To have told my dad about pregnancy before DH

[Eilasor]

I know I am.

There was a family emergency yesterday, which resulted in me spending 6 hours alone with my dad in the car. I had taken a test in the morning before the phone call and didn't tell DH before I left to see family. I ended up telling my dad that I'm pregnant and talking about my feelings towards it with him.

I'm quite conflicted about the pregnancy, DH and I were ttc at the beginning of the year, but stopped as I was finding it too stressful and wanted to progress my career. DH wasn't overly happy as he was anxious for another child. I started my new job at the end of August (my first in my field post-degree), it's been going very well.

It isn't that I don't want to be pregnant, I want another child and I know my husband will be happy. I just needed some time to sort my head and understand before I told DH and had to be overwhelmingly happy with him right away.

I'm writing this to justify myself, but I know I'm wrong and can take my ass being handed to me.

Hummm, tricky one. I can see why you told your dad given the circumstances, but yes, if this was my dh he'd be upset that he wasn't the first to know - and that I made a choice (at some level) to talk first to someone else about my worries rather than him. Your body and all that - but in a loving relationship I'd expect a partner to be the first person one talked to about a pregnancy/family change of this type.

I think I would go with discretion (aka lying) here. Can your dad be trusted not to mention he knew first? Or can he be briefed? If so, I would wait until your are ready to tell dh, talk to him, then reveal to your parents. I can't see any good will come of being honest, and it could upset your dh and muddy the waters around other stuff you clearly have going on.

You needed someone to talk to and that person was your Dad. I'd agree if you'd been making celebratory announcements to people before telling DH that it might be misguided, but that's not what this was. You're obviously conflicted about your feelings, and if you think your DH will be thrilled, then talking to him about it might make things more confusing for you, which I'm guessing is partly why you still haven't told him.

I think you need to stop feeling guilty that you don't feel the way you think you should, accept that you needed some support, which I hope you got from your dad, and when you tell your DH, I personally wouldn't feel the need to apologise, or tell him that your dad already knows.

Ahh, that's good. I wrote congratulations, then deleted it in case it felt wrong. I'm sure everything will shake out fine and all the best for a smooth pregnancy and return to work!!

Congratulations Eilasor
I am sure that if DH is going to be so happy, it won't matter that you told DF first.
Don't give it another thought. I hope it all works out for you

Congratulations I'm sure it will all work out for you, and dh will be delighted anyway.
Lovely that you have such a good relationship with your dad.
It's no big deal, it's all good

Buy him a present with tiny little booties in it, he'll love that. Congratulations and don't worry you can go on maternity leave and return back to your job. Lots of women do it.

You told your dad not a random at the bus stop. It seems sensible to talk to someone you trust about your ambivalent feelings and then be able to be super positive with DH. I suspect some men would care and some men wouldn't, you k ow your DH best. Hopefully he will just focus on being happy.

My dp always knows when I'm pregnant he notices how calm I become. Pregnancy really suits me. If your dh is anything like my dp then I bet he has an inkling that you are pregnant.

I don't see it as a huge issue or betrayal. You're going to talk to dh later.

I'm not sure why everything these days has to be so built up and treasured as a Memory..announcing the pregnancy, revealing the gender/sex, announcing the name etc.

I told my mum first and my sister I think. It wasn't an issue with dh. He was at work and I told him when he got home.

I personally don't see why it matters.

Well congratulations on your pregnancy first of all

It does occur to me if you are going to tell your DH that you (understandably) told your Dad first, don't you think you should tell him now rather than several days later? Especially as I imagine you will also end up talking to your sisters about it, as I'm sure I would in your position.

Good luck with it all.

I just don't see the problem, it was an unusual emergency situation, you had had no opportunity to tell your DH prior to this car journey which had to take place, and you needed to talk about it, so you did so with a parent. It's not like you kissed your DH goodbye with a secret in your mouth, and then went on to discuss it with a random person.

Who are all these precious DHs who would get upset that they weren't told first? FGS, what an absolute drama. If it's bothering you so much, call him and tell him. otherwise, enjoy planning how to break the news on Monday, and don't give it a second thought.

Congratulations! Def don't feel guilty; it's good you can talk to your dad about such personal issues. I hope the family emergency is now sorted, it sounds as if you could have been feeling emotional and vulnerable because of that too. I'd def tell your DH today though but, don't think he needs to know your dad knew first... pointless confessing to something that will hurt someone's feelings and will not change that your pregnant and nor will it change your discussions with your DH about how to move forward. good luck

Please don't beat yourself up OP - it's your pregnancy, and it sounds like you need some time to think calmly about what this means, without having to pretend that this is a totally unmixed blessing for you.

