AIBU to ask people questions to show I am interested

[Schoolfortrees]

I often don't know what to say in terms of social chit chat so rather than talking about myself I ask people lots of questions. I do this especially with people I may not know that well e.g. on the school run or when bumping into someone I know on the way to work.

I do this because I want to show that I am interested in their lives.

Questions I ask may include what they are having for tea that night, where they are going on holiday and what they are planning to do there, how their dc's music grading went, how often their dc practices their instrument etc. I sometimes ask how thing are at work and if they find the commute hard or have time for lunch breaks do overtime etc. I recently asked my dd's music teacher who had previously told me about a job they were applying for how the interview went and if they got the job. I asked this quietly but in front of other school mums if that makes any difference. I had the feeling that the music teacher looked a bit embarrassed.

I tend to ask lots of follow up questions to show my interest and because I feel uncomfortable talking about myself.

AIBU and at risk of coming across as a nosy parker?

If I am on nosy parker territory here, how else can i conduct my small talk?

I tend to ask lots of follow up questions to show my interest and because I feel uncomfortable talking about myself.

Also to use the classic line from Friends - you’re not the Riddler!

Why do you feel uncomfortable talking about yourself? It might come across as you’re very nosey but secretive which people don’t like.

I do the same especially with people I’ve never met. How do u otherwise get to know them. I think what are u having for tea isn’t intrusive is it surely?

OP "Could I ask why asking lots of closed questions as I tend to do may get people's back up?"

it feels like an interrogation and it feels like they are trying to get to know tons of things about you, without invitation. It is different if you have actually made a date to meet someone for coffee or whatever and have created that pathway that is signposted "let's be friends" but even then, you have to be careful with questions, because it's not an interrogation.

btw if it makes you feel better I love your phrase "urban curtain twitcher", it made me lol!

Oh God... my friend's husband is like this. It's annoying because it's totally unbalanced - why am I the one providing all the information? If I ask him a question he gives a short answer then straight back to interviewing me. It bears little resemblance to an actual conversation and as others have said is more of an interrogation.

But being absolutely honest, it's not that I feel like he's nosey, it's that I find it deathly dull. I feel like he's forcing me to bore myself.

"Hi John! Recovering from last night? I heard it was a good one!"
"Hi Bunch, how was your journey?"
"Fine thanks"
"Did you get the train?"
"Yes."
"Was it crowded?"
"Not really, it was, I don't know, normal."
"What time did you get on?"
"I don't know, after eleven? Eleven fifteen?"
"Was it on time?"
"Yes...er I think we arrived 3 minutes late or something..."
"Did you eat?"
"Yes, I had a Crunchie."
"Did you have breakfast before you left?"
"Yes...if you'll excuse me, I need to powder my nose before I shoot myself in the face."

I mean how could he actually be interested in this information? If you must pepper people with questions, at least make them interesting.

Also OP, to be frank a lot of people aren't comfortable talking about themselves, especially about the minutiae of their lives - what makes you think that the people you question are more comfortable with this than you are?

Don't be afraid of silence - remember it is the other person's/people's responsibility just as much as it is yours.

Oh God love you op!! I get you. You sound like you are slightly unsure/off kilter in social situations and are trying to overcompensate with these questions. I'm like this too and tend to fluctuate between stony (this is how it appears) silence and bursts of nervous chat and questioning. No answers, it's hard though. You sound like you're genuinely thoughtful and worth getting to know and the right people will

You are possibly asking too many questions, and some people don't like this (some people do though). Depends on the context too I guess - if someone is in a hurry or a weird mood they will feel less inclined to engage with you.

I think this exchange:
For example on the weekend, I bumped into a another dc's mum whom I don't know well. She told me that she had worked in 'x' building before so I asked where she working now. She told me but I got the sense that she felt obliged to say something she didn't feel comfortable with
sounds fine, and not a weird thing to ask at all.

I can be very shy and awkward sometimes, and if you were asking me lots of questions I would feel a bit put on the spot but I would also feel very flattered that you were interested and appreciative and relieved that you were keeping the conversation flowing. Then I would go home and analyse everything I said to you and wonder if you thought I was weird.
So maybe dial back the questions a little, but still keep up the friendliness - try to ask more open questions as others on here have suggested.

Well say, with your dh's female colleague, you don't know her very well at all, so asking her specific details about her new job might have appeared intrusive. Rather than asking whether she is finding a long commute stressful (which might imply that you think she's acting stressed out, or even that she will be too tired and stressed to do the job properly) you could say you hope she is enjoying the new job and that the long commute home isn't too draining. It isn't then a direct question.

Specific questions are sometimes difficult to answer - if she is stressed out she is probably not going to want to admit it!

If you ask someone whether they shop at , they can answer without a problem. If they say no and you then ask why not, they might think you are insinuating that they can't afford it. Do you see where I'm coming from?

Be like me and give up..😀 my husband suggested I don’t make friends as I don’t ask people about themselves. ( I guess I was brought up not to ask personal questions as it’s rude)

So waiting to go to speak to the teacher at a parents evening, I asked a parent of a new child in the class, If they lived locally in the village. No I was told, and that was all. Ah I said, and mentioned the village that I lived in. And wondered why I even bothered to try and make small talk.

