AIBU to ask people questions to show I am interested

[Schoolfortrees]

I often don't know what to say in terms of social chit chat so rather than talking about myself I ask people lots of questions. I do this especially with people I may not know that well e.g. on the school run or when bumping into someone I know on the way to work.

I do this because I want to show that I am interested in their lives.

Questions I ask may include what they are having for tea that night, where they are going on holiday and what they are planning to do there, how their dc's music grading went, how often their dc practices their instrument etc. I sometimes ask how thing are at work and if they find the commute hard or have time for lunch breaks do overtime etc. I recently asked my dd's music teacher who had previously told me about a job they were applying for how the interview went and if they got the job. I asked this quietly but in front of other school mums if that makes any difference. I had the feeling that the music teacher looked a bit embarrassed.

I tend to ask lots of follow up questions to show my interest and because I feel uncomfortable talking about myself.

AIBU and at risk of coming across as a nosy parker?

If I am on nosy parker territory here, how else can i conduct my small talk?

It sounds like you might be asking too many questions. It's good to be interested in other people, but more open ended queries are better, less intrusive.

That sounds like an interrogation. Perhaps let them lead the conversation.
And asking that poor teacher if they got the job in front of parents who likely knew nothing about the interview? Mortifying.

Those are perhaps too ‘closed’

What are you having for tea tonight? - that’s quite intrusive and only has one answer.

The trick is to be a good listener not pepper people with questions.

Let them start talking. Watch how people do it a - they listen, and react without breaking the flow of what the answer is. A nod, a shocked expression, a chuckle, a ‘pfft!’ A raised eyebrow etc etc.

‘Going anywhere nice this summer?’ Is a good one. Then NO to ‘what will you do there.’ A better response would be ‘oh that sounds lovely - have you been before?’ And let them talk.

I wouldn’t like this tbh. I hate being questioned, and I like to keep stuff to myself really, especially if I don’t know the person I’m talking to very well.

I totally sympathise OP. I'm the same. I feel like if I didn't do this, ask lots of questions etc, then there would just be silence.

I think a few questions is good, especially these days when most people want to talk about themselves. But it's a fine line between interrogation. just the way that listening is good, being mistaken as a sounding board is not.

One of the most socially inept people I met (I worked with her) told me she never asked questions, didn't see the point and yes, she talked constantly and.had an opinion on everything.

I hate silence and pre-emptively ask all these questions to avoid silence.

For a while I have had the feeling that I am coming across as nosy and that perhaps rather than shooing my genuine interest in their lives I may make them uncomfortable.

How do I stop myself?

For example on the weekend, I bumped into a another dc's mum whom I don't know well. She told me that she had worked in 'x' building before so I asked where she working now. She told me but I got the sense that she felt obliged to say something she didn't feel comfortable with.

How do I avoid closed questions?

That you've even thought about it is great OP; loads of people don't!

Completely agree with the above advice; just tone down the specificity of the questions a bit. So instead of "where do you work now?" for example you could ask how they found it or make chitchat about the shops or other stuff around wherever it was - more open ended questions will lead to natural conversation rather than a Q and A.

Say hi and move on.
It's not their fault you hate silence. Let them choose whether to speak. Or ask a vague question. "Oh have you moved then?"
I would hate someone asking my dinner plans or if I did overtime. I would find it rude and intrusive.

"I recently asked my dd's music teacher who had previously told me about a job they were applying for how the interview went and if they got the job. I asked this quietly but in front of other school mums if that makes any difference."

Oh no!!! So she confided in you about looking for another job and you've basically announced it?!

You are definitely coming across as nosey, I'd run a mile. What are these situations where you have to chat? Can't you say something like "did anyone see xyz film on TV" or something?

oh sorry, just saw you talk to fill silence.

are these situations where you could just be on your phone playing a game or are they situations where you are supposed to talk? I'm a bit unclear. I agree with a poster who says you shouldn't inflict these questions on people just because you hate silence.

I agree with you I want to stop interrogating people, I'm not really gaining any friends this way and feel a bit socially anxious.

What do "normal" people talk whilst waiting to pick the kids up, or in passing whilst waiting for the school gate to open?

I don't want to appear rude or arrogant so instead I am making a fool of myself and seemingly corner other people.

so this is a school gate issue?

are you standing in a group that's generally chatting? It's okay to be quiet and just contribute occasionally. With the questions, it sounds to me as if you are starting conversations - I'm wondering if other parents actually want the conversation or are they happy to stand around quietly? If they are, then I wouldn't bother them.

In many ways I don't think the school gate is a way to gain friends but I also don't think you will be seen as rude if you don't start chat. I think a friendly demeanour, a smile and "hi, how are you?" is fine.

Does no one throw a question back to you?
If someone asked me about work holidays etc, I’d ask it back during natural
Conversation.

I think the music teacher issue is totally separate. You broke her confidence - my guess is she would tell parents as late as possible she was leaving as I should
Imagine some parents may be quite demanding. In that case you could say “did everything go ok?”

I can talk a lot. It is important to listen and respond appropriately. So it doesn’t feel you are just working from a list of “stuff to ask when talking to acquaintances” I would love it if someone wanted to listen to me!

The building job issue could have been better managed too.
“I used to work in xxx building”
“Did you work there long?”
Respond to the answer or say something that isn’t Intrusive but may lead the conversation
Eg: I’d love to work so close to home. I have/had a really long commute.”
Then that could lead to you saying something like you read on train or they may offer info about their current job.

