Credit card Statements and OH

[elfish1980]

Opinions wanted please!

I am a SAHM so at the moment I'm not earning. Me and my OH are both happy with this, it was a mutual decision for me to give up work. All of the money he earns is joint/family money and we each have savings accounts in both our own names and jointly. Our house is also owned 50/50.

Each month, his wages go into our joint account and all bills/savings are paid from there. We then each have a set amount we receive each into our own accounts that we can spend as we wish. We've no debts, and are in a steady financial position.

We each put all of our household spending (fuel, groceries etc) on our individual credit cards (for points/cashback) then pay the bills in full each month from the joint account. I've always had online statements - even before I was a SAHM - that I go through each month and pay, and I send OH an email with a detailed breakdown of the joint bill. I don't mind doing this as it makes sense to keep a check on how much we're spending in supermarkets etc

Just recently he's been saying he wants to see and go through my statements. I've said no because there are things (mainly Xmas gifts for him) that I don't want him to see but I've explained why and said come January if he really wants to see them, he can but I don't understand why he needs to as I give him a breakdown anyway.

He's basically said he doesn't think the breakdowns are accurate and he wants to see for himself. I don't have a huge problem with this after Xmas really but AIBU to feel a bit miffed? I don't have anything to hide but I do feel like I should be able to have some degree of privacy on what I spend my own money on if I want it. I don't know, I just feel like demanding to inspect someone else's credit card transactions is a bit off. Is it just me?

Are you married?

Sounds to me like the worm is turning in respect of his 'happiness' at being sole earner. He's not the first. In my experience, it's all hunky dorey in theory when deciding the wife will SAH. However, a while into it, the respect they have for you starts to decrease and they become financially tight or have an affair

A totally sweeping statement, I understand. However, I haven't picked this observation out of my arse. It's been seen time and time again.

No, were not married. Not sure why that's relevant? I'm sufficiently financially protected, the house is equally owned with lots of equity in it, we have wills, life insurance, income protection (his) and critical illness cover for each other, I'm named as the sole recipient of his pension and in work death benefits should the worst happen etc.

We will be at some point, but I have fertility issues so we had a choice between waiting to try for DC after we'd saved and planned for a wedding or trying and with the issues I have and the fact that I was already over 30 we had DS first. Luckily we had him with fairly few issues but a life with children was a much higher priority than getting married.

I can't see why you can't just show him the statements with any personal items crossed out. I think it's perfectly reasonable for both of you to be able to see everything that's been spent out your joint account!

This is yet another example of if we had the reverse thread posted "I'm worried about our finances, so I've asked to see DH's credit card statements so I can see where the money from our joint account goes. He's refused on the basis that this is invading his privacy and he gives me high level breakdowns which should be good enough" ... there would be a chorus of "he's hiding something".

I do think that breakdowns are not always good enough if you're trying to work out where the money goes/save money. If you (say) spend £100 on food it's helpful to know whether this is £100 from Waitrose or £100 from Aldi.

It’s not unreasonable to have transparency for joint bills/shopping but your private spending should be private.

I don’t understand why you’re using personal credit card for joint spending though. Either get a joint one to keep it separate or use joint current account.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to see where your money is being spent.

Just print and file like him instead of fannying around with a breakdown. He might be wanting to see where the family can save money or something.

I wouldn't like this either. He's basically accusing you of either deliberately lying about what you're spending, or being too incompetent to add it up properly. Neither scenario shows you any respect.

I also would suggest that you change the way this works - either stop using the credit card for your personal spending (but you'd lose the points, I get that) or try the joint credit card approach for all household style spending, so he can bloody well SEE how much you spend for himself on food, kids' clothes etc.
And keep your private spending private - you're allowed to do that.

