(Tiny) alarm bells ringing over husband and work colleague

[ShakyMilk]

This might sound like nothing, but I just have a bad feeling about my husband new work colleague. A few tiny things have made me feel like this:
He has started wearing nicer clothes for work
He refers to her by her name (in the past he would always say “the says...”)
The other day he said he had to make a work call in the car while we were on the way out as a family. No issues with that. He called her, all fine,nothing that made we worry, but then we carried on driving and after a few minutes he said, more to himself, “I told her not to...” as if he’d just been thinking about her since the call.
Then this week he couldn’t get hold of her (she was out in the community) and seemed really worried, to the point where he rang her a few times then rang his boss. I have never known him show this level of concern for previous employees.
He interviewed and hired her, if that makes any difference.
I realise none of this sounds much, but somewhere inside me, a little alarm bell is ringing. For context, I am not at all a jealous person and neither is he.
We are a happy couple who rarely argue but things have become a bit dull, I suspect. We have two small children and very rarely have a night out together due to lack of babysitter (last one was months ago). We go out separately occasionally.
I am not massively happy with myself at the moment, feel a bit fat and bored, and as if everything is child/house/work related, so it might be me projecting.
I suppose I’m worried because he has a work night out coming up. Should I mention it or does it seem like i’m being paranoid?

That's a good point. DH keeps going on about Jeff - but Jeff is over from for a short while and when he is they go out to the Brazilian "eat your body weight in beef on massive skewers place" so he may just be hungry.

Try again with proper punctuation.

That's a good point. DH keeps going on about Jeff - but Jeff is over from for a short while and when he is they go out to the Brazilian "eat your body weight in beef on massive skewers" place so he may just be hungry.

I know someone who had his mistress under a male name under his contacts.
Joe was actually Joanne.

So calling 'her' a male name doesn't necessarily mean it's a male friend.

Could it be that she isn't performing well in the job, and he feels responsible or that it reflects on him?

It sounds to me like he has a crush on her, not that there is anything going on between them.

You need to get his attention back on you and your marriage.

How do you know that she is in a relationship with someone who was already attached? Did DH tell you? Does he normally tell you stuff like that about people? It seems a bit odd to know that level of information about a new member of the team, especially when he is the manager.

I can't imagine starting a new job and telling the manager that hired me "oh yes, I am living with Rob, he was married when I met him, Lol"

I would advise a listening watch on this one. Whether it is a feeling of responsibility because he employed her or if is flattered by her , you should broach the subject. I would go for the "How is (her name) settling in now? I hope she is feeling more confident in her role. How has she fitted into the team/office/organisation?" In my opinion , if it is responsibility he is feeling , he will open up and talk freely . If it is something else (hope not), then he will shut down the conversation .
BUT the bottom line is ,you should both talk .
God luck

Joke with him about the change of clothes worn for work.
Ask if he's got someone on the side.

My dh changed a lot over the past year, lost lots of weight (health related) and of course a whole new wardrobe that makes him look 10 years younger.

I said the same to him, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Mine laughed it off with a "Chance would be a fine thing" which was good enough for me, the way he said it.

Instinct exsists for reasons of protection; in this case the OPs instinct is telling her something is amiss so she can protect herself just in case.

It’s a primal thing that we are so often encouraged to ignore and dismiss as paranoia. I’m now old enough to believe in my instincts as usually in life, if something feels “off” it usually is.

HOWEVER, @rafthoggerrose nails it. Sounds like a crush and that it may be a good platform to launch some plans for husband & wife time instead of always being Mum & Dad.

Stay alert, but don’t dwell x

The dressing better would cause me concern.. Hope it's nothing tho :)
Sometimes a mild flirtation can b a confidence booster, but dsnt mean he would actually Go There

He's being quite open now. If he suddenly clams up or becomes secretive then you really need to worry.

I agree with whinesalot

The mentionitist means he has nothing to hide. He obviously has a crush on her, but nothing's happened. Yet.
It would be more worrying If he suddenly stops mentioning herr. It means something is happening that shouldn't be and he has something to hide.

Mentionitis is a red flag. At the moment he has a crush and is doing things like calling her in front of you to keep it 'safe'. In his head it's okay because you know about it, but it's a slippery slope to 'affair in plain sight'.

When you really need to worry is when he stops mentioning her. Then that means something's happened between them.

Sorry if this sounds really cynical and jaded but I have seen it on here and in real life hundreds of times and it's always predictably the bloody same.

Trust your intuition. If I were you I'd keep an eye out. Sounds like right now you can still nip it in the bud.

Another giveaway is if you get to the office party and you notice he doesn't talk to her all evening.
That's a big red flag.
It means they're making a conscious effort to avoid each other in public, in order to avoid arousing suspicion.
But the very act of their avoidance draws attention to the fact that there is something going on.

Cheats aren't always as clever as they think they are.
They give off clues without realizing it.

Ha! X-post with rag and whines.

It's classic.

