To think children shouldn't know this

[EmilyChambers79]

I have a friend who frequently comments on her friends Facebook pics and comments. This friend isn't my friend, I don't know her but can see her posts when mutual friend likes it etc.

She has a 5 nearly 6 year old daughter. She posts every day how she is a single Pringle, that she's ugly, that she's lost weight, that she's back to her old self etc etc.

Over the past year, she has posted pictures drawn by her daughter and says things like "Mary drew me this angel as it's bringing me happiness as she's worried I'm sad" and recently a "Father Christmas with a full sack of diet food and money to make me happy as she knows she's not enough for me, how sweet!"

Her little girl apparently comes out with lines like she can never leave her Mommy as this will make her cry, can never be thinner than Mommy because that's not fair, can't be prettier than Mommy etc etc. When I asked my friend, she says daughter actually talks like this in real life.

Aibu to think your child shouldn't know how unhappy you are and that they will never be enough to make you happy? My friend thinks I am and thinks I'm being judgemental and as a single parent, this girl should be applauded for the honest relationship she has with her daughter.

My friend's daughter is also aware of any money troubles in their relationship etc whereas I don't think any money troubles etc need discussing in front of 9/10 year olds.

Is anyone else's children as "sheltered from reality" as mine apparently is?

From what you say, this child is taking in a role that isn’t hers.
It’s not up to her to make her mum happy and she isnt responsible for her mum happiness.
I also have a huge issue with any parent who wouod say to their child that ‘they are not enough’.

I think that mum is emotionally damaging her dd. And it has nothing to do with being a single mum.

paxcillin it baffles me! I only ever post pictures of my ds really and have a nosy

Im well aware much of it ill bullshit and i almost get the "lets make our life seem perfect" posters but the opposite just baffles me!

I don't get Facebook, I have 15 friends on there, mainly family or those who live further away and when my friend comments on this girls comments, they show up on my timeline, I thought that was standard?

You see this woman's posts only when your friend comments on them. The woman should tighten her privacy settings so that only her friends can see posts, even when other people comment on them. Oh dear.

Can you talk to your friend about this woman? If what she posts is true, then her poor dd.

The problem of course is that whatever the mum is posting in FB is actually the reality (as the friend has confirmed that the dd speaks in that way in RL)
So it’s not just about whatever you want to project in FB.

I agree with a PP though, id be highly suspicious there's not a lot of truth in what she posts

Part of me wonders this, the pictures she draws are real enough but whether she says that, who knows. Why would you want that impression coming across though?!

If what your friend has told you is actually true, I've absolutely no doubt it will be flagged up in school.

Can you talk to your friend about this woman? If what she posts is true, then her poor dd

I raised it in passing but she said I was being unsympathetic and that I basically shelter DS from reality and real life too much.

We are definitely not a stiff upper lip family! I've cried in front of DS and he knows everyone has different feelings and thoughts. He saw me cry when my Dad died for example or he's seen me crying at something random on the TV etc.

Obviously it's awful.
Obviously you know that.

Is the point of this post for everyone to tell you how much better a parent you are? Or just to point and judge the other mother?

She's placing her daughter into the responsible role. My mother didn't have the capacity not to , but my wider family did - and they said it was entirely acceptable and right that at 4 years old I should be my mum and my sister's carer .

At 26 I have moved 150 miles away and resist phoning my family - save for my mum - because they still insist my rightful role is being her carer at home and any money I have or earn should go to her.

My mum says no, no , no but is overpowered and dominated by her own parents and brothers.

I've had fucking enough of it , I didn't sleep well until I was 21 , I have needed endless therapy, I feel guilty all the time for doing stuff for me and feel awful for wishing I had grown up with parents who could be like everyone else's iyswim. I firmly believe if someone makes an active choice to pop their child in that role (rather than out of no other option) and lets it happen and celebrates it on Facebook , it is abusive and damaging.

Is the point of this post for everyone to tell you how much better a parent you are? Or just to point and judge the other mother

Or maybe shes concerned about a child whos being emotionally abused?

Actually my parents were like you OP and for me it was very destructive. Children do pick up when something is wrong and if it's all being hidden from them then their imaginations can run riot. I tend to think explaining things to a child in an age appropriate way is often better than hiding things so they just pick up over heard bits and pieces and jump to an even worse conclusion and don't feel like they can discuss their worries.

Or maybe shes concerned about a child whos being emotionally abused?

