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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas gifts?

32 replies

Christmaspresentsornot · 19/11/2017 20:46

I’ve name changed for this. Naice ham, cutted up pear, Captain Christmas, pom-bears, cancel the cheque etc.

I’m wondering whether to buy small gifts for my brother’s new partner and dad’s newish partner.

It’s a bit difficult and I’ve never met either of the new partners.

My brother’s new partner was the ow in an affair he had while married to someone else. This was about a year ago. He subsequently left his wife and young dcs to move in with ow. I am still in touch with his stbxw and will be buying her a gift as well as gifts for their dds (my nieces).

My dad’s newish partner was also the ow in an affair he had about 15 years ago, while married to my mum. My mum found out, was very angry, kicked him out etc, but eventually forgave him and they got back together. They were together then for quite a few years (more than ten) before my mum died quite unexpectedly. Around two years after that, my dad got together with the ow. They’ve been together now for a couple of years and she seems to make him happy, which I’m glad about as he was very, very down after my mum died.

I haven’t met her yet, as they don’t live together and I don’t live near either of them. I haven’t met my brother’s new partner as she and my brother also live far away from me.

Anyway, I am Christmas shopping at the moment and feel as if buying for my dad and brother, but not buying anything for their partners would be a bit strange and seem as if I’m trying to make a point? I was thinking about maybe buying them small gifts. Nothing personal or expensive, as we’ve never actually met each other.

Would love advice, as it’s all quite complicated and I don’t want to get it wrong. I can’t tell if it’s a nice idea or just terrible.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 19/11/2017 20:50

I'd go for a small gift each, shows willing. The past is the past.

iamyourequal · 19/11/2017 20:52

Naice ham, cutted up pear, Captain Christmas, pom-bears, cancel the cheque etc.

Sorry but I don't understand this bit of your post at all!

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 19/11/2017 20:54

That's to prove she's a mumsnetter that's name changed.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2017 20:55

I wouldn’t bother voting for someone I’ve never met.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2017 20:55

Voting?! That should say buying. What’s up with my phone tonight?!

Original poster
Christmaspresentsornot · 19/11/2017 20:55

iamyourequal

It’s a list memorable things said in mumsnet threads over the years; to ‘prove’ I’m not a journalist!

Thanks teen. That’s what I’m hoping.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 19/11/2017 20:55

Will you be seeing them over Christmas?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 19/11/2017 20:56

I'd buy something small and impersonal, possibly a bottle of wine or chocolates? I'd make sure the stb exsil (assuming you get on etc) received a thoughtful/personal gift though.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2017 20:56

It’s a list memorable things said in mumsnet threads over the years; to ‘prove’ I’m not a journalist!

Journalists can read threads with those things listed. It’s a bit pointless really.

Original poster
Christmaspresentsornot · 19/11/2017 20:58

No, we won’t see them this Christmas, but possibly in the new year.

OP posts:
Cottonwoolbawl · 19/11/2017 20:58

I think I would bring flowers /Yankee candle if I was visiting them- you don't really know them

Rolypoly · 19/11/2017 20:58

How about a joint gift like a hamper of goodies for each couple?

GreenTulips · 19/11/2017 20:58

Well sent a limit and buy some nice chocolates or wine

Can't harm - everyone loves a gift

Spam88 · 19/11/2017 21:00

Would you be more comfortable with joint (probably edible/drinkable) gifts?

Original poster
Christmaspresentsornot · 19/11/2017 21:00

Journalists can read threads with those things listed. It’s a bit pointless really

Ha! I initially wrote exactly this^^ in my earlier post but deleted it.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 19/11/2017 21:00

I now need to know about Captain Christmas.

I wouldn't get them gifts but I'm not into getting gifts for all and sundry for the sake of it. Huge waste of time and money. Just stick to DM, DP and nieces/nephews (no DCs of our own).

Original poster
Christmaspresentsornot · 19/11/2017 21:01

How about a joint gift like a hamper of goodies for each couple?

I thought about this, but it somehow feels more personal to me rather than less.

I was thinking about a candle, bath stuff or neutral scarf or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmaspresentsornot · 19/11/2017 21:02

I now need to know about Captain Christmas.

Head over to the “Santa” is a vulgar word thread! It’s quite funny.

OP posts:
Plainlycrackers · 19/11/2017 21:03

Another vote for a token gift like choccies/candle... totes awkward If they have gifts for you or your DC... always better to be in credit gift wise

Original poster
Christmaspresentsornot · 19/11/2017 21:14

Thanks. I think I will get them a small, token gift of some kind.

OP posts:
acquiescence · 19/11/2017 21:17

Possibly judgemental but I personally would wait a little longer before accepting a woman who willingly broke up a family. Maybe next year.
As for your dad's partner, I would buy her something. Just one opinion and I appreciate there are probably more complicating factors to the individual relationships!

KC225 · 19/11/2017 21:36

No, you have not met either of them. If you are going to meet in the new year, take some chocolates or flowers but you don't need to send a gift

3rdrockfromthesun · 19/11/2017 21:43

Candle, box of chocolate, wine.

nice picture frame with the previous spouse

carefreeeee · 19/11/2017 21:57

I think I'd get them something individual but smallish as it will help them to feel welcome in the family. Doing a shared hamper of goodies doesn't say this quite the same. The first year of a new partner it's nice if they get something just for them

OP sounds accepting but as for PP who suggesting waiting a year because they disapprove of 'breaking up a family', it's not your place to judge someone else's relationship and it's also not the OW's family that got broken up - most of the blame should be on the brother - so if missing anyone out because of disapproval, choose him, not the new partner. They may be awful but they are probably no worse than the brother!

theymademejoin · 19/11/2017 22:00

You could always take my in laws approach and don't buy them anything until they're married several years. First Christmas after we got married, I presumed we'd at least get a joint present (we had been together 8 years at this stage). Mil did at least give a joint present but sil1 gave dh socks and bil gave him a wooly hat. Surely it would have been easier to give a bottle of wine or chocolates to us both? The other sil, who has some idea of social niceties was abroad that year so no pressies to anyone. She was back the following year and gave us a joint present. She obviously had words with sil1 and bil as they finally gave us a joint present for the third Christmas we were married.

Sil1 suggested stopping sibling presents a few years back. Dh agreed. I thought it was a bit bah humbug but his family, so said nothing. Sil1 and sil2 proceeded to exchange gifts in front of us but didn't give gifts to any other siblings. Mil doesn't buy for at least one of her sons each year as she's usually annoyed with someone. She also buys massively disproportionate presents eg €20 for us and €150 for sil but nothing for sil's dh.

I think it would be very nice of you to buy something small and impersonal for them both.