To get cross when DP doesn't count my part-time work as work

[TwoBobs]

because it's not full-time?

Background:
We have 2 young disabled children. Between them they have about 15 medical appointments during work hours a year. (We've had 4 appointments in the last 3 weeks).

I have only not earned money for 5 months in the last 8 years. Before kids I worked full time earning very good money plus excellent maternity pay. I had 5 months without pay and then started earning again when youngest was 18 months and have worked ever since.

Sometimes that has meant bringing home £400/months (15 hours a week), sometimes £1000/month (30 hours a week). This has always needed to be flexible working from home work because of the children's varying needs. So I HAVE ALWAYS HAD TO WORK WHILE EITHER THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP (after being at home with them all day) or WITH THE KIDS WITH ME. I've never had childcare.

The reason for NOT doing out of home work is because:

• Child 1 is autistic and would not cope with childcare - hates me working altogether.
• So many medical appointments. DP would only occasionally be able to take time off work so it would be me ditching work about 10-12 times a year for at least a half day.
• Every time we do the sums, it's not worth me working outside the home after the cost of childcare.

Other half hardly ever lifts a finger for housework/childcare. He expects me to do 95per cent of both whether I'm working 15 hours or 30 hours. Me working full time would not change that. I am often up in the early hours with the autistic child and that child will regularly refuse to go to school.

I said to other half that I've seen a job that will top up my current job to 20 hours a week. Total earning £600 a month but would mean he'd have to do breakfast for the kids every school morning before he goes to work (he normally just sorts himself and I do the kids whether it's a working day for me or not). He doesn't think it's worth me doing the top up job and then says "we've managed so far with you not working for the last 8 years". He does this every time we discuss work. There's always the implication that I don't work when I have for the last 8 years. Then he moans that he has to pay most of the bills from his excellent wages.

He does work long hours 60 hours ish a week but then also has long hols where I still do all the housework and most of childcare even when I'm working and he's off.

Sorry for the long one. I just needed to rant about the fact that all the child rearing I do and my part time work is not seen as work in his eyes.

He’s being a dick. My ex was the same in our very similar situation. Yanbu

He’s a selfish, lazy (in the home) tosser!

Stab him. I'll provide the alibi.

So he can't manage combining work with childcare/housework, but of course, you can?

Yanbu.

One of my DC has many medical appointments and one of the reasons I don't work at all is so that I can attend these without the restrictions of working.

You sound like a superstar op juggling everything.

Kick him out.
It's not as if he brings anything to your life!

I'm glad it's not just me then! He said "we said we'd manage for 3 years, then that turned into 5 years and now it's been 8 years". When I say "hang on a second, I DO work!" He says "don't start getting angry" and implies I'm unnecessarily going off on one and over reacting to what he's saying. Greer!

Grrrr, not Greer but I guess very apt! How did the feminist me get into this situation?

He's a dick. I'd seriously consider telling him you're having a week off, he'll have to take a week off from work to deal with the children, and go. Stay with a friend. Go on holiday. Go somewhere!

Let him deal with EVERYTHING for that week.

Then when you get back, tell him that you will not continue on as you were with his disrespect towards you, your job, your children (and he is, thinking he has to do fuck all), and your home. YOu are not the maid. You are an equal partner in this relationship, and he has to act like it at home, too. Or the marriage won't make it.

Former babe - you have just made me well up. It IS hard. But now I make sure I get some ME time every week when they're at school.

Thanks everyone for making me feel better.

Well if he doesn't count it as work, then he shouldn't count on your wages to support the family either.

I would suggest you save your wages so you can plan to leave this bastard.

You do 95% of the housework, most of the childcare, work part-time and he has the gall to complain about paying the majority of the bills?

What an absolute arse wipe. Please stop cooking and doing laundry or anything else for this twat. Then he may realise how much you do.

My autistic child would not cope with me leaving for a week. Like the idea of it but I would pay the price with that child for doing it and would cause many problems in the long run with the child. Neither child copes very well when Daddy takes over. Probably because they are just not used to him being around.

He refuses to get married or buy a house or combine finances. I am busy protecting myself on that score though. I have my own house that I rent out.

