DS spending Xmas with his dad. For the first time. And he's being so Strict already

[CinnamonAndSpice]

So first time in 12 yrs he's ever gone to. His dad's.
As I've always said if he has him Xmas eve till Xmas night pm, and alternative the opposite yr I. E Xmas night till boxing night
He's always refused as ' don't want to drive over Xmas.

So this yr he's changed his mind and told me it will be 23-25th night time. Which I was kinda a bit like oh OK. I would of liked some. Of Xmas eve with him but fairs fair it's the first time he's been.
Anyway DS was unsure whether he wanted to. Go that long. When I asked he said ' because dad won't do Xmas eve hampers and stocking on bed and all the things you do.
I explained that it's not all about lots of gifts and that he would spend time with his dad and step family and new neice and nephew.
Also being as Xmas night we will be having dsd we would do ' Xmas eve a day late and boxing day would be like another Xmas'
So after lots of discussions he said he would go..

Since then and as I've said it's not about lots of gifts etc but his dad has set him a £50 limit. The same as his grandkids..
And for him to see what he wants
So DS is finding this hard as don't play toys, he likes sports gear and x box.. He has and does play with pretty much every board game too.

So a. It's hard to chose something with that budget. And when he does I. E some making slime kit his dad says no, I'm. Not having that mess here.. ( his stuff tends to stay there). He then saw a Lego set that he took a shine to, his dad's reply ' no. Too many little bits'

So DS is now saying everything I. Choose dad says no..
I said we'll see if dad can Suprise you. He said his dad said of he don't chose anything it will be put in his bank.
Wtf.. The bank is for when he's 18 or 21 I can't remember

Now I worry he won't have a good time and will want to be here.

I've text his dad and said how DS feels about it and if needed the stuff he's asked for he could maybe bring home and make here and he thinks that's a way of me not having to buy stuff.. Wtf..? I've done all his shopping and DS would know its from his dad as he'd of opened it there!

It's hard to put the decision all on your ds. I say this because he sounds lovely but a people pleaser so is agreeing to go to keep his dad happy?
You know your son, if you think he'll be unhappy staying at his dad's for Christmas then encourage him to be honest and reassure him he won't be letting his dad down if he changes his mind (?)

His father is being an idiot over the presents though. He sounds very controlling and difficult

This is odd, as whilst I am entirely in agreement the boy should go where he wants, I thought on threads like these mothers were usually told they had to facilitate their DCs seeing their father and are told they are in the wrong for not persuading the kids and explaining away their ex-DH's arsehole behaviour.

Anyone else notice that or just me?!

I think that you and DS just have to accept that it is going to be a different experience at his dad’s house. Surely 12 is old enough to understand that sometimes you have to compromise around Christmas.

If there is going to be houseful, with other kids, he will have a good time, it will just be different, and you can do your thing when he gets back home to you.

StaplesCorner

Give it time...I'm sure some-one will be along soon to place fault with OP.

StaplesCorner

Give people time to get home from work

Why can't he drive on Xmas? Having a drink perhaps?

What are the contact arrangements for the rest of the year?

At twelve he is old enough to decide that he doesn't want to go, however at twelve kids are still at that stage where they still don't often have the confidence to genuinely say what they want as they don't want to rock the boat. Added to which as his dad has expressed an interest in having him for Christmas this is something he potentially does want to do but the arrangements are making him unsure iyswim.

If he has a regular contact schedule for the rest of the year then I honestly wouldn't sweat it really. It's just a day in the scheme of things, and although the presents thing is bloody annoying, he'll have presents at home with you when he comes back after a few days. I would just say nothing more and let your DS do the talking to his dad re the presents. And I wouldn't tell him that he doesn't have to go, because rightly or wrongly this could leave him feeling that he has to choose between you when actually he's old enough to be able to make the choices for himself without being influenced.

I don't really agree that a £50 budget is "stingy", it's the fact his dad is being almost deliberately stubborn and difficult over the choice of present. Threatening to put the money in an account for when he's 18! It's cruel.

I can't help thinking he has an agenda. Was he a controlling arse when you were with him? What are his reasons for wanting his son for Christmas suddenly after 12 years?

It seems like he's invited ds to piss you off or point score but doesn't actually want him there or want to make an effort to make it enjoyable.

To sort the present issue you could help your son to create a wish list on Amazon so that dad had plenty of choice of items. Then tell DS to leave it. It's not fair to put this much pressure on a 12 year old for Christmas. It's supposed to be fun.

Any books, DVDs or CDs he wants?
Agree with others though - just leave it up to DS but assure him he can change his mind if he wants to.

Poor ds. He's sticking to his budget (iv no problem with a budget) yet his dad still won't buy him what he wants even after a few suggestions - the guy must be dim

DeepPile and Frothy - ah, course I work from home so I'd forgotten that!! Although I hope everyone piles in and says poor DS and controlling arse ex-dh. For once.

I would of prefer 24-25th he lives about, 30 min away so I thought being as first time he's gone then maybe that would be fair.
His family set up. He's older than me..his new wife is his age who had kids, who have kids now. Theyre young.
As far as I know they are spending it all together x

As to why he don't want to drive Xmas I'm. Not sure maybe a drink?
I'm going to say for him to go the night time on 23rd rather than the whole day..

Cds and dvds are a good idea. I've brought a fair few. So he don't want doubles but have just suggested them.. He's currently on amazon having a nose lol

His reasons for not having Xmas in past is he don't want to drive over Xmas or he's been offered alot of money to work boxing day. He's always said in past if I can't have him 23rd to nye then I won't bother.. It was all or nothing .never had him nye either but again that don't bother me.

I just take with a pinch of salt most of the time. Often DS don't want to go at weekends so he stays here he's ways been given the choice since about 10y old.

He sounds miserable and controlling. Ask your son if he want to go, that he does not have to, if he does not want to. He is old enough to choose

I think the clue's in your last post OP "his new wife".

Perhaps she has pressured him to make more of an effort with his son at Christmas? So far he seems to be making a big effort to put his ds off coming.

This

“Perhaps she has pressured him to make more of an effort with his son at Christmas? So far he seems to be making a big effort to put his ds off coming. hmm”