When I got home to the husband, I laughed about the one time I do ask someone something, and they can’t be bothered to answer anyway ! ( they live in a nearby village, she says hello, and so do I ) 😀

If someone asked me what I was having for tea I'd ask them why they needed to know.

Lots of small talk type conversation is about finding little things in common. It would be more natural to ask about their holiday plans and follow with "I'd love to go there," "we went to similar place a few years back, it was great," or something. You can then ask something else but to not reflect on what they say makes it a little unbalanced. Give and take, throw a little about yourself in there - go on! People like finding little things in common, but it sounds like you're not letting them.

Similarly the office comment, you can ask about the place she worked but it's unusual to do it in such an impersonal way. If you said "oh I sometimes go to the theatre/gallery/ a friend's house near here, where do you suggest is nice for lunch," it is more like you care, does that make sense?

I wouldn't look at your phone unless everyone else does. Nobody does at my playground pick up, but some people are comfortable just waiting quietly.

I know what you mean, Medeci. It’s another thing that my MIL likes to ask. It makes me feel like she’s checking that I’m feeding the family properly.

Quite frankly I'd much rather have silence than a barrage of questions like you describe.

Could do what modern folk & bury your nose in phone rather than continue conversation.

I'm not sure you are a nosy parker. Allow the silences to stretch out more & the other person will probably fill them. Most people like to talk about themselves or their experiences. Just encourage them with small sentences and inoffensive questions.

Hi OP. Stop stressing about this. You sound like a lovely person. As others have suggested, you just need to chill about it, take your time and ask fewer, more open questions until you really get to know someone. It's a sad truth that the majority of people you meet, especially at the school gates, are probably just not looking for any more friends in their life and aren't interested in talking much to 'strangers. ' I think it's great you are bothering to ask questions. I know / work with many completely self absorbed people who spend the whole time talking about themselves and never ask anyone else anything. That is a million times worse than your slight over-inquisitiveness... BTW we are having chicken and salads and crusty bread - I love talking food... lol

Going anywhere nice this summer?’ Is a good one.

No, it really isn't. If everyone's talking about their holiday plans & you can't afford to go anywhere, it's a crap one.

Well yes, fair point, but the same could be said for a lot of things, and somewhere nice can be your local seaside, a week camping in the peaks, or a weekend in the highlands in a hostel. It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy or abroad or expensive.

The last few years I’d have just replied ‘nah staying home mainly, might get a few days at the lake as day trips but really just staying home and working on the garden.’

True. Maybe I'm being a bit too sensitive on that.

Whether you mean to or not, you’re being quite selfish asking lots of questions and then not sharing anything about yourself. It would be normal to ask what someone’s having for dinner and after they’ve responded, say something relevant about yourself - ‘That sounds nice. I was planning on shepherd’s pie but I ran over a rabbit on the way to work so now it’s rabbit stew. I find it quite tiring driving into work and collecting my roadkill adds to the journey length quite significantly. What about you - is your commute tiring?’ And so on...

You're working on the assumption that everyone likes to talk about themselves, and you're doing them a favour by giving them the opportunity to do that.

And forgetting that just as you don't like to talk about yourself, neither do lots of other people!

Putting people who don't like to talk about themselves in the position of being forced to answer a load of questions is actually quite the opposite of 'empathetic', even though I realise you don't mean it to be.

You're empathising with an imaginary person, not a real person.

Some people won't mind the questions, but many (probably most) will. So it's a matter of picking up on their response to you (being empathetic to the actual person), and going from there.

I am loving all the post on this thread, very honest, funny and kind to boot, with some greta practical examples. It really made my day.

I feel I need to really think about these examples, and about open and closed questions as well as the right amount of questions considering the flow of the conversation. Why this doesn't seem to come naturally I have no idea and makes me feel like i am not quite "normal' or something.

I really want people to feel at ease yet I catch myself often not feeling very much at ease in my environment if that makes any sense at all. The town we live in now is not where I grew up and on the whole is quite nice and friendly but also a bit fancy and I often feel i have to make an effort to fit it in.

I must admit that I am a bit anxious and annoyed at myself that I am not conducting small talk more 'charmingly'. Some people just seem to have a knack for this sort of thing.

Are most people really feeling comfortable in their own skin most of the time? Happy with their social skills? I think I am a bit envious of that.

I am laughing my head off at Punk's example. A long bonkers ramble about roadkill would be the sort of thing I'd do!!

I'm happy with my social skills but I don't like people

seriously, I do the kind of work where social skills are needed so I admit it's much easier for me.

so you're in a position where you're in a new town and want to meet people? I had that and found a bunch of community stuff on Twitter. Much easier to make friends there than school gate I reckon.

School, my dad is absolutely brilliant at this sort of thing, he always says that the key is he's genuinely interested in the things that people have a passion for. So he'd for example find out that Jo adores visiting Rhodes every year and would then ask open ended questions that allow Jo to talk about her favourite subject at length. It's a definite skill I think.

"I am laughing my head off at Punk's example."
Yes me too and reading back my post I realise I really need to say really less often.

I'm in a new town but I have been her for 5 years so not that new anymore but somehow not quite at ease socially. I do find it hard to break a habit especially this one but hope I can manage this. I really think I ask questions compulsively to either cover up or compensate for my social unease.