AIBU to expect my family to donate/help

[namechangefriday]

I am totally prepared to be told IABU but I suspect I'm not..

I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in October 16. You probably know there is no stage 5. No family history, no increased 'risks' and no reason for me to ever worry I'd be the one to get it .. I'm over all those things now but obviously it's been a devastating year.

From the outset my mother said 'breast cancer is easy to get over' and pretty much refused to discuss it. Offered no support other than a few bits of childcare that to be honest was more trouble than it was worth.
Not known for her ability to be a decent person I was not surprised at her inability to actually reach out to me. I'm the youngest of 3, she was a single parent at a time when single parents didn't get the support they do now. She was bored of being a parent by the time I needed her. My childhood was pretty uneventful other than she ignored me frequently if she felt I'd done wrong. Often I wasn't sure what I had done and would endure days of living in a house being blanked until she got over it.
I have 2 older , half brothers from her marriage that failed before I came along.
Not one person in my family has been any support to me during this year of hell. I too am a single parent of 3. I love my children, I would never treat them the way I was treated as a child.

It became apparent early on that the NHS options for me are only palliative and that was a horrific realisation.
I started researching other overseas options and I found a clinic that has great results, I have managed to cash in insurances and pensions to enable me to have 3 rounds of treatment there. I need many more. I need more money than I have got.
I have a funding page, a great team of fundraising friends and my ex is doing what he can to help me. My family have been nowhere to be seen since February time when I realised I wasn't getting any support so I just took a step back
Fast forward to now. They know I'm fundraising, they have not offered to help. Between them they could easily afford to help me but apparently there is no 'f-ing money tree' for me.
I'm so hurt that they will just let me die. If it was them I would've done anything to help.

AIBU to hate that my only chance of survival is to beg strangers and to be bitter that my own family have yet again proven themselves to be just arseholes. I understand I can't make them help me but this is literally life or death.
I just am so tired of worrying how I'm going to find the money when I know they could help.

Fed up and scared. Anyone got any fundraising ideas or winning lottery numbers?

Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest ☹️

So sorry friday I have no pearls of wisdom, but please learn on your friends and concentrate on your DC.

Your family sound bloody atrocious.

Beysayan it is truthful as it's just standard treatments I can't access here as it's not considered for metastatic patients. It's nothing magic nor does it involve miracles but treatments abroad are so much more progressive than here. They don't write you off like they do here.
I've met many people having it, many English people in the same boat.

I'm very well read and up to date on trial availability and have participated in one but anything available now is in my opinion too risky for me as I don't have widespread cancer, I have a locally advanced tumour and lymph nodes only.
I appreciate your help but I assure you I study constantly right now. I've read more pubmed articles in the last year than anything and I've reached out to many people via various means to ensure this is the right treatment for me.
I'm just really quite sad that my family refuse to support me and embarrassed when my local radio station or newspapers ask me what my family are doing and I have to say nothing. If it were my child I would sell the clothes on my back not look the other way and say oh well..

Sorry to hear this. Sometimes family are well just shit. Yes sometimes the NHS first option is just plain wrong. 20 years ago my dad was basically told to go home and enjoy the time he had left. We pushed and pushed to get in a trial and 20 years later he has witnessed the weddings of his kids, seen his grandchildren born and grow up. When ur in that position you’ll give anything a go. Good luck - cancer has a strange effect on some people, I’m sure they think it’s catching. A diagnosis certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff regarding those around you.

Im so sorry this has happened to you,
my mother also had this stage 4 with all lympnodes! given possible 2 months without and maybe a year with treatment... why are they not nuking you?
you need to be demanding (and im sorry for this, but this is what our docs called it and its not a nice name) "red death" or '5 foot under" chemo? you need to be demanding they review your case and give you a good nuke dose of chemo and follow it up with radio! ( have they removed your breast/s ? or lumps? )
We were offered a place on a experimental treatment which we declined as we couldn't be sure she was in the treatment group and with a possible 2 months it was too big a risk, but it was experimenting giving stage 4's bone marrow type treatments, stripping all immune systems and giving hard hitting doses after that, not sure what became of that experiment but its worth asking your oncologist about.
Start making noise and asking why not if you have a possible 2 years to fight why are they not pulling out all the stops! be loud be demanding! if they want to shut you up they need to try!

