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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stay away Christmas Day?

67 replies

DumbledoresPensieve · 20/11/2017 17:09

Inspired by another thread and my reply on there (I posted as below) I thought I'd post here for opinions on my specific thing.

We are planning on spending Christmas day with my in laws who we get on with very well, which includes OHs sister and her partner too. OH wants to stay there overnight, even though we're really local and I have no problem driving us home.

I really hate staying at other people's houses anyway, but more so now that DS who is 19m currently will not settle for the night in someone else's house. He used to, but he doesn't anymore even when it's somewhere familiar. We visit the inlaws lots so he knows the house etc.

I am currently trying to convince OH to return home for DS's bedtime - rather than trying to get DS settled fruitlessly for an hour or two before returning home anyway with everyone stressed - and invite his family to ours for the evening (there are no other children to accommodate and I'm happy to drive everyone or they could stay if they wanted). The idea came up in front of his Mum when we were thinking aloud, and she seemed quite happy to come to us for the evening. OH is not keen and wants to 'at least try' staying over there.

I have suggested that we do a dry run staying over there before Christmas and see how that goes with the view that of it's a success then we'll try staying on Christmas Day but if not then we won't. OH is huffy about this as he feels that at 19m DS should just settle wherever we put him down and that 'pandering' to him shows him he can kick off and get his way. I think he's too young to pick this up, and don't want a big stressy time on Christmas Day for any of us.

The following day we are spending with my family and the situation will be much the same there. He won't settle there - we can try but it's doubtful so I expect we'll end up coming home in the evening. Can't really invite everyone to ours that day as my family is huge plus there are is another child who will be going to bed there.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Uptheduffy · 20/11/2017 18:31

What happens if you don’t put him to bed? Does he get really upset or does he knock about a bit and eventually might fall asleep on a sofa? I certainly wouldn’t spend time trying to unsuccessfully settle him, but maybe he would pass out eventually despite the strange surroundings.

GreenTulips · 20/11/2017 18:31

I think your DH just wants to relax at his parents

So doesn't OP

Evelynismyspyname · 20/11/2017 18:33

This is one of those twisted threads where people tell the OP that she must martyr herself to the wishes of other adults and make a point of doing something she doesn't want to, and which will leave her with a crying, overtired child to deal with instead of a pleasant evening, in order to prove that she isn't ruled by her toddler.

timeisnotaline · 20/11/2017 18:35

I'd stay but I'd expect my dh to help equally with the settling- it's not clear if he would do this. If he is saying we should stay and you spend xmas evening settling our son while I hang out with my family then he is being an asshole.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 20/11/2017 18:35

OP for future years think about staying home and having your own family Christmas at your house. You could invite whoever to you, or see them on a different day.

We spent my DS's first two Christmases at other people's houses. After that I wasn't going anywhere. My DD has had every Christmas in her own home. I prefer to host than disrupt everybody. My DC are late teens now so I anticipate the next stage is they will want to spend it elsewhere and I will be glad we had those family Christmases at home.

wibblywobblyfish · 20/11/2017 18:36

I detest staying at other people's houses and I get where you are coming from. We used to cart our kids off home from the inlaws at about 9pm ish xmas day. DP would have been happy to stay but the hassle of packing up 3 kids plus presents and overnight stuff was more hassle than I could be arsed with. I struggle a bit with being sociable for that long and I like to slope off after a while. We are only 30 miles away so not too far and I'm not bothered about drinking. Kids would normally fall asleep in the car and we would do a quick transfer of them into bed.

ForalltheSaints · 20/11/2017 18:49

I don't blame the OP for wanting to be in her own home at night, and even more so with being willing to host part of the day.

Honeycombcrunch · 20/11/2017 19:00

Op, YANBU

Original poster
DumbledoresPensieve · 20/11/2017 19:06

I don't like staying at other people's houses much but I would happily stay there on Christmas night normally - I have done in years gone by and after parties there etc. I would rather be in my own bed but there are exceptions of course.

OH would/does help at bedtime but DS usually wants me. And when I say he won't settle I don't mean he'll want to stay up late etc I mean we'll try to put him down and he'll scream the place down. Last time we tried to stay there (August, OHs mums birthday) this is exactly what happened and we ended up having to pack up and come home, much stress all round and it ruined what had been a really lovely day.

He is usually really easy at bedtime, goes down happy and awake in his cot every night, and just rolls over and goes to sleep after ten minutes or so no problems and generally sleeps 12 hours. It's only when we're away from home that there's an issue.

I meant that everyone would be welcome to stay over no problem there's plenty of room and proper beds/rooms (OH's sister and partner would be staying at his mums anyway) and I would drive everyone if no one else was happy to stay sober - doesn't matter if I had to do two trips it's only 2 miles away!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/11/2017 19:14

Well if it’s two miles and they can stay I think he’s being unreasonable. Stay over another night. Just do xmas at yours, invite them all.

coconutpie · 20/11/2017 19:20

YANBU. Your DH is being a pain in the arse insisting on staying at his DPs when you live 2 miles away. If your DS won’t settle, then you need to head home - why put a sour end to the day unnecessarily when you’ll all be tired anyway so the last thing you’ll want is a screaming toddler. What I would do in your situation is stay til DC’s bedtime and then you head home with DC by yourself if DH wants to stay at his DP’s. Put DC to bed at home as normal and then plonk yourself in front of the tv and enjoy the peace and quiet! Bliss!

