Bedtime threat

[namtab17]

Have namechanged for this as usually DH is a sensible, thoughtful and calm Dad.

DS (5) was acting up a bit at bedtime, taking ages to pick a story, changing his mind about who he wanted to read it (me or DH), picking a book then changing his mind, not getting into bed when asked, getting back out of bed to sort action figures on shelf, kicking covers off then saying he was cold ... generally procrastinating and not listening, as he sometimes does when he’s overtired after a couple of late(ish) nights and an exciting day out.

Dog started barking downstairs so I went to see to her and left them to it after warning that he was already down to 1 story for his nonsense (usually has 2) and there would be no at all stories if he didn’t settle down.

Let dog out, was heading back up stairs when I heard ‘if you do that one more time, I’ll shut you in your room in the dark for 5minutes’ DS had been kicking DH through his duvet, not hard, just being a wee bugger and trying to wind him up.

I was livid and called DH on
it straight away then we bickered for 2mins which didn’t really help the situation.

DS is scared of the dark, something I’m working on with him. I thought this threat was totally out of order! There is no way I would ever shut DS, or threaten to shut DS, in the dark. Ever. That’s not a method of discipline, it’s a scare tactic and a pretty nasty one at that. I actually can’t quite believe DH said it.

DH thinks I’m over-reacting but I’m honestly raging.

AIBU for thinking that’s a shit thing to threaten a small child with, regardless of the crime??

YANBU!

Threatening to shut a child in a darkened room is bloody cruel especially when they know the child Levi’s scared of the dark.

If your DH had said he’d said it in the heat of the moment but wouldn’t follow through with it then I could kind of understand where he is coming from. Sometimes parents get frustrated and say things they don’t mean, which isn’t great but understandable. The fact that he is still adamant that he would do it is worrying. Maybe it’s just because he’s still mad? Are you raging at him? Maybe that is why he’s said he would follow through on the threat. If you’re calm and explain why it’s wrong he might calm down and agree with you. Hopefully anyway.

Your DH was BU

*Cocktails
*
When I first asked DH when he came down the stairs, he said ‘his nightlight would have been on’ but it’s a small circle the size of your hand. To DS, he would have been in the dark, and he would have been scared.

If it was a heat of the moment thing, I could maybe have accepted that I had been OTT going off on one at DH there and then. But as DS is scared of the dark, and started crying inconsolably when DH said it, so I felt it was important that I reassured him he would never be shut in the dark.

Maybe I’m soft. I was scared of the dark when I was a child too.

Think you need to explain to dh that shutting a child in the dark is cruel but shutting a child in the dark who has a fear or phobia of the dark is abusive.

So wait? DH was never going to shut DS in the dark as he has a night light that was going to be left on?

It’s a rubbish nightlight (keep meaning to get another one) and we leave his door open and the hall light on for him to go to sleep.

So yes, his room would have been very dark, just not pitch black.

Sounds to me like you completely pander to your DS. Being afraid of the dark is a learnt behaviour and seems to me like you're feeding it...

Hmmm so I sleep in a dark room, and when I’m away with work and on my own I like my room to be completely dark.

So not sure where you’re getting that idea. Because I was afraid from about ages 5-9?

Fucking hell, that’s horrible of your H. Cruel and sadistic. I don’t understand the posters who are minimising this. And the fact that he doesn’t admit that he was wrong.

We all get cross with our kids but that betrays all trust. If I were you I’d be looking at him and thinking, who are you?!

Fear of the dark isn’t always a learned behaviour. It can be a sensory issue or an issue with an overactive imagination... all manner of reasons.

Or are you in favour of using abusive practices for discipline?

How do you get that Buffer? I see loving parents except for the dark bit.

I’m completely with you on this. I would have spoken with my DH in the strongest terms if he’d ever done something so horrible to our children.

There were any number of other effective consequences he could have threatened and instead he chose to use something that your son is actually frightened of.

That is not good parenting.

OP, I am so baffled by some of the responses you've had. Of course you never threaten a child with something they are scared of, it's cruel. I don't see anywhere that you were pandering or allowing violence or feeding your son's fear of the dark . So many goady sods on Mumsnet it's near impossible to get a proper concensus.

I’ve asked DH if he now sees how wrong it was to say/think that and, whilst defensive to begin with, he apologised and said that he really didn’t think it through.

He said at that time he would have shut him in but now realised that wouldn’t have been a nice thing to do. He was just frustrated at his continual nonsense after getting him into bed (and annoyed as DS always comes back like this from my Sisters despite us asking her to not keep him up so late and not feeding him sweets all day! (Her 2 DSs are a bit older and they eat a lot of crap)

Still kind of worries me that he would have done that, but at least I know now it won’t ever happen.

Is it just me wondering whether a five year old would not just get out of bed and put the lift back on?

And thank you to those who can see where I’m coming from, instead of deflecting attention onto irrelevant non-facts!!

Light

Does your H have any phobias? Would he like to be threatened with being punished with a genuine phobia?

He needs to understand just how nasty and wrong he was to threaten his son in that way.

He had broken his child’s trust.

5foot5
I honestly think DS would panic for a while before thinking of doing that!
Would still be scared though.

I'm glad he's realised now it would be awful to punish your child with something you know they have a real fear of. It wouldn't have been right.

Would it be worth stopping him going to your sister's, since you then have to cope with tired sugar-crazed child?

He only goes once in a while Buttery thank goodness! We were at a friends’s daughters 21st. But the end result is always the same And the same goes for the odd occasion he goes to his Grans.

He does NOT do well on a sugar and E number come down!

Definitely not the right thing to say. However it does sound like your dh said it in the heat of the moment and possibly got defensive cause you were cross op. If she's knows it was wrong now I wouldn't worry too much more about it.
If DS mentions it tomorrow, might be worth dh explaining to him it was said in frustration and he's sorry and won't ever do it.

My dad did similar to me when I was little, I was slightly scared of the dark initially and downright terrified of it for years afterwards as he managed to reinforce the idea that the dark is something to be scared of.

Kids play up sometimes, we discipline them, not terrify them, but MN kids never do anything wrong as they're scared.

At least he's accepted he messed up.

I think shutting a 5yo in the dark for 5 mins is a totally fine punishment when all else has failed EXCEPT if that 5yo has a fear of the dark. That’s disproportionately punishing to the child.

Having said that, there’s no need to go overboard. DS wouldn’t have come to any harm, the dark is something he has to get used to eventually. It’s not like shutting him in a room with an Alsatian when he’s scared of dogs. Sure he will have suffered, but meh. They can be tough cookies at 5yo.

DH could have done a little better, but you’re more in the wrong for going off on him IMO.

YANBU namtab17

Bit late to this. But your point was about threatening a small child with something they've really frightened of. All the other details are irrelevant.

Your DH was probably frustrated and said it in the heat of the moment - we all do that. And he probably became defensive when you challenged him.

But like someone else said, it's important to say sorry/explain he was only cross to the child because that's teaching them a lesson about how people behave when angry - and how to resolve it.