Are you not prepared to share what this treatment is?

No yanbu. However it seems you need to keep all energy and focus on getting better and not on this crappy 'family' that clearly don't give a crap. I am so sorry

It might sound silly but you said your mother seem to think breast cancer is easy to overcome. Is your family absolutely aware now that there is no treatment left for you in the UK and that this treatment is your only chance or that otherwise you will die? I am guessing they are aware and are as crap as your OP suggest. I just fail to understand how parents /siblings could be so cruel. I have a quite bad relationship with mine but I am pretty sure even they would move heaven on earth if I was in your shoes as I would for them. I am so sorry you have been dealt with a shitty family and hope you manage to find the money. If you ever happen to feel confortable sharing your fundraising I would gladly make a donation. Stay strong OP and wishing you the very best!

I'm very well read and up to date on trial availability and have participated in one but anything available now is in my opinion too risky for me as I don't have widespread cancer, I have a locally advanced tumour and lymph nodes only.

I’d have a chat with your doctor so you’re clear about what’s happening in your body. For you to have been diagnosed with stage IV cancer you must have distant lymph nodes involved. It is widespread.

So sorry you’re in this situation and things are difficult with your family.

It's neck lymphs and collarbone. No major organs and a 3cm breast lump that after one round of treatment can no longer be felt .. hardly widespread.. inoperable though and when I asked about radiotherapy I was told as it's not curative I can't have it.

I'm not withholding info, the treatment abroad is a chemotherapy not licensed for breast cancer in this country, I applied on compassionate grounds and my oncologist refused. The only other difference is that while abroad I'm getting the chemo but also other 'alternative ' treatments such as IV vitamins , oxygen ,heat and diet analysis.

Yes my family know the reality of my diagnosis. I have now given permission for my ex to move the children out of this country if and when I die and all paperwork is in place to prevent my family attempting to challenge him or see the children.

I'm glad IANBU and I'm lucky my ex was prepared to give me his lifesavings for the first 3 rounds but who knows how I'm going to find the rest.. either way I now consider myself to have no family. That's sad.

Can you not see another oncologist - different treatment centre? I don't know much about cancer but lost both my mother and sister to (different) cancers in the last year. Both were told it was incurable but both were offered ongoing treatment to extend live/quality of live. I know you said you'd reached out to others to check this was the right treatment for you - and great if you can get this treatment abroad but to my (inexperienced) mind it doesn't sound like you're getting the best treatment here (which presumably you'll still need even if you're able to access treatment abroad too?)

Namechange. Oncology nurse here. When you say collarbone do you mean there are actually metastases in your collarbone or in the lymph nodes by it? If lymph nodes then from what you say, I don't know why you've been told stage 4 as imo your cancer is stage 3. In any event it doesn't sound to me as if you are getting the best advice and treatment available so before you go abroad and spend thousands I really do think you should consult with a different oncologist here. I see my patients accessing a whole range of treatments and what you've been told sounds a bit strange.

That's very sad that they are unwilling to help.

When did they all start to distance themselves? Before or after you became ill?

Your ex sounds amazing, what a wonderful man to share your children with.

I would urge you to write a heartfelt letter to your family members, you have everything to gain.

I'm going through breast cancer treatment now, I agree with Alexa the onco nurse. Your level of care seems appalling. Get a second and third and even a forth opinion if you have other cancer centres near you. As for your family, it breaks my heart they are treating you like this, it's probably best to accept they've switched off emotionally from you and your cancer. I'm the youngest of three too and my siblings are rarely seen or heard of anymore! You're lucky to have great xh and friends. Good luck x

Please pm me ur link so i can donate, i hav been where you are and reading about you hit home. Sending you love and the strenth to fight this for yourself and your children xx

Morning everyone. We just wanted to pop by again with our usual warning to bear in mind that, particularly at this time of year, not everyone is who they say they are on the internet. Since no one can be sure, it's best to avoid giving money or goods to strangers.

We can see that NamechangeFriday hasn't given out any fundraising details and that this thread was originally only about her family's response to her illness and getting new fundraising ideas.

She's said herself on the thread that she doesn't want any type of donations through Mumsnet - only advice - so we think it best if we all respect that and return to the original question in her OP.

Best of luck with it all, Namechange.