(Tiny) alarm bells ringing over husband and work colleague

[ShakyMilk]

This might sound like nothing, but I just have a bad feeling about my husband new work colleague. A few tiny things have made me feel like this:
He has started wearing nicer clothes for work
He refers to her by her name (in the past he would always say “the says...”)
The other day he said he had to make a work call in the car while we were on the way out as a family. No issues with that. He called her, all fine,nothing that made we worry, but then we carried on driving and after a few minutes he said, more to himself, “I told her not to...” as if he’d just been thinking about her since the call.
Then this week he couldn’t get hold of her (she was out in the community) and seemed really worried, to the point where he rang her a few times then rang his boss. I have never known him show this level of concern for previous employees.
He interviewed and hired her, if that makes any difference.
I realise none of this sounds much, but somewhere inside me, a little alarm bell is ringing. For context, I am not at all a jealous person and neither is he.
We are a happy couple who rarely argue but things have become a bit dull, I suspect. We have two small children and very rarely have a night out together due to lack of babysitter (last one was months ago). We go out separately occasionally.
I am not massively happy with myself at the moment, feel a bit fat and bored, and as if everything is child/house/work related, so it might be me projecting.
I suppose I’m worried because he has a work night out coming up. Should I mention it or does it seem like i’m being paranoid?

Great post tiptopteepe thank you for that.

I feel a bit like I have had counselling after reading this thread!! Thanks all.

MsHarry oooof. That is harsh

shaky do any of your DCs use any nurseries or ASCs? I found a lot of lovely babysitters that my DC already knew using that route. It's expensive but getting out the house together of an evening from time to time is really important - we didn't prioritize it and by the time we had our second DC things got very strained - now we do make sure we go out.

(MsHarry For your sister, not the comment!)

Yes it really was a BIG shock. Afterwards she pieced all these things together. I don't think he set out to be unfaithful, he just got close to her at work and I think he was flattered that she like him, respected him or whatever. Marriage was 18 yrs in, had become a bit dull I presume. I really hope it's not the case for you but I really think that bursting any secretive.private thought bubble now will help stop any subconscious fantasy from developing.

i totally agree msh - my lovely dh let things get a bit too supportive at work with a colleague and was rewarded with her trying it on with him - as I said, I'd talk to him about it openly now as he may not have realized how he's acting.

He'll probably tell you there's nothing to worry about but it might make him keep slightly better boundaries!

how can you make yourselves happy.if you finding things a bit urgh right now and think he is then it doesn't mean he will or is straying.but its still just as important to put a change in now.to make yourselves happy again.to re-connect.
that might even start with you.if you feel good bout yorusefla dnt higns again it will quickly rub off.
get your jip fight and happiness upped again.
is there anything you like doing or could do together or on your own to make you smile more content.if there is do it.its worth it.
if things are going wrong or do then at least being happier inwill help with either outcome.
try not to worry. this will bring paranoya and so much tense undertones that might not have been there in the first place.this in itself can cause wholes in the relationship.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about some of the "you need to reconnect" type posts, in that they sort of suggest that it's the OP's fault and she needs to change her behaviour to stop her DH having an affair.

I do agree that staying connected as a couple is hard, yet vital.

But the DH has a part to play here too. The principal part in fact

You need to stay vigilant for sure. Mentionitis is one of the first stages. She may not be interested in him, but he may well be in her!

This is how my husbands affair started and he now lives with her so it can snowball really quickly.

He looks out for her. Possibly because he hired her and wants her to do well or he’ll look bad

Yep, all points to taking his responsibility seriously OP.

I think he has a crush on her

Genuinely have zero idea how anyone can conclude this from what you say OP.

Why OP do you seem to think you are in some way a factor in your DH's behaviour? He could just be a control freak who, because he's hired this woman, now thinks she is not up to the job and so has to keep 'tracking' her movements. And telling her what to do. Or other colleagues could have commented on the fact that she appears to be taking the piss at work.
The wearing nicer clothes to work could be completing unrelated and a co-incidence.

i don't know why you wouldn't just ask about it directly rather than anything else - better a minor row now than a bigger row down the line when the situation (if there is anything there) is so recoverable.

the other thing I wondered was whether your DH's job has gotten more senior recently (if he's just started hiring people or being the boss etc) and that could also explain the dressing. Or perhaps he wants a promotion and that's another reason for the spruce-up.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about some of the "you need to reconnect" type posts, in that they sort of suggest that it's the OP's fault and she needs to change her behaviour to stop her DH having an affair.

