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No money. Mess everywhere. Depressed

79 replies

notcopingbugger · 17/11/2017 19:54

Trying to pull myself together

Our home is in such a state I won't let anybody in or open the door properly

Even if it was tidy I can't afford to decorate it and no energy

I'm overweight and overwhelmed and comfort myself binge eating into an early grave

My health is awful. My home is awful. I'm crap at relationships and unemployed currently

Need help pulling myself up and together. Motivate me please. I want to run away but I can't

OP posts:
HermionesRightHook · 17/11/2017 20:33

Oh and this is quite good: www.amazon.co.uk/Procrastination-Equation-Putting-Things-Getting/dp/027372326X?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Though I have only read about a third of it because I got it out of the library Some Time ago and, well. You see the problem.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/11/2017 20:33

I'm so sorry to hear you feel so down. It sounds to me that you have many cares and woes piling in on you at once which is difficult for anyone and there's also the historical thing, so please stop telling yourself that you are lazy etc and start being a bit kinder to yourself. You are in a low point and you are making the first step at digging yourself out. There's some very very good advice in these posts about taking babysteps (yes ex-flylady and it really helped me!) to sort yourself out. Particularly about sleep. It's a really good idea to just try one thing a day and not stress about doing everything all at once eg like having a nice shower and getting dressed.. and then next day try to add on another task, like getting a bin liner and chucking away any rubbish in one room. It's very hard when you don't have the money to spend on doing up the house, but a good declutter will make you feel better. I found it very hard to chuck out the kids' stuff because I was sentimental about it, but in the end they needed space for their current lives. It may sound mad that everyone is suggesting tidying up, but when youre feeling crap, it really does help. Also, getting out for a short walk in the fresh air. Make a promise to do one or two small nice things for yourself tomorrow. Best of luck and remember be kind to yourselfx

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 17/11/2017 20:35

Have you thought about seeing your GP & having some blood tests done? You may be very iron deficient & /or Vitamin D deficient. This will affect your energy levels, get up & go, motivation & immune system.

SulkyPuddleDuck · 17/11/2017 20:36

OP I feel for you massively and, selfishly, it's because I totally relate. My house is a total state and I know full well that when I'm depressed and miserable I feel so lacking in energy. I can't fully articulate to you how much your post resonates with me (possibly because I'm rather self medicating with wine!) But I get it. And if you're in a mess then so am I and at least it's not just us!

RiverRose · 17/11/2017 20:38

Choose a small room first, like the bathroom. Clean it up, you don't need fancy cleaning agents just cheap bleach and toilet roll/old t-shirt.

Put all rubbish outside in bins immediately/take it to a tip if you can. Even stuff that isn't rubbish - take the contents down to bare minimum, it's easier that way to clean again later on.

One room at a time, rubbish out, throw out everything you do not need, all knickknacks that just get in the way cluttering up surfaces, window sills, cabinets etc. It's hard to do, but it really does make cleaning up easier in the long run. You don't need that stuff.

Soiled carpet? Throw it out, better with clean floorboards than carpet that will just bring you down and make you feel bad. You can buy a super cheap carpet down the line and it will still feel glorious and lovely.

Decorate? Don't worry about it, don't think about it. Declutter and clean, that will change the look of your house immediately and you will feel better.

I feel for you, it's such a vicious cycle - you sit there and feel down and powerless with no energy to clean, but the sheer amount of cleaning makes you feel down and powerless.

You might find that once the house is tidy/clean (doesn't have to be perfect show home remember!) that you gain more energy just because you're feeling less upset by it.

It doesn't have to be this way forever, I promise. You're not doomed to live like this always, trust me.

baffledcoconut · 17/11/2017 20:38

I set myself small goals. Binning 10 things. Putting 10 things away. Clean one shelf of the fridge... that sort of thing.

notcopingbugger · 17/11/2017 20:50

Tonight I have cleaned the kitchen worktops, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the toilet, organised washing into piles and put bins out and hoovered around remaining mess.

And I'm still overwhelmed by how shit and embarrassing the place is.

And we ate yet another McDonald's for tea.

I just daydream that someone will swoop into my life and fix it all so I have a fresh start. They won't. It's up to me. And I can't get there ever.

