Genuinely don't know if I'm AIBU - comments about DC

[puglife15]

So this weekend we had a GP visiting and they said the following:

That DC1 (4) has picked up (undesirable in their eyes) local accent and his cousins who go to private school now sound so posh (previously has said how nicely they speak)

That DC1 gurns awfully when he talks and how they hope he grows out of it as no one will want to go out with him when he's older, followed by impression of him when he's older saying "will you go out with me?" while doing really OTT pulling faces (he has IMO a wonderfully expressive face, i wouldn't describe it as gurning)

That DC1's farts stink and moving away from him. He's had a tummy bug last week and was letting some real stinkers off to be fair.

I can't work out if I'm being really oversensitive taking offence and being pissed off or whether these are pretty harmless comments. All said in front of DC if that makes any difference.

My parents used to do things like this. They'd say awful things about one of my children (always the same one) and one of my sibling's children (again always the same one) but if anyone objected they'd insist it was only a joke, or say something about how they were only trying to help.

With hindsight they were horribly abusive to me and my sibling, and were starting on our children too. I am no longer in contact with them but my sibling is, and the grandchild they used to pick on so badly has had all sorts of problems with mental health, an eating disorder too.

If you think they're being mean about your child then I think they probably are. Pull them up on their behaviour every single time. Don't let them excuse their awful behaviour. Don't let them claim it was only a joke. Stand up for your child because no one else will.

Ahh GP= grandparent. I read it first as Dr and thought wtf!!

It's unkind, rude and unnecessary. I would have said something - ideally measured, but I'd have gone for over-reacting rather than ignoring it if that was the choice I faced - I think it's important for your child to hear you standing up for them.

Possibly commenting on his stinky farts is ok if in the context of otherwise warmth and affection. Bit at posters suggesting he shouldn't be farting - even without a tummy upset, that's beyond my expectations of a 4yo.

Surely it's just good manners that Farting should be done in a toilet if you have visitors and especially if the boy has had a tummy bug??

What's gurning?

They sound nasty. The accent thing is horrible and really snobby. Even if they don't like the accent, it's not there place to comment on it.

A comment on the farts might be acceptable if it was done in a concerned way e.g. asking does he have a tummy bug or something.

Making fun of a child for their mannerisms is also nasty.

OMG they sound utterly obnoxious judgemental weirdos. I'd tell them thanks for letting us know what close minded snobs you are with no acceptance on ill health. If they'd rather spend time with their other grandchildren as preference then let them. Your children could do without adults taking the piss out of them.

gurning is pulling grotesque/hideous faces.

Your in laws are very rude. It sounds as if they were gurning themselves. Their behaviour was grotesque in any case.

Gurning is pulling exaggerated faces in an attempt to look as odd as possible. It used to be a thing people did (also a thing comedians used to do to imply someone was below average intellugence). So vile.

whatwould I think you are being harsh in your description of gurning. Possibly true of an adult, but remember we are talking about a 4 year old here. With children it is no way offensive or designed to be anything other than interesting to themselves and exploratory.

My brother used to pull faces in the stainless steel teapot that was always on the table. It was never meant to be offensive and again, at 4, it's in no way directed at anyone else. It's simply exploring your own body and mannerisms.

This is why I think derogatory comments from anyone else about a toddler/child doing this are so totally wrong.

To those who doubt that grandparents would do this - I have no problem in believing it because my father did this kind of imitation to me as far back as I can remember, but of course I wasn't "able to take a joke".

You should reply "well, whatever you think of them, at least they've got good manners and wouldn't say nasty things about their family members, now shall we start criticising you or are we all going to play nicely?"

TooMany
I agree. Jokes have always been made at others expense in my family, especially mine. Not about faces pulled but about my character. My brother was a good study and he also made vile comments all my life. When my mother tried it with my dd, I hit the roof.

they don't like him and therefore they spend NO time with him. I wuold not leave a four year old within earshot of these nasty people

Thanks. Gurning isn't an expression I've heard before. So it's basically fairly normal facial movement for young kids.

About the gurning, just say how wonderful it is that so many people have remarked on the likeness between them and their grandson.

I'm surprised people think a grandparent wouldn't possibly do this. It's hardly unheard of for parents to have a very obvious favourite child and then carry that on into the next generation, picking out one grandchild to treat as the "inferior" one. I've known similar to happen for two different friends - gps comparing friends child unfavourably with cousins, always noticing (and being vocal about) anything they consider negative but ignoring the child's achievements and being openly sneery and belittling towards the child. Really horrible behaviour which I thought might be over sensitivity on friends part until I witnessed it . I would keep a very close eye on this Op.

Technically, I think gurning is a sport (well.. err.. hobby? Competitive something or other) where people put their head through a plough horse's harness, then try to make a silly face. The classic one involves pulling your bottom lip up as high as possible, and is therefor best done by those without teeth.
A Gurner
However, in this instance, they just mean probably a very expressive face as he talks.

You need to get them round my house OP. 3 year old DS was forcing his farts to "amuse" his elder sisters today and shat himself.

True story.

Really not the point of this thread, but I wonder how many four year olds you've managed to make contain their farts in the bathroom Candle (hmm)

smiley fail there

thehandmaidstail hahah

OP start pulling GP's up on their treatment, maybe start in a lighthearted "Poor DS just can't do anything right with you today can he!"

If it continues say it a bit more sharply.

Idiots happen.The acid test is - Did GP say anything nice about DS? If you were only getting negative feedback I would keep an eye in case it turns to favouritism or bullying.

Specifically, the accent thing must be one of the oldest silly-GP cliches in the book ignore it. Rank farts do need a swift exit by one party, tho, so if GP could have taken a breather it was unreasonable to mention it. Tell DS to leave the room to fart in future, however.

Thanks everyone.

It sounds like IANBU in feeling this is not OK. DH is so conditioned to this sort of behaviour. I want to email them (in a very fair way) but DH doesn't and just wants to pick up on it when it next happens, we've just had a bit of a disagreement about it. He has said he will email, now I feel like I'm making him do something he doesn't want to do. having said that I'm not going to nag him about it and I'll be extremely surprised if he does actually send anything

The DC's cousins are favoured, as DH's siblings are favoured over him. I find it quite upsetting tbh.

The acid test is - Did GP say anything nice about DS?

Struggling to think of anything they did say, but probably...? They watched a video of him when he was younger which they liked/ said was sweet.