To think children shouldn't know this

[EmilyChambers79]

I have a friend who frequently comments on her friends Facebook pics and comments. This friend isn't my friend, I don't know her but can see her posts when mutual friend likes it etc.

She has a 5 nearly 6 year old daughter. She posts every day how she is a single Pringle, that she's ugly, that she's lost weight, that she's back to her old self etc etc.

Over the past year, she has posted pictures drawn by her daughter and says things like "Mary drew me this angel as it's bringing me happiness as she's worried I'm sad" and recently a "Father Christmas with a full sack of diet food and money to make me happy as she knows she's not enough for me, how sweet!"

Her little girl apparently comes out with lines like she can never leave her Mommy as this will make her cry, can never be thinner than Mommy because that's not fair, can't be prettier than Mommy etc etc. When I asked my friend, she says daughter actually talks like this in real life.

Aibu to think your child shouldn't know how unhappy you are and that they will never be enough to make you happy? My friend thinks I am and thinks I'm being judgemental and as a single parent, this girl should be applauded for the honest relationship she has with her daughter.

My friend's daughter is also aware of any money troubles in their relationship etc whereas I don't think any money troubles etc need discussing in front of 9/10 year olds.

Is anyone else's children as "sheltered from reality" as mine apparently is?

Maybe message one of her friends to suggest they have a quiet word with her about her privacy settings. It's not great that people who are not her friends can see her posts

YANBU

That poor child!

Maybe message one of her friends to suggest they have a quiet word with her about her privacy settings. It's not great that people who are not her friends can see her posts

I don't get Facebook, I have 15 friends on there, mainly family or those who live further away and when my friend comments on this girls comments, they show up on my timeline, I thought that was standard?

I suspect that the child is doing/saying no such things.

But why someone woukd make up shit like that is beyond me, and she does sound a little unusual

I talk to my four year old about the realities of money (because ‘can you buy me this?’ gets wearing), but it’s not like I give him my overdraft details

I think it’s ok to show human emotion in front of your children; I’ve cried in front of mine, but they are one off incidences - not a constant drip-feed of insecurity and sadness. If that’s a fraisitic portrayal of their communication and relationship, then I think the mum is in for a hard time when her daughter becomes the independent.

I don't think it's bad for a 9 or 10 year old to understand that there's not much money around. But the stuff about not being thinner, not being able to leave etc is not good

I agree, I always tell DS that you need to save, you can't have everything, that we don't always have the money to do everything.

One of her many posts was she had to take food into school for food bank and when her daughter asked what a food bank was, she said she told her that if she had a day off school sick, Mommy would lose her job and their food would be coming from a food bank.

I don't know. Children are obviously aware of money etc but it just doesn't seem right that pressure is put on them like that.

She posts everyday at least once so I could be accused of drip feeding bit at the same time I can't list everything she does.

Well personally i think it borders on abusive behaviour. For starters she is making her child the carer in this relationship , it is not her job to be responsible for her mothers happiness. How many damaged grown up daughters do we see on here that have been victims of this kind of manipulation by their mothers ?
And as for the message that being thin and having money is all important and that her daughter is not enough for her !! I have no words for how damaging that is going to be long term. She is in competition with her own child in the looks department !
Very concerning all around imho.

In fact now i have read update it is definitely emotionally abusive behaviour ! No question. You are right to be concerned. That poor girl .

It's difficult to judge anyone's life from facebook. Some parents think it's funny to exaggerate their attitude to their DCs and lots of successful 'mummy' bloggers I hate that term but can't think of another one atm
adopt that approach.

Taking your question at face value then I think it's fine for DCs to know about money. I also think it's fine for them to know that adults have a full range of emotions. What isn't acceptable is to make the child feel responsible for any of those things.

And as a PP said, if the woman posting locks down her privacy settings to friends only then you won't be able to see when your mutual friend comments.

YANBU about tha body image stuff. I can see how easily that could be damaging. And YADNBU about the child 'knowing' that she isn't enough for her mother. That's extremely cutting. On the other hand though, I think it's important to show emotion to children and that their parents can be sad too. It's important to talk about it properly though.

I agree with a PP though, id be highly suspicious there's not a lot of truth in what she posts!

I think it’s abusive but I’m not entirely sure what you can do about it. You could call her out on it and tell her she needs to seek help. To tell your daughter she cannot be better than you is not bloody parenting it’s a disgrace.