I did kondo a few years ago. It was great. Then it went to pot again

OP posts:
DoubleNegativePanda · 17/11/2017 20:52

I've been in your shoes, it's a cycle I've trod several times. Most recently come out of it again in July. Literally couldn't let anyone in the house. Wouldn't even open the door because it smelled. Came home from a trip to find my air conditioning broken and the combination of mess and heat (it was 110F) broke me. I called my best friend in tears and confessed I'd fallen down the rabbit hole again. Two days later she was at my house helping me dig out. We took bags and bags and bags of rubbish away. It was horrible, but I know she loves me anyway and she now checks up on me to make sure I've haven't started sliding backwards again. My home is not perfect now. My bedroom is a shambles and the floor needs scrubbing. There are dark corners that I'm avoiding...but I can open the door, and I can let a friend in to use the bathroom. I'm going out of town for a couple of days next week (thanksgiving holidays here) and I'm sure you will understand the massive significance of how far I've come in that I've asked a neighbor to let herself in to care for my cats. If I, a morbidly obese semi-hermit, can get to this place, so can you. I know you can.

Do you have a friend of family member that can support you in this way? I know at least for myself, it's a mental health issue and not simply laziness. I understand that it's easy to say "baby steps" and "start small" but when you're looking at a mess the size that mine was it's utterly overwhelming and feels impossible to start. Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand and say "this fucking sucks, but we're going to do it together". If you don't have that person in real life, I'm more than willing to hold your hand via whatsapp. You and I deserve more than to live in squalor.

knittingwithnettles · 17/11/2017 20:54

It is fine to have McDonald's for tea, and lots of instant meals whilst you sort out the organising bit of the housework and your health. You cannot do everything at once.

I second the poster who mentioned iron deficiency and Vitamin D. Please get a bloodtest from GP. Your vitamin D or your thyroid could be very much affecting your ability to get anything done, especially if you have been stuck indoors for a lot of the summer, and not revealing much flesh? Do not blame yourself for not getting things done, it could easily be a physiological problem that is affecting your physical energy levels and your mental health. [I was hypothyroid and vitamin d deficient for a long time before I realised what was going on]

DoubleNegativePanda · 17/11/2017 20:57

And if you have children, especially older than five or so, there is absolutely no reason they shouldn't be as responsible for the keeping of the house as well. I grew up with a parent who hoards and doesn't keep house, and I became a shit housekeeper with hoarding tendencies. I am determined to teach my dd better than this. She needs to clean too. Plus, I need help! I'm only one person.

Don't beat yourself up about having fed them McDonalds. They ate, so for today consider that a success. It sounds like you worked very hard today, so I don't blame you for not wanting to cook on top of it!

knittingwithnettles · 17/11/2017 20:58

Kondo is also a perfectionist regime, reading her can make you feel like a failure all over again. Some people can live with a modicum of clutter and in acceptably shabby surroundings and it is not perfect but it is still a whole lot better than squalor, accepting second best can be the first step to doing a little bit. We've had a nice supper here, but the worktops are not scrubbed, but the dishwasher is ON, and I took the compost out..certainly better than doing nothing. So you have made a very good start with the hoovering and the worktops Thanks

NameChanger22 · 17/11/2017 20:59

You will get a big sense of achievement if you just tackle one room this weekend. Then you'll have a retreat from the rest of the mess. After that have a few days off and tackle the rest of it when you feel ready.

Throw out anything ugly, dirty or broken. Organise like with like so you can find everything. Have pride in what you manage to achieve, even if its just one shelf.

I wish I could pop round with a black bin bag and a tin of paint. I love organising and decorating.

As for the overeating - I wish I could help you, but I'm prone to that myself. Food is too nice. Maybe try sticking to 3 good meals per day, no snacks (easier said than done). Make half of what you eat fruit and veg.

Eolian · 17/11/2017 20:59

I just daydream that someone will swoop into my life and fix it all so I have a fresh start.

But you are fixing it. Every little bit you do makes a difference. Every time you tidy a room up or prepare a healthy meal, that makes a difference! Use each success as a boost. One baby step at a time.

valuerangeweetabixandmilk · 17/11/2017 21:00

Hey.
You sound really down. Id be your friend and come round. I would never judge you for your home as it would be you i came for. Id help you clean. Ask for help. It will get easier if you do x

Autumnskiesarelovely · 17/11/2017 21:06

I think it’s just doing one room right now. You won’t feel like it. You’ll want to stop and watch tv. But just do it.

Next day... same...

Ignore your feelings and ignore your lack of motivation. Ignore your thoughts. Don’t wait for energy and positivity before you start.

Keep going every day. One day, might take weeks, you’ll start to feel a sneaking pride and resilience creep in. Trust me!

deste · 17/11/2017 21:14

That is a great start, one thing I always say to people is not to recycle untill you have sorted out the mess.

Just think about Christmas and you will want your decorations and tree up so for now that should be your aim. Don’t even consider doing any of that with clutter lying around. Once you get used to keeping the house tidy you can then think about decorating.

