks I'll be home that night for the fun stuff and I have the rest of the holidays with you (as will be on mat leave)

I think it's me over thinking it more than him.

We've made no plans for Xmas as such in case he changes mind. Just gonna have a quiet one at in laws so he can come of he chnages his mind x

Does his Dad actually want him there?

My DD's Dad did this one year. Made a bing song and dance about having them for Christmas. Then made so many demands on them and put so many rules in place that they didn't want to go.

He got his usual childfree Christmas, but also extra kudos from his then-new girlfriend because he was so sad they'd chosen not to come...

At 12 your DS is old enough to choose for himself whether he wants to go to his dad or not.

This is obviously for your ex's benefit, as he has never bothered before (when your DS was little and would have been thrilled to be with his dad for Xmas), but has suddenly decided that your DS should do what he wants - not what your DS would prefer.

Three days is a very long time for a child to be away from home and miserable! Not wanting to buy your DS something he would enjoy because he thinks it isn't good value, or has a lot of small parts is awful. Christmas is a time when we normally indulge our children - it's not as though your DS has asked for a crack pipe and some crack cocaine!

Ask him if he would prefer to stay with you after all. If he says he would, tell your ex"No". Say that you have your Xmas traditional routine and you both want to keep it.

May I ask what the family set-up is with his dad (ie step-mother, half-siblings etc)? I'm wondering why he suddenly has decided he wants your son.

You mentioned grand-children - does your ex have an older family as well? Do they normally spend Christmas together and for some reason they aren't going to be with your ex this year?

It just seems a bit odd, and he seems a very selfish man. What contact does he have with your DS the rest of the year?

Yeah he said he wants him there but it's not about lots of money.. Not once have I said that, yes I think the budget is measly, and he shohld get more than step grandkids HOWEVER Ive never said that and explained to DS that it's about being with the family

I think they do. Lots of games etc which will be lovely and his step family will go there so be younger kids that I said he. May find fun helping build stuff with them.

So this yr he's changed his mind and told me it will be 23-25th night time

He 'told' you? Was there a discussion where you had a say in this? Why can't your son go for one night, either Christmas eve or Christmas night?

I honestly would be trying my hardest to put a stop to this. Your ex sounds horrible, he doesn't deserve it. If it's the 1st Christmas in 12 years he's had your DS, he should be making exciting plans for your DS, he sounds like he couldn't give a shit tbh.

If he does decide to go I'm sure he'll be fine, he sounds a sensible and caring DS. His Dad is a Grinch, DS might as well take the money!

Is there a subject at school he likes. Will daddy grinch buy him something educational to support him? Or maybe he could ask for a couple of vouchers for things?