I agree @BOOP but I think it can’t hurt the OP to indulge in a positive thing, namely looking after herself and her emotional well being by trying to branch out and break the ennui she’s feeling as evidenced in her OP. This is not to say the onus is all on her to “fix” things, hell no. But the proof of the pudding may well be in how “together” they are in the plans for more time together away from the DCs.

This post is hitting a small nerve with me, because I feel exactly like the OP at the moment re feeling a bit “meh” re children, figure, life etc.

Hmm, I've been there too ShakyMilk, twice (yes, shame on me). Here's how it happened, which sounds similar to your experience.

A particular name from work keeps cropping up, and OH becomes very defensive/protective of her - with slight variations, in my case:
OH1 - FFS, it's a high-stress environment and she's the only person I've really clicked with, of course there's nothing going on, aren't I allowed to have friends who are women, what's the big deal if she calls me at night, why are you being so needy. (He divorced me and has lived with her ever since.)
[Fast forward several years]
OH2 - FFS, it's a high-stress environment, she's one of the few colleagues I can trust to do a good job, yes she's attractive, what do you want me to say, and what's the big deal if I lend her my scarf, or there's pictures of me spoonfeeding her at the office Xmas do. (He divorced me and remarried sharpish, but not to her as she was in a relationship.)

I finally have a partner who puts me first. After many years together, that's still a wonderful, and qualitatively different feeling than I had with the previous two.

Sorry, didn't meant to hijack your post Shaky with my own story, but just to offer my hard-won wisdom, which amounts to: if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...etc.

My other experience, sadly, is that once you're on that juggernaut it's pretty hard to turn around. Date nights, weekends away and marriage counselling didn't cut it for us. They just diminished the divorce pot. But maybe these things can work, in different circs - I have turned into a bit of an Eeyore when it comes to relationships!

Genuinely have zero idea how anyone can conclude this from what you say OP.

I have female employees that I mention all the time! I genuinely speak to them more at work than my other team members, they're the ones I trust to get fastballs done & so they end up with all the most important tasks & roles.

If I'm asked how my day at work was their names are all over it like a rash! Bill & Ben might get the odd mention, but nothing like as much as my ninjas.

Um so he interviewed her, rang work in front if you to discuss something with her, then a short time later muttered " I told her not to do that"
He's thinking about work!! Doesn't want the new person to mess up.
Don't invite her round you'll look daft. Your husband will have worked with women before yes?

Be aware, red flag

I agree that 'mentionitis' is a concern.

Ask him if there is something bothering him about her conduct at work and it's reflection on him since he seems preoccupied with her.

My dh had mentionitus too.

I move into my new house with the kids in a few weeks.

Invite her round for dinner

How many people actually just invite colleagues over?
I've never done it. We go out for a meal.

I recall going to one colleagues house. She invited 4 of us over...all female and she was single...but we'd worked together for a couple of years and more.
I'd think it odd if a male colleague ...married or otherwise invited me for dinner.

2 years ago my friend was in this position. She said she just had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. She said the only thing that had changed was a new lady had started at her DH’s work. That was the September, by October he moved out of the family home and by November he was living with the new woman! It’s crazy how fast things can move. It basically boiled down to him being fed up of family life and said she had prioritised their DC’s over him. Nip it in the bud if you can. Even now, 2 years on, she’s still shell shocked by it.

If you really think something is up, or even that your relationship has become stale, then you really need to speak with your DH about it all.

Don't skirt about him, go sneaking around or watching him like a hawk- you'll drive yourself demented! By the very nature of being suspicious and "keeping an eye out" you'll see everything through that prism and will just end up stressed out by the whole thing (and quite possibly with no more evidence you've got now, but feeling a whole lot worse).

I feel slightly uncomfortable about some of the "you need to reconnect" type posts, in that they sort of suggest that it's the OP's fault and she needs to change her behaviour to stop her DH having an affair.

I know what you mean and being unfaithful would be totally on him. All I'm saying is that sometimes there are factors that lead up to it.