Thinking that she's hardly a responsible parent

[Geegee84]

My Sil has three dd's who are 14,13 and 11. She's always been the type of parent to give them what they want and gives in all the time for and easy life. When kids are little it's hard work so I can understand a little but now they're older me and Dh are a little concerned about how lax she is regarding certain things. For instance she allows our 14 year old neice to drink. Now I know kids will do it eventually but my Sil actually goes out and buys her and her friends alcohol. My eldest dd is 13 is on snap chat (I supervise and check her account) and has on many occasions shown me pictures of my niece going on nights posing with a bottle of vodka dressed in skirts that practically show her backside hanging out and tops that barely contain her chest. Now don't get me wrong I know what teenagers are like especially girls but how is this acceptable?

My Sil the other night was on the phone to my Dh and my neice popped back to her house and was talking with my Sil in the background. Dh heard his neice mither his sister for more money as her and her friends wanted to get the train (miles away) to a party and they also needed to buy more alcohol. My Sil agreed and handed her another £20 (or at least that's what Dh said it sounded like she gave her) and off she went.

It's not just our eldest niece though. Our 13 year old neice has been brought home by the police a few weeks ago as she was over the park drunk with friends and had been causing trouble with some neighbour's. She's also having major problems at school and has absolutely no respect for anyone. She dresses like she is 18 and my Sil also allows my 11 year old neice to walk around wearing push up bras, belly tops that aren't really belly tops and are more like boob tubes and she lets her wear red lip stick and really short skirts.

I know I'll be told to mind my own business but it's concerning and quite frankly I can't get over how my Sil just doesn't seem to give a shit what he kids are up to, how they behave or what they wear.

Her excuse is that if she allows her kids to drink "sensibly" then they won't be inclined to hide it and do it in secret.
The point is she id NOT teaching them to drink sensibly. She is supplying alcohol yo early teens and then not taking any responsibility.

My parents and my friends parents allowed us to have a drink at parties from 15. But all parents gave consent and it was in someone's house, with food. We were top grade students, all had extra curriculars etc and we were brought up to know about responsible drinking.

What she is doing is nowhere close to choosing ti allow her teen a drink to teach responsible drinking. She is putting her daughters into situations where they are at an increased risk of risk taking behaviour and child sexual exploitation.

Posted too soon

Because of the increased risk of child sexual exploitation and risk taking behaviour I would call their school and ask to speak to the safeguarding leader. My guess would be that staff are already flagging concerns about them. Then the safeguarding leader will add your concerns to the ones in school and make a decision on what to do.

My Sil can be a bit of a wild cannon and i know if I spoke to her about this she'd lose the plot. She's said things to my Dh about me in the past that I'm over bearing when I'm actually laid back, well most of the time anyway, and that by not letting my kids do certain things I'm over parenting them and just encouraging them to lie to me.

It doesn’t sound as if your sils philosophy of drinking sensibly is working at all. Both her elder dds appear to be drinking far too much.

Yes, I’d be worried. I assume the girls don’t go to the same school as yours. I was thinking you could talk your concerns through with the school.

All you can do is talk to your dd about protecting herself and keeping herself safe. For her own protection, you cannot facilitate her acting the same as them. If you are really worried, you could report them to SS as suggested. Can you talk to your nieces? Would they listen to you and your dh? It sounds as if they need some serious boundaries.

Geegee84
Speak to the school or call social services directly.

I had to call them because a pupil made a disclosure on a Friday after school and I couldn't find our safeguaridng lead. Social services asked my info but then if i would be happy for the family to know who called. I said no, but they could say 'school'. You could call and your SIL wouldn't know.

Not sure what you can do tbh, but I do agree with you. Just keep your DDs away from any possible influence, and emphasise that this is not a good example.

Otherwise, my only comment is that alcohol and micro skirts on very young teens is what gets them noticed by predatory men.

They go to separate schools thankfully. I'm not sure what to do really. My dh's family wouldn't speak to me ever again if i spoke to school never mind social services. I just feel really bad for the kids as they need guidance and boundaries at this age not parents who are too lazy to parent them properly.

In situations like this it's very easy for people to criticise each other's parenting styles. Unless the child is being abused severely enough to be removed from the home it's not worth your while stepping in and whatever your opinion (or anyone's opinion is) is irrelevant. That's not written to make a jab at you, you're concerned about her kids which is a good thing, it means you're a caring person.

People have their own parenting styles. She isn't abusing her child, she's letting her wear revealing clothing and makeup. She should be able to look pretty and keep up with her friends if she wants to.

Perverts will try it on with girls no matter how they dress or whether they wear makeup or not if they are pretty. Young girls are the most vulnerable for this but it's not their fault. Studies show most men are attracted to teenage and pre-teen girls, it's her Mother's job to protect her from these men acting on such thoughts. She should be able to have a drink here and there with her friends on occasion. It won't kill her or have any major affect on her life in any way, shape or form.

Ask yourself this, if you don't like it, what can you do about it? The kids are teenagers, they've lived out most of their childhood already. Soon they'll be old enough to live independently or go away to study or have babies of their own. If they were removed for any reason it'd mess up their education at this stage. This isn't that bad and some would say it's not bad at all depending on where they stand with this.

Not every child or every person is born to be a winner, some people are born to do menial jobs and don't have the capacity to be a neuroscientist or a physician or a lawyer. Some people are born to push a mop around or collect rubbish and they're still valuable and still deserve a good quality of life and a safe place to call home by all means but with these people it doesn't really matter if they respect authority all that much at all, they just drift along at the bottom of the food chain and that's it. I don't know, maybe I'm rambling on too much. Point is, there's nothing you can practically do about this in the best interests of her kids, their her kids. Unless society becomes something like an Aldrous Huxley novel this is how it will be

They wouldn't need to know you had OP. And if thry are the type if people who would back someone who enables their childreb to be at risk of harm and exploitation then I'm afraid thry are horrible individuals.

