When is it OK for people to body shame my child?

[Glitterbug83]

I am absolutely furious. A while ago, my sister in law came over to visit. She said my 1 year old daughter looked "so skinny". I replied "she's healthy thank you" to which she said she likes babies/kids to be plump. I left it there.

Today, the same sister in law came over and said my daughter looks so skinny. I challenged her on it. I said I don't appreciate people commenting on my child's appearance when I know she's healthy as I don't want her developing a complex. She said she won't develop a complex and walked off in a huff. GRRRRRRRR. Mama bear is on the prowl now! If you've got nothing positive to say about someone's child, don't bloody say it.

Since when has it been okay to comment on a baby's physical appearance like this? For the record, she is actually not skinny and is on the 50th centile.

I reckon your SIL struggles to find something to talk about with you so blurted out the 1st thing she could think of.

OK, agreed, it's not body shaming for as long as she's oblivious. But at what age do children become aware of comments about their appearance? I've met so many young girls who are so unhappy with their appearance I guess I just don't want that for my babe. I have never commented that a baby or child or anyone is too fat/skinny because I don't see it as a positive comment at all?

AnyFucker, you're probably right

YABU to not address the mamma bear. I think that's more of an issue than your daughter being called skinny.

Mama bear is on the prowl sounds like a line from a 70s porn film.

YANBU. My MIL comments to my 18 month old that she'll get 'fat' if she eats so much. My grandmother used to call me her 'little pudding' and other references to being chubby when I would've been about 4- and I definitely remember this affecting my self esteem and making me feel awful! I don't think people realise that children absorb a lot of what is said around them! The fact I still think of it now shows that.

I've met so many young girls who are so unhappy with their appearance I guess I just don't want that for my babe.

It's part of human nature. Everyone at some point in their lives have wished they could be taller/smaller/fatter/thinner etc...

The important thing is teaching her how to deal with those feelings, and taking such minor comments to heart on her behalf, really will not help her.

But she's not skinny!! I imagine it would wash over her if she understood. I am skinny and if someone called me skinny I would feel a bit attacked if not said nicely but if someone called me fat I would think it hilarious and/or ignore because it's clearly not in the least relevant. There is no body shaming in this.

Heck neck, you're probably right. I'll chill out about it a bit more and maybe say what I need to more jokingly. Thanks everyone. Ultimately I can't protect my baby from everything because life will happen

I have never commented that a baby or child or anyone is too fat/skinny because I don't see it as a positive comment at all?

What exactly DO you talk about in reference to a one year old if not commenting on their cuteness/appearance/clothes?

You're not exactly going to be sitting there talking about their sparkling conversation skills, charitable works, witty repartee, scholastic/professional achievements or even what they think about this year's line up in Strictly Come Dancing.

I'll have to change my user name

Body shaming is a bit strong at a year old OP! Stop worrying! I've got a skinny one and a chunky one. Neither are off the percentile charts so that's obviously not true chunky/skinny but as they're 1 and 2, I really don't see this as an issue.

OP, I think by getting het up over it, you're making more of an issue for your daughter to pick up on. I'd breezily say, well, she's an active little thing and she's healthy for her age. But it's too late to do that. I doubt sil will mention it again now.
Why bother cringing over OP's word choices on a site which is built on twee abbreviations? A lot of electronic anonymous imaginary trend-decreeing going on. Cliquey invisible lot.

😂😂😂 @ “mama bear is on the prowl!”

Is that you declaring war?

Body shaming? For fucks sake, what the actual fuck does that even mean to a baby? Stop with this shit speak on Mumsnet, it's awful and makes you sound utterly ridiculous. It's just a fashion term that's grown in popularity, and therefore people who use it think it makes them sound all 'right on'. Just stop it.

Ps. Give your cub some salmon or trout to put some winter fat on for hibernation

I get loads of comments about my 1 year old and the fact he’s tiny (which he is), it’s not done maliciously it’s a fairly standard comment, just like when I see my friend with her Baby and say something about her sons tubby cheeks etc.

I don’t think your one year old will develop a complex.

By far the biggest influence on your daughter’s self image will be you and your DH.

As long as you demonstrate healthy, positive attitudes to diet, exercise and body image she should be fine.

I find the best way to respond to these types of comments is with a really positive response.

“She's skinny”

she’s perfect

“I like plump babies”

“that’s nice”

Your baby is one. She doesn't care. Its your issue

I was a bit sensitive about people calling my baby skinny because he really was and I felt terrible that I couldn’t get his weight up. He was 0.04th centile.

I remember someone at a baby group saying to me “Why is he so small” and I just burst into tears. Which was ridiculous of me but there you go.

Anyway sorry that was all a bit irrelevant. I suppose I just can’t really imagine that it would bother me if he’d been 50th centile. That’s not skinny at all so I’d just think it was a bit bonkers.

Are you American OP?
This is all part & parcel of life-your job is to teach her not to give a fuck about weight/appearance comments.

The comments I get about my twins you wouldn't believe. Too small, too thin, head too big.

The worst was my little twin is on a drug that causes excess hair growth - when he was very little he had a lot of hair on his forehead. I spent five months being told he looked like a werewolf or an animal any time I took him out or showed anyone a picture. I'll take the skinny comments to be honest!

Oh, and the comments about their feeding tubes when they were small used to really wind me up.

I would tell SIL to bog off but would not let this affect me.

It pisses me off because people seem obessed with babies weight gain and them being fat and chubby, like it’s the best thing ever. And judge you for having a skinny child as if you aren’t feeding it, or aren’t capable of providing adequate nutrition. Kids are praised for being “good eaters”

Then somewhere along the line there’s a switch and skinny becomes the ideal, especially with girls. Nobody wants a fat teenager. And you get judged for letting them get like that and not being able to provide a healthy diet. Kids are scolded for being “greedy”.

My mum was always commenting around us. I was referred to fondly, but negatively, as a “baby elephant” and “puppy fat”, while my sister was praised for barely eating and being “so thin”. Btw i was dancing 15 hours a week and wasn’t remotely fat, just muscly, but this was in the 70’s when you couldn’t be too thin.

I have major body and eating issues from these sorts of comments as a child. I will always have a mental image of myself and the chubby little friend amongst the willowy norm.

I've met so many young girls who are so unhappy with their appearance I guess I just don't want that for my babe

Then you need to chill out and stop with this "bodyshaming" bollocks. It's you that will give her a complex if you get so wildly outraged by perfectly usual comments about nothing much.

I'm dying of cringe