Gosh, this sounds awful - a young girl being made emotionally responsible for her parent at far too young an age. This happened to my own mother, and it does terrible damage down the years.

I don't know what you can do, though, since you don't know this woman.

There’s a very big difference between children understanding the value of money and being shit scared that they aren’t going to eat if Mummy loses her job! That’s manipulation and very unfair.
Our kids know that money isn’t endless, they also know they can’t have everything they want. However, they don’t worry about bills, food or necessities because they shouldn’t have to!
The body image thing is worrying too, young girls in particular have enough shite thrown at them I’m looking at you Kardashians without hearing it from their own mother!

lots of successful 'mummy' bloggersI hate that term but can't think of another one atm
adopt that approach

No i think thats entirely different. Ive never thought a single "mumny blogger" was emotionally abusive. I think their general message is we all have bad days, kids can be difficult, its ok.

This is emotional abuse. She seems to be almost reliant on the child and if the child knows shes "not enough" thats vile and will end v badly.

It's FB. It is bullshit. Bullshit either made up or carefully filtered to fit a chosen image.

Why on earth would your "chosen image" be emotionally abusive?

HelloSquirrels I think that distinction is there for most of the famous bloggers but I also think some people miss it. They will think that if you swear about your children in posts to other adults then you actually swear at your children in RL too. It feeds into the culture of people posting videos of their children crying after they have deliberately upset them, etc.

I think "troubled soul" is the image she is after. Or perhaps martyr.

As an aside - it's her security settings that are allowing you to see it, not your own settings or your friends, or the fact that you have only a small number on your friends list.

The woman in question has made her posts open to friends-of-friends, or to the public generally, so you can see them when your friend comments on that. (You not having a lot of friends on your list might make this a bit more likely that it will actually come up in your feed, as there might not be loads else to show, but it would always be possible for you to see them - if you clicked on her page, for example, or if it decided to show you that particular post out of the selection that are available for you to see).

She needs to change her settings to 'friends only'. This is the default, and ideally what yours would be set to as well. That way only people on your list can see things, and their friends don't see when they comment on your posts or photos. You can make it more specific if you want and only select certain friends to see things. You have to be a little careful with tagging people, as then the default changes to 'friends of people tagged' as well as your own friends. Even then, you could change that, to keep it all within your own friends.

But it's not particularly normal to have things set to 'friends of friends', or public, and she might not realise that she's doing it, so it could be useful to let her know. Sometimes it happens by accident if someone has shared something and chosen to make it public - like an advert for an event or something - and then forget to change it back for their regular posts. (It tends to remember the privacy setting for the last post you made).

paxcillin shes well off the mark if thats the case.

It feeds into the culture of people posting videos of their children crying after they have deliberately upset them, etc

Is that real? Do people actually do that? What the fuck is wrong with them?

This is abuse. It’s insidious and I expect she is totally unaware of how much she’s damaging her dd. My mother made me responsible for her emotions from the beginning. She’s a narcissist. It’s taken years and years of therapy.

Even as an adult and I moved abroad for a few years, she has said things to me like she never moved away from her mother because she loved her too much. The implication obviously that I was selfish and didn’t love my mother. I moved to be with my dh and I should have put her first. Bad daughter. She always compares me unfavourably. But this is the sort of example you’re talking about.

I’m so glad I didn’t understand what suicide and self harm was in my younger years. If what she is saying is genuinely true, this kid is at risk of hurting herself or having some kind of disorder/serious emotional problems imo.

I agree, HelloSquirrels. Not everybody is very good at picking an image or projecting it ell. It is useful to remember that facebook is almost entirely bullshit. A few people have a tightly controlled group to keep in contact with friends and family across the ocean, to keep in contact when really busy or to keep a large group informed (class pages etc).

Other than this, it is bollocks. I know a few extraordinarily dull people who look the life and soul and some truly shallow ones who try "deep and mysterious" on FB.

@GwenStaceyRocks Bingo. My SIL is like this. She doesn't see the tongue in cheek aspect of some mummy bloggers, and thinks that it's fine to just swear at her children because a stick figure cartoon has a sweary speech bubble.

I'd be concerned about the child the OP talks about, it sounds emotionally abusive. Children aren't there to be sounding board or crutch for their parents.