RP and NRP who provides what?

[sailorcherries]

My current arrangement for ex to see DS is EOW. Ex was offered time after school once a week but has never bothered his arse (can't do a midweek overnight as he has no way of getting DS to school).

During this time DS spends more time with exMIL (never married but an easier abbreviation).

Ex doesn't ever ask for more time and does the bare minimum in terms of parenting. Pays the csa amount and nothing more. He contributes nothing to school expenses, birthday party etc.

I have always sent DS away with a case full of clothes for the weekend as ex doesn't even buy him clothes, but more and more recently I am becoming annoyed at this lack of care from ex.

The straw that broke the proverbial camels back is to do with this weekend. DS has a party and it is exs weekend. I let him know two weeks ago, and gave him the choice of taking DS and sorting the party stuff or I'd take him and sort it. Ex decided to take him. I checked that he had a present last night (as i knew it was unlikely) to be tols no he doesn't and he doesn't appreciate me asking him to get it as I an 'forcing' this situation on him. I lost my shit, called him lazy and told him not to bother as I'd get it but next time he either sorts the stuff (if his weekend) or DS comes home and I take him. I'm not here to make exs life easier nor am I forcing him to be a parent.

So wibu to be annoyed at this? I know I wbu to lose my shit but I've had enough of his attitude and just snapped.

I think the OP is getting a hard time with some of these responses! I'm shocked at some of them!

The OP's son has been invited to a party - her ex was given a choice between taking his son to the party or the OP taking him. He agreed to take him so I'm my book, it is up to him to organise the arrangements/gift.

If he genuinely couldn't afford a gift/hadn't a clue what to buy, we did he not ask OP for help/ideas rather than just leave it until the last moment and only say something when OP asked about what he had got as a present?

Surely no one would want their child turning up to a party with no present because his dad can't be bothered to organise it?

OP - YANBU. Your ex sounds like he can't be arsed with his son and you are right - he shouldn't have to miss out because of this.

FWIW - I live with my husband and I am taking our son to a party tomorrow - frankly, I can think of better ways of spending my Sunday afternoon but that's what you have to do as a parent.

Crowdo I never called up during his contact time. Ex texts me on a Thursday night to confirm pick up and drop off of DS. He asked for the party address. I asked if he had a present or did he want me to ask DS for ideas at which point he started arguing.

So no, I'm not intruding on his time and given that I post on a Thursday and spoke about it happening then.

Yes, he started arguing after you asked him questions that were not really any of your business.

It's what is going to happen in these situations if you don't let him get on with it. Things like this cause arguments, which causes resentment, which causes pettiness. All this in the long run will be much worse for your son than some random party he'll never remember.

Crowdo you’re not helping

The Nrp pays maintenance and I provide everything else.

That's just your opinion, man. I've been dealing with split parenting for several years now. One lesson I've learned is pick your battles.

Crowdo and I have also been dealing with split parenting for years. Never once brought the non-provision issue up until then as it was the proverbial straw.

What i wanted to know was whether it was unreasonable to expect him to buy a gift, something I don't think you've answered.

To answer the question in the OP we had to buy everything for the DSC, from toothbrushes to coats to shoes we had to have it all as the ex wouldn’t send them over with things.

It’s a bit easier now they are older but we still have different sets of clothes and only objects (phones, laptops etc) go between houses.

If we took the kids to a party then usually the ex would send a present over with them to give to the birthday child- no logic at all!

Seriously Crowdo OP is perfectly entitled to ask about arrangements for a party their child is attending.
You're just disagreeing for the sake of it now I think.

And Ive totally failed to answer the point that no you weren’t BU to expect him to buy a gift.

You're not unreasonable to expect him to do it. You're unlikely in the long term to foster good relationships by asking him about it and then kicking off and saying they might as well not go to the party at all, so you are unreasonable on that point.

Crowdo when did i say my DS may as well not go? Complete shit there.

Sailor I would ignore Crowdo
Not worth it

This is all about the mental load - it feels heavy here.

He’s an ass. YANBU and NRPs who are so short sighted about actually putting their kids needs first don’t seem to realise that as soon as those kids are old enough to have a say in their own activities, parties, social life etc, the first thing they’ll do is stay at home where they know those things are facilitated.

Some of the responses on this thread are crazy. This ass of an Ex resents that he doesn’t get enough contact time? RTFT people.

TBH, it would be lovely if the NRP sorted stuff like presents for parties on their weekends. In my case it would never happen. He can’t even manage to choose presents for his own kids, let alone someone else’s.

But generally I’m also the one who knows my kid’s friends. I see them everyday at the school gates and have them to play, and in a lot of cases I come to care about them. So I kind of like helping my kids choose something that will make their mates happy. Even if it’s “wifework” and enabling him to continue being crap, I just send the presents along with them on his weekends.