Maybe. I mean, I hope so. But the OP and her subsequent comments don't seem to suggest that she is willing to do anything about that, and they are much more focussed on her own child and family dynamics, so...

I think the whole point it she doesnt know what to do. Which is entirely understandable.

I think she is just explaining that her family is different.

Mummyoflittledragon nails it - it's making your child feel that they are responsible for your emotions that is wrong. In fact, it's emotional abuse. There's nothing wrong with showing emotion in front of children, to a reasonable degree - but you mustn't burden them with your emotions though. (And I also agree that bringing children up to know that money is limited is a good thing.)

This is awful! Emotional abuse, that poor little girl will be in the stately homes thread, and in for a life time of therapy to cope with the damage her mother is doing.
I think that this warrants a call to social services. Even if she isn't actually doing all she claims on fb, that she thinks this is something to boast about shows she could benefit from some intervention and parenting classes.
Please take it further to protect that little girl.

If this sort of toxic dynamic was happening in a relationship there would be cries of ltb, not the minimising that has been going on up thread.

BTW, this is my first " call ss"...

You are right Elton it’s not good to be over sheltered and coming to your own conclusion especially without a full understanding however to have your child responsible for your emotions or to tell them they are not enough to make you happy is abusive and downright bizarre behaviour.

No parent should put that pressure on a child it’s very different to teach them the value of money, or that everyone has emotions to making them responsible for them.

No sane parent would say to their children I need more than you to be happy, although for most adults that’s a given, we need money and many other things to live a fulfilled life but our children don’t need that spelled out.

Trust me I’m in the camp that all the money and diet food in the world would not replace my children. I’d live in a box if it meant I was with them and I’d tell them that. I’d not be telling them that I need all those other things to be happy.

This rings really close to home as my mother from a young age did these things to me. It takes a long time to find even an ounce of self worth. I struggled for identity without her approval from a young age thanks to her conditioning. Needless to say she is a very sad and lonely lady and I think this woman will find herself in the same boat if she continues to treat her daughter like this.

@bumpertobumper I was going to suggest that too. I hope if she does that SS will take it seriously.

It is OK to show emotions. My DD saw me few times when I had an anxiety attack where I could do nothing about it, it was shrill sounds which did it to me and my response was completely spontaneous, I couldn't control it.
But you should never make your child responsible for you general well-being. You shouldn't make your child feel like your life depends on how they behave or look like. This is emotional blackmail and it's ugly and manipulative. I pity the poor child.

I was an over burdened child.
I am 50 and my life is still pretty much dictated by the way I felt as a child.
There is a massive difference between showing a bit of emotion and explain the value of money to kids and making them feel insecure and frightened.

Its abusive to use a child as an emotional crutch and to make their foundations so shaky.

No child should be made responsible in any way for an adult's mental wellbeing. If these facebook posts reflect reality, then I think the parent involved is engaging in emotional abuse of her child.

It makes me shudder. That poor kid. How fucked-up is she going to be if all that is true?

Is the point of this post for everyone to tell you how much better a parent you are? Or just to point and judge the other mother?

It really didn't cross your mind that the OP was looking for opinions? Really? And damn right I'm judging the other mother, she's a bloody disgrace if this is all true.

missing the point of the thread

Can you have a single Pringle. I thought it was the law to eat them in handfuls?

Can you have a single Pringle. I thought it was the law to eat them in handfuls?

Or by the tube full if you’re me! Bloody things are more addictive than crack!

There's an enormous difference between showing you're human and have emotions to your child, and putting the massive responsibility of them knowing everything that makes you miserable on their shoulders.

5/6yo girls should NOT "know that they are not enough to make mummy happy". They should NOT know that they must never be thinner than mummy and so on.
In all honesty it sounds like "mummy" might have some mental health issues, or she'd probably know that she shouldn't be loading all this onto her child. And if she doesn't have actual MH issues, then she's a very selfish individual and is going to cause her DD significant esteem and possibly MH issues herself, as she will continually strive to "help" mummy to be happy. Awful situation to put the poor child in.

Re your friend letting her 9/10yo know about their family's financial situation - that's not quite so bad. The child(ren) is older, more able to understand complex situations, plus they're not being made responsible for a parent's happiness. They ARE being given a level of responsibility to understand that they can't have everything they want, but that's ok, I think. They don't need to understand everything apart from "we don't have enough money to buy you everything you want, whenever you want, you need to save up" - but that's a pretty good lesson to learn, I think.

Poor kid sounds like the Mum has her own mental health concerns i guess. Does your friend know if she has any support network?