If I'm honest, I've taught countless girls like your nieces. They almost always are the topic of conversation in pastoral meetings and when I've been to pass on concern forms the safeguarding lead usually will say 'you're about the 3rd today. Party over the weekend by any chance?'

They will be more open at school than at home so my guess would be school already are building a picture of what is going on.

The comments about alcohol and short skirts attracting predators are rubbish and victim-blamey. I had such a childhood and did not drink or wear such clothing, it's not about how the girls look. It's about the mentality of the men they are exposed to and interact with. The girls can look how they want, they could even wear a niqab and it will have no affect on these men's attempts to coerce or molest them.

SquirrelTail
So the children are getting drunk, in trouble with the police, not achieving at school, on the brink of exclusion and displaying behaviour that is textbook for a child at risk of engaging in risk taking behaviours and child sexual exploitaion and we should just say 'aww well i suppose some people parent differently'?

Really?!

The mother has a duty to keep her childreb safe. She is not keeping them safe.

We aren't talking about a supervised drink lile me and my mates did at 15. We are talking about an adult whi buys her 14 year old alcohol and then abdicated any responsibility for the outcome.
Maybe I'm tainted by years of child protection referals but thr child is at risk.

I'd report them too. It's illegal to buy alcohol for minors, and also extremely irresponsible.

Re the other stuff clothes etc some parents just seem to be happy letting their kids do that, I wouldn't myself but it's nothing compared to buying your kid vodka. She's putting her kids at risk, it's very irresponsible.

I agree with Maisy. Your in laws and indeed your dh for that matter would never need to know it was you. I don’t think it would be any loss to be ignored by them tbh. They don’t sound very nice and are rather judgemental.

most men are attracted to teenage and pre-teen girls

Most men are attracted to pre teen girls?

I don't think so!

I think it’s the fact that she’s buying them vodka that worries me. A small glass of wine wouldn’t be an issue IMO, they do that in France and they have less problem with alcohol misuse than we do.

The comments about alcohol and short skirts attracting predators are rubbish and victim-blamey
No victim blaming at all.
Do you have any experience working with teens or any training in risk taking behaviour in teens or any training in child sexual exploitation?

The children are NEVER to blame for being harmed.
Some children are more easy targets for predators than others.
Think about Rochdale. The predatory men selected more vulnerable girls.

You may like to pretend otherwise but to a creepy predator a 14 year old girl, dressed much older, hanging around at night, drinking to excess etc is a much easier target for them.
This is not victim blaming.

100% agree with Maisypops.

Everything in isolation can be put down to 'different parenting styles'.
The whole picture is 2 teenage girls at risk through the lifestyle they are allowed to lead.

Studies show most men are attracted to teenage and pre-teen girls, it's her Mother's job to protect her from these men acting on such thoughts

Um, WHAT? Excuse me? Most men are attracted to 11 and 12 year olds? Which studies are these?

wild It's just a silly attempt to derail a thread by trying to get a discussion going on what age men may be attracted to girls. I'd not bite. Its weird.

I hate thread like this. You don't want to do anything, you just want a sympathetic audience for your prurient gossip.

Um.Try talking to them rather than ringing social services??

Your dh should talk to his sister about the alcohol. She is being a dickhead if she is actually buying them alcohol and not even supervising them either. All it takes is for a situation to develop where it comes out she is buying it, another parent hears about and reports her. Teaching career?

Does she want the dreaded phone call sometime in the evening to say her dd is passed out somewhere out of her head and have to take her to hospital to dehydrate on a drip?
Surprised it hasn't happened already actually.
Been there with dd's 14 year old friend. She couldnt even stand.

Ultimately they are making some shut parenting decisions that may well come back and bite them on the area sooner rather than later.
Get your dh to say he's worried about safety when they are out.
Their education -there isn't anything you can do about that.

Love this line from the OP (NOT)

I know what teenagers are like especially girls

I'd report them too. It's illegal to buy alcohol for minors, and also extremely irresponsible.

Common misconception. Its illegal to buy them alcohol to drink in public places, including bars, unless aged 16 and then they can have wine with meals. A private house party isn't in public.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s/

It is not illegal:
For someone over 18 to buy a child over 16 beer, wine or cider if they are eating a table meal together in licensed premises.

For a child aged five to 16 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises.

Shit and arse!
Sorry . Damn lack of edit after posting!

WildBluebelles,

"Based on objective studies, rather than anecdotal evidence and adamant denial rants (which mean nothing), about 90% of men are attracted to preteen girls.

A peer-reviewed scientific journal study (Behavior Therapy 26, 681-694, 1995), conducted by Kent State University, 1995 (Lori L. Oliver, Gordon C. Nagayama, Richard Hirschman) was conducted on a sample of normal (adult attracted) male volunteers using the "penile plethysmograph".

The team carried out hundreds of tests exposing men to female adult and child images. 95% exhibited arousal to the female adult images.

A staggering 88.7% exhibited arousal to the female child (less than 12 years old) images.

Prior to the study, 80% of the participants claimed to have no attraction to children and all of them had no history of illegal or legal youth attracted behavior.

For credibility information about this study, simply type in the citation info from the beginning of this post. The full report is quite detailed and it explains the many controls that were in place to ensure the result were accurate."

I was sexually exploited throughout my childhood eventually becoming pregnant at seventeen by someone who was sexually abusing and raping me and I can only tell you how I see this from my own experience of the type of people who do these things.

Why the details about their clothing, are we not sharing enough for your taste?