Haven't read the rest of the thread but meant to comment earlier on the clothes situation. He should be providing clothes. Sure if he doesn't pick them up from school then may be change them into normal clothes, but he should be providing clothes for the rest of the weekend. The idea behind maintenance being reduced for overnights is so the NRP can provide things during their time (including clothes!). It's piss poor he can't even do that.

Perhaps I'm taking it the wrong way because i do was with an emotionally abusive "boy" (though thankfully didn't fall pregnant when with him), but it sounds to me like other posters are downplaying the awful situation you were in as a teenager purely because he was young too. Him being young doesn't excuse abusive behaviour and I'm sorry you had to go through that and now have the added complication of always having to have him in your life. The judgment here from other people is appalling. Not all pregnancies are planned and not all planned pregnancies are made when the parent is in a safe and rational place.

Whilst he's not going to change, it's not UR to want him too.

I think it is clear that you are doing your very best to co-parent in a difficult situation. It is unlikely that your ex is going to change, so if a similar situation arises, I would buy and wrap a present, put it in a bag with a birthday card and hand it over with the rest of your son's stuff for the weekend.

I know your ex should be buying the present and making the effort, but he is not going to, you know he isn't and being proved right, as you were on this occasion, only upsets you and possibly your son too. Best to keep everything ticking over and have a good moan to your friends, and everyone on here. You are a great Mum, including making sure your son keeps in contact with both sides of his family.

As infuriating as it is, your DS will have to realise for himself what a selfish father he has. I only saw my father EOW and he did everything to make my mother's life hell, whilst simultaneously not bothering much with me when he had contact . My wonderful mother never, ever spoke badly of him to me or refused to let him see me. As I grew older, I realised what a selfish man he was and now I am NC as I realise there is no place for him in my life. I also respect my mother so much. It would hsve been so easy for her to badmouth him to us. She is such a strong woman.

Thank you all. DS refused to go last night and went today. Yesterday DS mentioned to exMIL that he was off school on Monday and exMIL was disappointed she wasn't off but I said I had plans with DS. Fast forward to drop off today and she mentions in front of DS that ex is off work and would love to treat him that day. Cue DS being excited and wanting to stay. Ex tries to back out but exMIL is having none of it, DS thinks he's having a lovely day and wants to stay to see what his surprise day out is. If I said no then DS sees me as the bad one.

Left in tears of rage. She told DS in front of me because she knew I wouldn't say no as he thinks he's getting something special. She done it because she's trying to force ex to be a dad. Furious at her because we all know ex will do fuck all, DS will be disappointed and I don't get to spend a day with DS.

I know I could have said no, but who is going to tell their seven year old that they won't get a surprise and will be disappointed, in front of their gran and dad?

As much as DS adores his gran, me and her don't have the best of relationships as she refuses to see anything but the best about her son. Even when he is a wanker.

On the other hand DS went with a present he helped pick, helped wrap and card written.

If this was me I would phone her up and tell her that if the lovely day doesn't happen on monday, she will be responsible for making ds unhappy, so she had better ensure that what she has promised comes to pass.
I would also be very clear with her that I viewed asking in front of ds to be manipulative and she is not to pull that stunt again.

You could have, and should have said no, OP.

Come on, you are no wallflower here. You need to step in and protect your son from yet another disappointment!

You will be back on here tomorrow complaining that dead beat Dad didn't do anything with your son and now your son is upset.

If you can see it coming, don't facilitate it.

He still has parental rights and one parent should not organise any activity during the other parents time. Unless of course you ask and get their consent. DC Should get used to this.

If one parent pays maintenance then the other parent should buy the present. If they dont pay maintenance then they are a dick and not much you can do, you chose them.

If one parent is a dick them take them to court and try to get their parental rights removed, otherwise you have to suck it up. But DC really has to get used to it, whether they like it or not.

Contact with the 'exMIL' is valid contact, obviously would be nice to have other parent step up but you chose him and that's life.

Julie I didn't agree until I had checked ot was okay with ex. RTFT.

So maintenance should cover the costs of DS taking part in stuff while with ex? I'll send over £50 EOW then to cover the activities.

Mayhem I couldn't say no. DS is still too young to connect the dots over failed promises. He will come back disappointed but then we just make up for it here by spending time with us and doing what he enjoys.
That will just need to do until DS can understand and make his own decision.

IWanna it won't happen again and I will be talking to them. I've just been so fed up with him and this has all contributed to me being this way, this week.

I didn't agree until I had checked ot was okay with ex. RTFT.
I did read the rtft, I wasn't saying you hadn't checked, was just quoting my experience, learnt the hard way.

So maintenance should cover the costs of DS taking part in stuff while with ex? No, if its something he chooses during his time then he pays and vice versa. A friends party comes under day to day living expenses of the child and should be covered under maintenance payments.

I am sorry your DC will be disappointed, been there. The sooner they learn to come to terms with having a dick not very good dad the easier it will be for all.