I am also a SAHM, since we moved to Australia and I gave up my self-employed business in the UK. DH and I have a joint account and a joint credit card, so he can see what is spent on that if he cares to look. But this still left me with no privacy to spend on e.g. presents, as you've said. So I asked for my own savings account, and he puts money into that every month - that is then mine to spend on what I want to. It also now contains money from my mother's Will. If DH asked to see the statements on that account I'd be highly resistant to showing him because he has no need to know - I'd want to know why he wanted to see them and it would have to be a bloody good reason (I can't even think of one right now) for me to agree.
Having an element of financial privacy is not, I believe, unreasonable. Hiding money away and lying about it is another matter - THAT would be unreasonable - but being able to spend without scrutiny, when money isn't an issue, seems important to me.

He is accusing you of lying. He doesn't deserve a nice Christmas surprise. Throw the statements at him and tell him to apologise when he discovers you can still count, even though you are a SAHM.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad'S post has summed up how I feel about this really. It's just pissed me off. Maybe I'm just being a bit over sensitive- it's been a tough week as we've had a death in the close family and I've been running around trying to prop up other family members while helping organise things and do everything normal at home all while being quite sad. So it's probably just me being a bit UR to be annoyed and he could maybe have picked a better time to go on about this!

He is accusing you of lying. He doesn't deserve a nice Christmas surprise. Throw the statements at him and tell him to apologise when he discovers you can still count

ElBandito has hit the nail on the head with this well-kept secret as to how to achieve a happy relationship.

I think if you reversed it then you'd definitely be called unreasonable.

My DH is currently a SAHP whilst i earn all the cash. We have a shared joint account which we pay our credit cards off with. Whilst I file my statements away where he can easily access them and see what our joint money is being spent on he won't. Instead he writes out a breakdown what he says he is spending the money on and then sends me this. AIBU to want a bit more transparency and find it odd he is being so secretive with his accounts?

I think if anyone posted that you'd get immediate shouts of red flag and probably affair too!

I get the points above but he could have done better. If he wants more financial transparency, perhaps because he find the pressure of being the sole wage earner higher than he thought it would be, then he says that and asks nicely.
Instead he's waited until the OP is a SAHM and reeling from a bereavement and effectively told her she's either lying or lost the ability to count.

As the main wage earner, I would want to have access to a breakdown of the joint expenditure that was occurring. To be honest, even if I wasn’t I would want to be able to see what was being spent where.

It doesn’t sound like he wants access to your personal spending, which I agree would be unreasonable, but the joint spends should be accessible by both parties.

The fact your using your personal savings to fund things while your not working says a lot him. He's extremely controlling and in no way would I be showing him anything

Also get married it doesn't need to be a wedding that can be done later. But either get back to work asap or get legally married, before he fucks you over

No, were not married. Not sure why that's relevant? I'm sufficiently financially protected, the house is equally owned with lots of equity in it, we have wills, life insurance, income protection (his) and critical illness cover for each other, I'm named as the sole recipient of his pension and in work death benefits should the worst happen etc

It’s relevant because, if you split up, you will long longer be in his will, entitled to death benefit, his pension, or insurance/assurance policy.

An unmarried SAHP with no income of their own is in a vulnerable position.

confusedlittleone The OP's "personal savings" are because she and her DH divide the money that is left after bills. i.e. it originates from money that DH has earnt. I struggle to see how that is any way controlling.

It’s relevant because, if you split up, you will long longer be in his will, entitled to death benefit, his pension, or insurance/assurance policy.

This is true - however if we split up I'd have half of our house money which would be more than enough for a hefty deposit and I'd be able to obtain a mortgage to buy a smaller house on my own with DS. My day job is financial services I'm well versed in mortgages, consumer credit etc. I would also just go back to work - yes I'd have to put DS in nursery until he goes to school and no longer be a SAHM but financially I'd be fine. My occupation is well paid. I do also have my own substantial pension (which we continue to pay into despite me not working atm) and savings. He is not the only one with decent earning potential, I could support us just fine on my own if I needed to. Plus on his earnings the maintenance he'd have to pay me would be a fair whack too.