Yes, I stopped the cooking and laundry years ago when he came home from work and said he was sick of living in a "shit pile". I had two (disabled, but didn't realise at the time, demanding) babies. I can't remember if I was doing part time work at that point or not.

He also now coughs up for a cleaner.

yanbu
it sounds like you would be better of without him.
and 50/50 residence with the dc's father

You sound pretty independent and savvy. What does he bring to your life?

I have 2 jobs that fit around the children.
My DH regularly says 'when you go back to work ...'
I feel your pain

Hope you manage to sort it.

He refuses to get married or buy a house or combine finances.

Fuck me, OP, he’s stitching you up like a kipper.

He treats you like a skivvy, doesn’t acknowledge what you do, doesn’t pull his weight and his parenting skills are a bit crap...

What exactly do you get out of this?

Neither child copes very well when Daddy takes over. Probably because they are just not used to him being around.

well, that's easy to change.

what does he bring to the relationship? apart from money - he's not supporting you physically or emotionally and appreciating the things you do.

Neither child copes very well when Daddy takes over. Probably because they are just not used to him being around. so what is the plan to turn this around?

Do you mind me asking what job you do from home op? I have three autistic dc and can't work outside the home.
Yanbu, you are doing flipping loads.

Reminds me of my dh as well. I’m self employed, working from home in what’s not really considered as a “proper job” but I earn similar to you. He always says that he pays all the bills etc - which yes he does but I pay everything for the kids,school lunches, trips, clubs, the cleaner, clothes, presents etc etc and when he’s overspent his (I don’t know how tbh he earns plenty) he comes asking me for money too. One day I questioned something about his spend and he goes “I pay all the bills, perhaps I should ask you for a contribution” I hit the roof. Such a twattish thing to say, I do everything for 4dc and the house, and like you work when their asleep, getting hardly any time to myself as youngest is a baby.

Turn it on it’s head.
Tell him he is right and you really should be working full time.
Sit down with him and see how you will be able to share the parenting with him, issue with your ds who is on the spectrum, issues with appointments as well as all the hiuseork, cooking, getting up at night etc etc.
Ask him to take in let’s say all the morning runs and half of the medical appointments.
Ask him to be in charge all the cooking and shopping.
See how much disposable income you will then have if you work as well as how money you would have if you weren’t working at all.
Then ask him what he would find the best solution is.
Don’t forget to add the possibility that YOU go to work full time whilst HE is going part time around his dcs and does all the errants with them.

See his reaction.

Raging Feminist - I've done that and he has said "you know I won't be able to do the school runs plus x,y and z" His job means that he HAS to be in a certain place at a certain time without fail plus only certain holiday dates allowed so it is impossible for him to do a chunk of what most partners could with their work. Hence why it makes sense that I don't work full time.
When I suggest he gives up his job/goes part time and I work full time, his response is I'd never earn the kind of money he earns do and it's true, we couldn't live on the money it would generate.
We've had so many of these discussions over the years but then he will have moments like these where my work isn't "real work". Does my nut in!
He feels resentful that he works long hours where perceives that I don't. He might be working in front of TV when I can watch it. But then he doesn't see all my sleepless/nights of disturbed sleep.

What do I get from him? He is very emotionally supportive. If I'm upset by someone, he's there to defend me. He is a rock when we have to battle for our kids. He can be kind and caring. He drives me batty but I also love him.

I guess I've come around to the idea that things will never change (believe me I've tried!). So, I am carving out things for me and time for me when the opportunity arises.

so what would happen if he left you?

you are not married - you don't have joint assets. you are not entitled to his assets/income.
could you feed yourself and your dc on your income and child maintenance (if he does pay it...)?

you neec to get your ducks in a row...

I have been busy the last few months getting my ducks in a row. I would be ok financially if he did leave me based on current earnings, disabled child benefits, and earnings from my property. If he paid minimum maintenance then I would be very comfortably off. My next plan is to earn more and pile it all into topping up my pension and paying off my mortgage.
He has no other assets and his name is not linked to my property in any way, shape or form. I have offered to sell it to put the proceeds towards buying a house together but he seems to have some kind of deep fear of getting a mortgage.