A friend of mine told me about her pregnancy a few weeks before she told her husband. She was extremely conflicted about what to do (even though they had been trying, etc) and she needed that time to process what her options were with someone who had a bit of distance from the situation and who would help her focus on how she felt and what she wanted to do. Rather than someone who would immediately skip up and down grinning and saying "we're having a baby! That's definitely happening, this is brilliant".

Firstly, congratulations

I have to say I'm fascinated by the responses. I'm trying to imagine a situation where a dh would know something and then tell mil before his wife (sex of baby written down after a scan maybe?) I can't imagine a man would get off so lightly!

What's done is done, but I'd be really hurt If I were your dh.

I don't see an issue here and neither would my DH

Telling acquantances before him, maybe. But a parent ? Nah.

My dh wouldn’t mind because he knows if I’m struggling with processing things I always go to my dad first for an objective view on things. Nobody helps me see things straight or listens like my dad. Don’t get me wrong I talk to my dh about everything too but my dad is my hero, my dh knows this and even uses him as a sounding board himself. I can understand some husbands would be upset. I don’t think you wbu. Sometimes a talk with dad helps.

Why does it need to be a big drama? Ask your dad to keep it to himself for now. I don't mean tell a lie if DH should ask who you told first, but there's no need to go in and apologise to him - just tell him you are pregnant - he's unlikely to ask if he is the first to know.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. It sounds like your dad was able to help you work through your emotions whereas your DH would want you to be immediately happy.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. As well as being happy news a pregnancy is going to have a massive impact on your life in a different way than DHs.

My SIL told me that she was pregnant before her DH as she wanted it to be a Christmas surprise but wanted to make it real by discussing it with someone. Her DH is not bothered.

Congratulations, I hope your family stuff works out

TedTed, it's not really analagous though.

As medical science currently stands, a pregnancy can only happen to a woman, to her body. 99% of the time it's her career and her aspirations that are put at risk too. Yes, the baby is also the man's but the pregnancy is the woman's and it's up to her how she processes the news of it.

Who else will you father tell? Your mother, your siblings? Are any of them likely to phone your husband and congratulate him?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I told a work colleague before my DH in my current pregnancy - I don't even know if DH knows or not that she knew first and he wouldn't care either way. I honestly don't think it's a big deal - I'm not convinced men are as bothered by this kind of stuff as women are. If you need a bit of time to process then take it and if you want to talk to your sisters go for it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - don't be so hard on yourself.

Make sure your dad knows not to spill the beans then plan a lovely way to announce the surprise to your DH. (A big brother/ sister T shirt for your other dc?)

Then your delay in telling him will be special and does he actually need to know he didn't know first?

OP you say that your DH is keener than you to have another child now, and you have started a new job recently. Does he support you in your career?

I'm just wondering if there is maybe more to this, is he pressuring you to ttc and maybe have to give up your dream, stay at home even? We read on here all the time about men who would prefer their partners to be dependent upon them.

Maybe he is a genuine good guy, I am just a little concerned that you feel you will be railroaded into something you may not want when you tell him, and this is what's stopping you? Apologies if I've got it wrong, just thought it was worth exploring.

Good luck with everything

In your situation OP I can imagine that I'd tell my dh after the family emergency had resolved and I suspect he would probably have expected me to have told my family already, just because we were all together and he'd know I'd find it very hard not to. I can't see how it would take anything away from the good news really.

I'm also not sure why some people are telling the OP that she needs to make a special effort in how she tells her dh, that seems likely to cause her further anxiety when she is already feeling a bit ambivalent and also presumably her family emergency is ongoing.

OP if you feel the need for your sister's support can you not ring your dh and tell him so that you can then share the news without feeling guilty?

MummyB2014 - I always go to my dad first and then my sisters with problems and DH understands this. I just had this niggling feeling that I hadn't done the right thing.

Silvergran - HA, no, my dad won't tell anyone, especially my mother she would throw a party and be spectacularly non subtle. No worries there

Nightowl - I understand that concern, but DH supported me financially and emotionally through my degree so that I could have the career that I want and encouraged me to leap straight into my field when I went back to work. Thanks for the concern, though .

Thanks a lot for all of these responses. You've really helped... but I guess now I've also told a load of strangers on the internet about my pregnancy as well . Oops.