Thanks all for the good advice.
I will try to arrange a night out if poss (difficult as no babysitter) or at the very least have a nice meal/takeaway at home and try to get us back on track.
I agree with ppl that it is probably a crush.
I have a few weeks before the Christmas night out so I need to start making more of an effort, for myself as much as for him.

rafhoggerrose no partners at the Christmas party, so I won’t be there! (My work does this too, so it’s not a cause for concern)

The kinds of things you mention could be innocent, or unrelated, but put altogether they represent a change which coincides with this colleague's arrival on the scene so I can see why you are concerned. The nicer clothes in particular can't really be explained easily.

The point is that there could be several different explanations, and you won't know unless you discuss them with our h.

I would suggest actually having conversation with your dh about what you are observing / thinking. A strong relationship should be able to accommodate such a discussion which is borne out of your love for him and your commitment to your marriage. Don't see any point in being oblique about I - he's your life partner and equal, not a child to be managed or a boss to be stepped around. And if he is perhaps unusually invested in this colleague and at the start of a slippery slope it might prompt him to examine his boundaries.

I wouldn't personally watch and wait - it's disempowering to you. If there is nothing to worry about then you will have the stress relieved by a discussion. If dh responds weirdly to being asked - then you have more information. And in any case, if the situation was reversed, wouldn't you rather your dh discussed it with you rather than setting up watch or competing by singlehandedly reinvigorating the marriage.

I should say I'm not neutral as my h had the work affair and in hindsight displayed some of the behaviours you mention preceding and at the start of the affair. I wish I'd been more observant and prompted him to wake up from that path before he did the damage. But of course those behaviours could be for many reasons.

your h I mean - not ours! That would indeed be weird...

My advice would be to get a babysitter and either get some time to yourself to boost your self esteem or spend some romantic time with your husband.
Maybe he is attracted to her and you are picking up on it but it will make it much worse if added to that things are tense between you because youve got jealous and defensive.
It doesnt sound like hes done anything wrong at all. It doesnt sound like even if you are picking up on his attraction to her, that he has even realised himself.
I think the things you need to do are with yourself because thats all you can do. Dont ruin your own marriage by getting hostile over nothing.
Im not a jealous person either. Ive been jealous over another woman with my husband once and I knew at the time it had nothing to do with him. She was just a friend of a friend he was chatting to at a party we were at (nothing flirty just polite convo) and she was very well educated in a good job. I knew I was jealous of her because she represented some things that i felt i wasnt.
I just had to go and have a long word with myself about it. It was a long time ago now. I just told myself if someone wants to leave you they will, and no amount of jealousy and questioning will prevent that, and to be honest you are better off without someone who doesnt want to be with you. However if you trust your partner loves you then you dont need to do all that nonesense because its just going to make you both miserable. If theres nothing there more than you picking up on tiny clues that they care about someone then just leave it and focus on why its making you feel insecure.
In this case its obviously because you dont feel you are spending enough time together as a couple and you are worried you have just become a mother to his kids instead of a romantic partner. So id work on addressing your feelings about that and I think the jealousy will just go away.

@shakymilk

Try exploring local FB groups for Babysitters, alternatively there are apps like Childcare.co.uk and Sitters.co.uk

Plus MN local (and netmums local; controversial but we found our local babysitting service there, love you @MNHQ mwah mwah kisses)

I’d be a little worried at the change of behaviour but maybe he just wants to up his game and set a good example as her mentor - I find having a student makes me a bit more conscientious so maybe it’s that?

DH started a new job a while ago with a female boss who was under investigation for sleeping with two members of her team including a married man. Honestly I didn’t like it but he started the job just three weeks after I’d given birth and I had PND for a long time afterwards. If you think it’s you projecting how you feel about yourself can you focus on trying to make that part better?

*The mentionitis means he has nothing to hide
*
I completely disagree with this. In my experience ( and reading hundreds of threads on MN in relationships regarding emotional affairs) it's a big red flag. I also agree that it would look suspicious if he completely ignored her at an office party.

I don't blame you for feeling suspicious..especially with him smartening himself up all of a sudden. As a lot of PP have said, don't do anything except play the watchful and waiting game.. Do not confront him or have a sit down chat saying you are suspicious! IF there is something developing between them..or him..you are essentially alerting him early on to your suspicions when you don't have anything concrete to go on. If there genuinely isn't anything going on, you are going to feel and look a bit of a dick.

I do agree with your comment about making more of an effort. His reaction to this will also be a good indication to whether there's an affair brewing.

Trust your instincts OP. I would have a chat with him quite openly about how you feel. Better to get in there before any possible sparks turn into flames.

This happened to my sister. It was all true and she had explained it away as he was the last person you would suspect. Anyway, they are now divorced and he has a child with the other woman.My sister often wonders if there was anything she could have done earlier that might have changed things.

Oh and one of the things was he wanted to buy nicer work stuff. She actually helped him pick it out!!!