Bedtime threat

[namtab17]

Have namechanged for this as usually DH is a sensible, thoughtful and calm Dad.

DS (5) was acting up a bit at bedtime, taking ages to pick a story, changing his mind about who he wanted to read it (me or DH), picking a book then changing his mind, not getting into bed when asked, getting back out of bed to sort action figures on shelf, kicking covers off then saying he was cold ... generally procrastinating and not listening, as he sometimes does when he’s overtired after a couple of late(ish) nights and an exciting day out.

Dog started barking downstairs so I went to see to her and left them to it after warning that he was already down to 1 story for his nonsense (usually has 2) and there would be no at all stories if he didn’t settle down.

Let dog out, was heading back up stairs when I heard ‘if you do that one more time, I’ll shut you in your room in the dark for 5minutes’ DS had been kicking DH through his duvet, not hard, just being a wee bugger and trying to wind him up.

I was livid and called DH on
it straight away then we bickered for 2mins which didn’t really help the situation.

DS is scared of the dark, something I’m working on with him. I thought this threat was totally out of order! There is no way I would ever shut DS, or threaten to shut DS, in the dark. Ever. That’s not a method of discipline, it’s a scare tactic and a pretty nasty one at that. I actually can’t quite believe DH said it.

DH thinks I’m over-reacting but I’m honestly raging.

AIBU for thinking that’s a shit thing to threaten a small child with, regardless of the crime??

not ideal, but no need to catastophise about it. Sounds like hes doing his best.

Karma
You’re reading a lot into this. I do not tolerate violence at all. Ever.

As you appear to need a full explanation, irrelevant as it is, I said ‘through the duvet’ as they were both lying down and DS (being a small 5yr old) was inside his bed and DH on top of duvet.
DS was kicking as in trying to push DH off the bed with his feet.

Thanks to those who’ve actually addressed the point of my AIBU.

I think karma has a point. If you're normally soft on discipline, and a couple of things you've said here suggest that, i wonder if your dh feels he has to be harsher to make up for it?

Your DH knows your DS is scared of the dark, and threatened to shut him up in the dark for five minutes because he wasn't behaving himself as well as he might have done.

That's bullying, spiteful behaviour. I'd have been so angry if my DH did anything like that to one of our children.

sirfred I'd have walked out of the room.

I've said it, and I've done it, not for 5 minutes but if they are refusing to leave a room and get into bed then the light shall went out.

Not proud of it but parents get stuff wrong! You overreacts and I hope you didn't "call him on it" in front of DS because that's a great way to undermine him and teach DS to divide and conquer.

I remember me whining on about it being too dark and my dad saying "that's not dark, this is" then shutting the door. It's a funny memory we wind him up about now as a "parenting fail". But his point that I STFU and went to sleep is valid

Thank you Ontherise

Glad I’m not the only one. Some posters seem fixated on my lack of discipline, which couldnt be further from the truth!
I am the one who gets frustrated with DH as he makes idle threats (as in 5 warnings about the same thing) whilst the kids know with me that I consistently follow through with my discipline methods and nip nonsense in the bud quickly. There are no second warnings.

I had already taken away 1 story and expected DH to follow though with removal of the second, but instead I go upstairs to find DH lying reading a story (!! Annoying, I wouldn’t have) whilst DS continues to act up!!

All the bedtime shenanigans would imply that someone is sort on discipline.

when I heard ‘if you do that one more time, I’ll shut you in your room in the dark for 5minutes’ DS had been kicking DH through his duvet, not hard, just being a wee bugger and trying to wind him up

So DH didn't actually shut DS in the dark...he gave him a warning for his behaviour...which you are totally trying to minimize btw. A 5yo should absolutely know that kicking is unacceptable. YABU.

Yes he was being a wee bugger, and should have been disciplined appropriately. I can’t see where I’ve suggested he shouldn’t have been, or where I’ve said his behaviour was ok.

For the umpteenth time, I do not believe shutting a child in the dark - or threatening to - is appropriate even if DS had jumped out of bed and ninja kicked DH in the face!

I am with you op and twitter queen.
Really not ok.

Thank you rickoshay

Just seems so cruel, especially when I’ve only just got DS to the stage where he’s not scared to go upstairs on his own

Well exactly. Not helpful at all, and you are the one left picking up the pieces.

I very much doubt your DH was trying to be cruel, it sounds like you need your DH to be the bad guy here rather than recognising it just maybe wasn't his finest hour.

I'd hate for DH to post my worst parenting moments to be put to public vote on numsnet - I think most people have times when we say things before properly thinking about the impact on our kids, it doesn't make us cruel, just thoughtless.

Have you disciplined him for kicking his dad or has dads transgression overshadowed his child's bad behaviour?

He doesn’t think of it as a bad parenting moment though.

This is one of those threads....

OP: AIBU
Majority: yes
OP: no I'm not

OP I had an absolute hellish day with a three year old who was absolutely not on top form and neither was I. I told him he could go to sleep himself unless he stopped acting like a brat.

Not proud but my god they drive you to distraction.

He started to behave and he did get a story.

You're being a bit hard on your DH

It’s absolutely awful to use phobias in disciplining anyone. Just because it’s a small child does not make it ok to impose your will through fear.

OP I suggest you ask H how you’re supposed to overcome that fear now. Unless of course he’s banking on it not being overcome so he can continue to inflict mental abuse on his son.

Sweetdreams

Most people are either (wrongly) assuming DH regrets saying it though, or are more fixated on DSs behaviour.

Would you shut your 5 year old in a dark room for 5 minutes? As DH claims he would have followed through with his threat.

As there is another thread where a three year old girl had been covered in cold water by her dad in the bath because she hadn’t got out and that’s been determined categorically abusive, i can’t see this is any better I can’t see how this is good parenting.

He’s deliberately playing on a fear your child has and that’s awful

I saw that* thread PhDpepper*

Feel like the point in question has been derailed by the fact I said DS was acting up, and some posters’ massive assumptions regarding my alleged lack of discipline.

OP I think it was a mean thing to do.
I have a DS similar age and he would also faff about like yours when he's overtired. This also includes flapping his legs about when he is very tired - it's like they get a mind of their own.
I would do exactly same as you - removal of stories, removal of toys, 5 mins 'timeout'.
I don't think it is ok to threaten a child - boundaries and consequences are one thing - but doing something you KNOW will scare your child is not ok.

Do you believe your DH would have carried out the threat?

There is a huge difference saying something in the heat of the moment and actually doing it

Sweetdreams
Yes, he has said he would have done it had I not come up at that moment. I have told him this is not acceptable and he agrees never to to it, but I’m angry that he would have done it and had to have it pointed out to him that it would have terrified DS and set him back significantly.
*
Crabbit*
DS is terrible for faffing about and being generally uncooperative when overtired. I deal with it and our methods for doing so work well. DH just threw this in - after not following through with our normal process for dealing with him when he’s like that (very annoying, and probably partly why the nonsense continued once in bed... getting the story he should’ve have got! )