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 20/11/2017 19:23

If it's only 2 miles and you don't mind driving, why don't you agree to play it by ear on Christmas Day? Plan to stay there overnight, but agree to bail out if it's not working

museumum · 20/11/2017 19:36

For local weddings etc we stay out till about 9pm then being ds home. It’s very rare and exciting for him.
I’d do that.

Or sit downstairs with a glass of wine and let dh do bedtime.

Dealing with a screaming child at bedtime while everyone else chills downstairs and worrying they’re judging you/ds for not going to bed nicely is not fun.

GummyGoddess · 20/11/2017 19:37

Some babies just don't sleep anywhere else even if they're tired. YANBU, you see them all the time and you'll be there all day anyway. Dh can stay there while you go home, it will ruin your family Christmas if ds is grumpy the next day and that isn't fair.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 20/11/2017 19:38

I hate staying in other people's houses, and I refuse to do so at Xmas, with no care for who may not like it.

If you don't want to stay then don't. But don't use your kid as an excuse as there'll always be a counter for it. Saying you don't want to is quite finite.

Jenijena · 20/11/2017 19:44

I have a 20 month old who doesn’t sleep through and has always been a shocking sleeper. His brother (now 5) was also a bad sleeper although in a different way. Unless you’ve had a shit sleeper, you Just Don’t Get It. My kids have never fallen asleep because I’ve kept them awake (not even after three hours of cc). I have tried many different approaches, and I’ve just sucked it up now, cute kids, crap sleepers. So I’m with you, I don’t see why I’d make my day (and the next day) worse than it has to be, when I could go home. It’s not pandering, it’s making your life better.
Also I’d be anti social at home in the evening because frankly who wants to see more of relatives you’ve spent the day with, but recognise that not everyone is as curmudgeonly as me...

YouTheCat · 20/11/2017 19:49

If it's only 2 miles they could walk it.

YANBU. You've offered alternatives and your mil seems to be happy with that.

Butterymuffin · 20/11/2017 19:55

It's not a big imposition to get them to come to yours since a) you've said you'll drive them all there and back and b) it's very close anyway. Not sure people have read this properly! Once the toddler is happily in bed, everyone can relax and chill. The husband is being a bit stubborn for no good reason.

Needadvicetoleave · 20/11/2017 19:55

I'm with you on this one. We have 22 month DS. Terrible sleeper. Will not settle, and I end up spending hours on my own with him in the dark of we stay elsewhere. Not something if want to do Christmas day. The alternative is keeping him up and having him scream and scream and scream because he's tired but won't go to sleep.

We've stayed many places,any times. Not once have I got an evening with friends/ DH and not once have I been able to sleep past 2am. DS just doesn't settle in unfamiliar places.

Original poster
DumbledoresPensieve · 20/11/2017 19:56

MIL is happy with the suggestion yes, they're really laid back. Like I said we all get on great, I'm looking forward to spending the day with them. DS adores his Granny and Grandad too, he'll love it and no doubt be thoroughly spoiled all day!

I'm just dreading the night - and think that this solution could mean a stress free day/night for everyone, me included! OH is the sticking point he's getting in a right bloody grump.

@Jenijena Flowersit must be really, really hard having bad sleepers. DS wasn't great as a newborn, never napped unless it was on me, was rocked to sleep etc but once he got to about 9 months he just seemed to crack it when at home. No tricks here or anything I did to make him sleep well it was just luck, he just was happy to go down on his own one day.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 20/11/2017 20:10

I don't like staying at other peoples houses either.

Tell DH you are driving yourself home but are happy for him and DS to stay at MILS.

CottonSock · 20/11/2017 20:13

Don't you ever go on holiday?

ShimmeringBollox · 20/11/2017 20:22

Oh gosh, it's 2 miles away I would stay later than ds bedtime and take him home when he has had enough.
Even better if people are happy to come over to your place.
I prefer to go home too, much more comfortable and relaxing in your own bed after a long and busy day.
It's a lot different to being on holiday.

Original poster
DumbledoresPensieve · 20/11/2017 20:25

Yes, we do @CottonSock. Last year wasn't really a problem as DS was tiny, and woke through the night just like most tiny babies. I think he was 12 weeks when we went. This summer when he was about 16/17 months it was a nightmare. First three or four nights he was an absolute pest, wouldn't nap (normally has two a day), wouldn't settle for ages at night got completely overtired then he did settle for the next few nights.

Straight back to easy to put to bed DS as soon as we got home!

OP posts:
CottonSock · 20/11/2017 20:27

I missed that it's 2 miles away.. I couldn't be bothered but like my wine so nominate dh to drive hehe

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