Keep going you are doing fine. Get a slow cooker, bung everything in the pot and leave it. Job done.

Sara107 · 17/11/2017 21:22

Op, do you have enough money to get a cleaner, either regularly or just for a one off few hours to kick start you? I was very overwhelmed and really hated coming home to such a dirty messy house. Really unhomely. I found a cleaner who was happy to deal with mess and charges £10 an hour. I'm having 2 hours per week as money isn't the main problem for me. She tidies things into stacks and cleans in between and even the first session made a big difference. I think what makes the big difference for me is not even the cleaning, but the feeling of being supported and knowing it's not all down to me any more. It has really helped so much. If a paid cleaner isn't an option at all, do you know anybody who would come in and help you for a few hours to get started?

deste · 17/11/2017 21:33

I’ve just re read your post. If you can’t open the door properly then get started on that, clear the hallway. If it’s shoes and stuff, look through them and throw out what is not worn. Throw everything into bin liners and put them out the door. It always gets worse before it gets better.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 17/11/2017 21:38

Lots of good advice here OP. You aren’t lazy or shit. You’re ill. That’s depression. It’s an illness. And a fucking bastard of an illness too because it’s sneaky. It sneaks up on you and before you know it you can’t make yourself a bowl of Cheerios for fuck knows what reason because you can’t pinpoint it. It sucks the big one.

One thing that is really important is to get out of the house every single day. Even if it’s just ten minutes in the front garden watching traffic go past. Get out there. Just get out of the house. The house is weighing you down right now, it’s not a pleasant place to be for you, you need a break from it. Every day. You are entitled to a break from it. Make sure you get it. It really helps.

Carouselfish · 17/11/2017 21:39

OP. I am you.
I really think I'm going to try the sleep thing.
My GPs are shit.
If you ever fancy a co-dependent complain, PM me.

DogMa1 · 17/11/2017 21:52

You sound as if you've Had Enough. I'm there too. Got the mess, lousy eating habits etc, etc and I'm in a long drawn out battle with the DWP. I've done it before so I know we can both get out of this. Eating properly, sleeping properly etc help a lot. I find it helps to have a routine and even a housework timetable ie Monday Bathroom, Tuesday hoover, Wednesday dust. It's not easy, there will be set backs but babysteps and I'll get there and so will you!

Bunkai · 17/11/2017 21:53

I found trying to focus on one room overwhelming so I throw 3 things out between the time I arrive back home to when I leave.

Doesn't matter which room those 3 things come from.

I find this much less pressure than focusing on one area only and I found I actually look forward to it. Gave a bin bag of kids toys to a colleague today and tonight I've got a bag of Christmas ornaments to go to the charity shop.

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 17/11/2017 21:55

Oh, I've been here. I was raised in a house like this and it sometimes manifests itself in my "grown up" life too. Probably once every couple of years I look round and realise my house and my life are a mess. But it can be fixed! Everything can be fixed.
You are worth more than this. And you can do it!
My first tip is to buy some multivitamins (i find ones with iron are best, don't have to be expensive brands), and take one with a big glass of water before bed. Then lights off, screens off, and bed. Just rest even if you can't sleep.
My best trick for sorting my house out is music. Download or dig out cds of the cheesiest, happiest, danciest music you can find (or whatever makes you smile). Then do jobs for one song. Sing and do the dishes, dance and wash windows, anything. Then you can have a sit down if you want. But make it your goal to do three songs a day. You'd be amazed how many times you just get caught up and carry on, but if you don't, it doesn't matter, you've still achieved something!
deste makes a great point about starting at the front door. I actually start outside and weed the path up to my house first! Go with first impressions... Tidy hall, hoover stairs, bleach the downstairs loo... When you come home to a clean space it will spur you on to do more.
And I agree with everyone who said about self care. Shower first thing, and make your bed so you can't get straight back in. Get out if you can, your body and your mind will appreciate fresh air and exercise.
Oh, and be honest with your GP. They can't help you unless they know what they're dealing with.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 17/11/2017 22:03

Btw, you will amaze yourself in what you can get done in the time it takes the kettle to boil. Or the ad breaks during a programme. DC brushing their teeth? Flash wipe round the loo and basin. Voila! Bathroom done! Grin

sickandtiredofbeing · 17/11/2017 22:10

OwlinaTree yes to tackling one room at a time. I am a great believer in doing a thing at a time.

notcopingbugger My social worker and CPN have advised that I do 10 mins per day of tidying my flat or washing dishes or vaccuming, provided my pain condition allows for it, as a way of helping my mental health.

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