I don’t think it is improper to ask questions but perhaps use non-confrontational, open ended, sideways type ones do the person isn’t overwhelmed. Remember that your natural curiosity/social behaviour may be pushing buttons. Maybe the friend thought her current job sounded like a demotion or she had to leave under less than easy circumstances so wouldn’t actually volunteer info about her new job given the chance.

Ask questions but remember to listen and respond.
Are you going on holiday?
My real answer would be I can’t afford it and DS’s SN make it too hard. I wouldn’t want to say that though. A less forthright question could be
“Have you got anything planned for the summer?”
I could then tell you about visiting family or days out etc.

I asked dh's female colleague lots of questions during a social event the other day. I know her a bit through dh and also through her husband who grew up in the same town as me. I asked her how she was getting on in her new job and I may have asked if commuting nearly 4 hours a day was stressful. I felt that I was being intrusive however my intention was to be sympathetic and supportive.

WTF is wrong with me, why am I asking intrusive questions. How do I stop myself? I feel mortified thinking about it.

I honestly just realised that rather than coming across like a reliable empathetic person (that I believe I am) I am presenting myself like some sort of urban curtain twitcher, very possibly with some bitchy undertone. Somebody save me from myself.

How can my intention be SO divorced from my communication 'style'?

Sorry x-post with Nyx1 and PugonToast some good practical advice there . I'll need to really think about those and see how I can realistically start changing my apparently alienating and possibly slightly rude ways.

Silence is ok. It really is.

Try it next time - have your phone in your hand with something you can pretend to look at. Ask your open ended question ‘going anywhere nice this summer?’ Then let them answer. When they stop, an ‘oh that sounds lovely.’ Then if they carry on it’s little ‘mmm’ and oh, nice type remarks.

If they stop, that’s your cue to stop too. And pick up your distraction item (phone etc)

There is nothing wrong with you by the way. Lots of us struggle with this. You’re probably just more honest than many.

OP "How do I stop myself? "

may seem an odd comparison but I'm trying to conquer overeating and I am literally having to repeat to myself - in my head - "I am not hungry".

Perhaps you need to approach social functions with "I am going to think carefully before speaking".

You say you asked DH colleague a lot of questions. I think asking "how are you coping with the commute" is okay tbh, but I noticed you asked a lot of questions. Are you nervous of normal conversation flow? If so, why is that?

if it's any help, recently I was standing round in a group of 3 and 2 people started talking about religion - in a general way. It came to that point where I was expected to say something so I was honest and said "I'm sorry, I don't know anything about this but it's interesting to hear this". One of them did start with the "really? you don't know ANYTHING about it?" but I just smiled and I said "I really don't, but I'm learning now" so they carried on.

It can be embarrassing to say "I have no knowledge of this topic" but I think it's better than bombarding people with questions.

Could I ask why asking lots of closed questions as I tend to do may get people's back up? I am not sure if I would feel annoyed if someone I know a little or even quite well would engage me in this way in passing. Is it because it's in passing e.g. on the way to the train station or in public e.g. at the school gate, pub etc. ?

Does anyone not mind being asked lots of questions or does anyone else shares my annoying behaviour?

I'd feel like I was on trial at the stand, to be honest.

I don't like talking about myself at the best of times!

I don't know if you watch Strictly or anything like that, OP, but it can be a useful gateway into harmless chitchat. I watched Big Brother back in 2003 to give me something to chat about to my colleagues in a summer job I was finding really hard and it worked as the conversation isn't about 'you' per se.

It’s because it interrupts the flow of the conversation, and is too interrogation like. So you ask one question and instead of considering the response and allowing the conversation to flow you ask another, so it looks like you’re information gathering.

So back to our holiday question: good convo flow would be

Going anywhere nice this summer?
Yes we’ve got two weeks in Crete booked
Oh that sounds lovely ...
Yes it is we always go there the kids love it
I’ve always fancied Crete, when is a good time to go?
Oh September it’s cooler.,,

Bad would be:
Are you going on holiday?
Yes
Where?
Crete
Have you been before?
Yes

Etc. See how the first one allows the person to talk as little or as much as they want, isn’t too personal and how it’s more flowing? The second one leads to yes/no answers so they never really get a chance to talk. And it’s too personal - in the first one they are talking about the holiday. In the second they’re being probed somewhat

Most people will talk your hind leg off given half a chance - you don’t need to say much, just master the small lubricant phrases and let them go on.

It depends who you ask. I have an acquaintance who I only need to say "did you have a good weekend?" and an hour later she'll stop talking. I don' need to talk - its great.

You need to ask why you hate silence. My mum used to witter on and it drove me mad.

If you want to make friends at the school gate you might need to tone it down a bit.

Some good advice above re mentally saying “I’m not going to ask a question” or practice smile and nod.

It does sound a bit intense.

how their dc's music grading went, how often their dc practices their instrument etc. I sometimes ask how thing are at work

First two makes you sound like one of “those” mums
Work - none if your business. You don’t work there.

My MIL is like this, she constantly asks questions, it really does feel like ‘20 questions’ and yes, like an interrogation. She did this the first time I met her, after arriving late for a weekend visit following a full working day and a long drive which included me getting lost. I needed to get my breath back!!

She also doesn’t like silences and feels the need to fill them. It really isn’t necessary to do that. Ask an open-ended question maybe and it will soon be clear whether the person you’re talking to wants to chat. Just don’t try too hard.