To get cross when DP doesn't count my part-time work as work

[TwoBobs]

because it's not full-time?

Background:
We have 2 young disabled children. Between them they have about 15 medical appointments during work hours a year. (We've had 4 appointments in the last 3 weeks).

I have only not earned money for 5 months in the last 8 years. Before kids I worked full time earning very good money plus excellent maternity pay. I had 5 months without pay and then started earning again when youngest was 18 months and have worked ever since.

Sometimes that has meant bringing home £400/months (15 hours a week), sometimes £1000/month (30 hours a week). This has always needed to be flexible working from home work because of the children's varying needs. So I HAVE ALWAYS HAD TO WORK WHILE EITHER THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP (after being at home with them all day) or WITH THE KIDS WITH ME. I've never had childcare.

The reason for NOT doing out of home work is because:

• Child 1 is autistic and would not cope with childcare - hates me working altogether.
• So many medical appointments. DP would only occasionally be able to take time off work so it would be me ditching work about 10-12 times a year for at least a half day.
• Every time we do the sums, it's not worth me working outside the home after the cost of childcare.

Other half hardly ever lifts a finger for housework/childcare. He expects me to do 95per cent of both whether I'm working 15 hours or 30 hours. Me working full time would not change that. I am often up in the early hours with the autistic child and that child will regularly refuse to go to school.

I said to other half that I've seen a job that will top up my current job to 20 hours a week. Total earning £600 a month but would mean he'd have to do breakfast for the kids every school morning before he goes to work (he normally just sorts himself and I do the kids whether it's a working day for me or not). He doesn't think it's worth me doing the top up job and then says "we've managed so far with you not working for the last 8 years". He does this every time we discuss work. There's always the implication that I don't work when I have for the last 8 years. Then he moans that he has to pay most of the bills from his excellent wages.

He does work long hours 60 hours ish a week but then also has long hols where I still do all the housework and most of childcare even when I'm working and he's off.

Sorry for the long one. I just needed to rant about the fact that all the child rearing I do and my part time work is not seen as work in his eyes.

He could down grade his job and go part time just like you had to.

good

Well it would also be worth pointing out that he would have shared care of the children if you split- how would he manage his 50% of the child care then...

He wouldn't manage. He'd only agree to have them over the weekend. But then he'll complain that he's got work to do. He would have a shock but probably do the bare minimum and have the kids running around doing stuff but not remind them to brush their teeth hair, wash their clothes, do their therapies etc. It just wouldn't enter his head to do that stuff. They'd come home a dishevelled mess and possibly stressed. He only ever cooks them one proper meal or something like soup or beans on toast. That's the extent of his cooking repertoire!

Re the top-up job, would it just be giving them breakfast, no school-run etc? I'd really struggle to get past him saying no to that.

Yes, JUST breakfast. I said it will take you 5 minutes. He then reluctantly accepted that. But that's why he's suggesting I don't need the job.

Makes me more determined to go for the job But I expect I'd come home and find him not having remembered to do breakfast.

That's my job because in his eyes I don't work because it's not like his work or the money he earns.

So basically he's not prepared to be a parent then. For his own children. What a total loser. I think you are right to be readying yourself, it sounds like you have seen this coming. Make sure he coughs up sufficiently to help with your DCs extra needs too, seeing as he has the income, facilitated by you.

He's trying to make you feel guilty and like a second class citizen compared to his Magnifico money making self. Does that sound like he is controlling and manipulative?

He fears commitment, wont marry, wont have a shared mortgage.
Wants you to earn a full time wage and do all the mental work and the childcare and run the house.
Make sure you have savings to support you and your children. You need a safety net.

I'd counter you do need it to go towards a pension. Which I assume he has. But really I don't think giving his own children breakfast, when you have at least one who wakes in the night, should be such a drama to him.

He sounds horrible!

Don't let him near your mortgage and I would be wary of making additional payments in your current circumstances. Put as much of your income as you can in a fund for your solo life. I would ask him to leave, so wouldn't take a job which required input from him. Good luck to you. You deserve much better than this.

It's amazing how he's progressed in his demanding career but giving his children breakfast is too challenging for him. Poor thing.

If you left him you would automatically be GIVEN 20% of his wages to use as you see fit. MAybe remind him of this.

Take the job

Hire a mothers help / cleaner to come in every mornings , feed the kids, put them on the bus and clean.

Then LTB

You sound brilliant OP, managing to work around your children and in particular DC1's difficulty with childcare.

It is a shame that your OH does not give you the respect you so clearly deserve.

It's not really about the 25 minutes of his oh so precious time a week to give them breakfast though, is it? It sounds more like he doesn't want sole responsibility for the children at any time, and uses his payslip to wave that away.

Amazing how he just couldn’t managed to do anything re parenting HIS children....
But you know that if, god forbid, something was happening to you and he as in his own looking after HIS dcs, he would find a way. He wouod have to find a way.

So saying he can’t is just a cop-out. He could but it would probably involve him finding a another job more child/family friendly.
What he is saying is that he doesn’t have to because you are there to take up the slack. And he doesn’t see why you wouldnt do that because that’s what you are supposed to do.

have a read of this thread

Hmm

I wonder if him being emotionally supportive is him actually him making you emotionally reliant

Because I can't square that with his dismissive attitude at other times and lack of practical help

You say that if someone else upsets you he's there to support you, but what if it's him who is upsetting you through his actions or inactions?

That's pretty paternalistic

Oh and also (and more charitably) if he's not happy with his work, then he needs to address that - not take it out on you

Very good points made. Yes, he does use his payslip to wave away any day to day responsibility for the kids.