I'm not daft.

We've been together a long time, and generally have a good relationship- it's unlikely that we will split up. But I'd manage if we did.

Yes, the personal money I use to fund 'my' things come from our joint account. We each have a set amount each month from his salary as 'our money' to spend as we wish.

Do you normally exchange presents? If you do, then just tell him he'll have to wait or that you'll scribble out some transactions (no peeking ).

I don't like the 'I earn the money so I want full disclosure' thing that some PP have suggested, it's usually family money.

I think that your DP has picked a really bad time, but maybe is concerned about Christmas and all the expenses or something?

I think you're the unreasonable one, OP and also being rather manipulative and trying to gaslight him.

I send OH an email with a detailed breakdown of the joint bill
So you expect him to pay without question or inquiry?
How dictatorial and controlling are you?

he's been saying he wants to see and go through my statements. I've said no........It is joint money
If it's 'joint money' then have no right to say 'no'.

Why shouldn't he be allowed to see exactly where his money's going or how much he is personally responsible for?
He's not complaining about paying it....he just wants the transparency (which he willingly provides) - that is normal and he has every right.

We each have a set amount each month into individual accounts to spend as we wish he's not interested in what I spend that on
So he's not acting in a 'controlling' manner because he's NOT INTERESTED in your private spending - only in transparency for the joint bills.

Stop trying to gaslight him by saying It's just the principle of it that's annoying me, I've told him it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me .....especially when you're the one changing the rules of your set-up without discussion/his agreement - My private spending goes on that card too
It's your behavior that is questionable - not his.

You agreed on separate accounts for private/joint spends to clarify boundaries but you are deliberately are not sticking to that

You can make all the excuses you like about 'getting points/cashback'.....but that doesn't make it right nor fair (especially when the only person who benefits from that is you )

You're financially savvy enough to ensure you don't get taken advantage of, but i think you're also clever enough to know how to manipulate the situation to suit your own agenda/benefit.

He's expected to be transparent and trust you - but you refuse to do the same in return - double standards much?

I too think he's completely reasonable.

I also think given you are not married you are not being unreasonable to refuse. It would end a relationship for me though.

If you are married he absolutely must be allowed to see any cc in his or your name and vice versa. Given in a divorce he can end up liability for your debts and vice versa it's absolutely essential that you both know both of your incomes, expenditures and liabilities. If you intend on ever being married in wouldn't have any objections to his asking.

I don’t know what has prompted his change of opinion but your way of compiling breakdowns and transferring money just appears unnecessarily complicated. You can maintain your privacy by just using your account for personal spends.

At present his way of doing things is more transparent and yours isn’t and personally I would question why, especially when your method requires more work. Why is printing off a statement once a month better or more convenient than compiling a written breakdown?

As annoyed as you are by his apparent lack of trust in you, ask yourself how your lack of transparency impacts him?

At pre

He is being reasonable. He wants to see the joint spending, not the personal spending. It would be controlling and weird to prevent him from looking at the bills that are part of his own household spending.

If you want privacy, use separate means of payment in future. In the meantime, it's not hugely difficult to show him a credit card bill with any confidential items concealed. (How many Christmas presents can there be to cross out?)

The fact your using your personal savings to fund things while your not working says a lot him. He's extremely controlling and in no way would I be showing him anything

Oh my life! If this was a man refusing his partner access to their JOINT SPENDING information, he would be accused of all sorts. The OP has already said she is using her money to replace the personal spending she does with the joint account to get points.

I think it's a legitimate request, you are both entitled access to the statements for all household & family spending and bills.

If he is somewhat out of touch with what things cost, and is concerned you aren't spending wisely etc. Having access to the statements will prove him wrong.

I can't understand why you aren't printing statements out (blanking out any presents bought obviously) and providing him with them immediately as proof that you are spending what you say you are.