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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

RP and NRP who provides what?

75 replies

sailorcherries · 17/11/2017 15:22

My current arrangement for ex to see DS is EOW. Ex was offered time after school once a week but has never bothered his arse (can't do a midweek overnight as he has no way of getting DS to school).

During this time DS spends more time with exMIL (never married but an easier abbreviation).

Ex doesn't ever ask for more time and does the bare minimum in terms of parenting. Pays the csa amount and nothing more. He contributes nothing to school expenses, birthday party etc.

I have always sent DS away with a case full of clothes for the weekend as ex doesn't even buy him clothes, but more and more recently I am becoming annoyed at this lack of care from ex.

The straw that broke the proverbial camels back is to do with this weekend. DS has a party and it is exs weekend. I let him know two weeks ago, and gave him the choice of taking DS and sorting the party stuff or I'd take him and sort it. Ex decided to take him. I checked that he had a present last night (as i knew it was unlikely) to be tols no he doesn't and he doesn't appreciate me asking him to get it as I an 'forcing' this situation on him. I lost my shit, called him lazy and told him not to bother as I'd get it but next time he either sorts the stuff (if his weekend) or DS comes home and I take him. I'm not here to make exs life easier nor am I forcing him to be a parent.

So wibu to be annoyed at this? I know I wbu to lose my shit but I've had enough of his attitude and just snapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
sailorcherries · 18/11/2017 10:59

Mayhem he was 17, so still a boy/teenager and not a man.
I didn't actually expect him to be a parent; he refused until the last minute to be on the birth certificate then went awol for 3 years.

exMIL wanted a relationship with her grandson and so I let that happen. She had done my son no wrong, despite wearing rose tinted glasses with regards to her son, and DS uncle had done him no wrong. It would be wrong to deny them all a relationship because of ex. And now we are where we are.

Dry thankfully we haven't got to that point. ExMIL gets DS after work on Friday so he's already changed. It just feels so sad sending him off with a case, knowing his dad can't actually be arses buying him clothes.

OP posts:
Original poster
sailorcherries · 18/11/2017 11:00

May I'm hoping DS reaches that age soon.

He spent last night in tears as he didn't want to go over but thought he was in trouble for 'disappointing' exMIL and his dad.

OP posts:
Crowdo · 18/11/2017 11:00

I actually think you are doing more damage by trying to interfere with petty things like this than you would potentially resolve. And your attitude about it with him sounds childish.

I split parent and, from experience, I can tell you this sort of thing causes needless resentment and the further dissolution of any good relationship you might have built up. I know you don't want to hear it, but keep your beak out.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 18/11/2017 11:05

If he only gets EOW could it be he resents giving up time with his son to run around doing parties etc when it could be spent with his son?

Jesus wept. The OP also only gets EOW with her child because the rest of the week she'll be running round trying to fit everything in like the rest of us. I bet the OP takes him to parties.

MayhemMaggie · 18/11/2017 11:05

If your ex is as pathetic as he sounds can you have a word with ex MIL?

Can you say that DS is starting to make noises about not wanting to go over anymore? Maybe that will be enough for her to give her son a kick up the arse but I wouldn't hold my breath.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/11/2017 11:12

Tbh, I'd bypass him altogether and go straight to mil, because in reality you are coparenting with her. I would tell her that it is upsetting that ds doesn't have any clothes at his dad's house - she might not have given that much thought and will hopefully give him a kick up the arse.

I wouldn't lie to ds about why dad doesn't turn up for things. Keep it neutral and non committal. DS will already know deep down and you need your own relationship with him to be truthful. I don't think it helps long term to cover up too much for the crappy other parent.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 18/11/2017 11:33

IWanna it's more a "daddy really wanted to come but needs to work unexpectedly" type of lie.

Crowdo my beak out of what? Asking if there are plans as DS has been invited somewhere and wants to to? Or do I just tell my son no constantly because ex might get resentful at getting exMIL to take him?

OP posts:
MayhemMaggie · 18/11/2017 11:39

I think you will tie yourself up in knots if you keep going like this, getting worked up about a kids' party and who buys the present... you have bigger issues than this.

You are being unrealistic if you think / expect this overgrown child to suddenly step up and parent the way you want him to.

You need to work out what he CAN bring to your son, whilst minimising the disappointment your son will face by continually being let down by him.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 18/11/2017 11:42

Mayhem I am normally controlled when dealing with him but this just really got my back up for some reason. It's good to know most people would/do feel the same.

I'm not expecting miracles, or anything, from him but knowing I'm not being unreasonable and believing he should provide these things is helpful.

OP posts:
Justbookedasummmerholiday · 18/11/2017 11:44

A judge would tell you to not make or agree plans for in ex 's time unfortunately. If a dc misses something then the time with the nrp is deemed more important. I think things would be easier if you tried to explain this to ds.
And actually you are enabling him to be a lazy fucker by sending ds with a packed case!! He needs to be supplying all your ds needs while he is in his care(judge would say this as it's called parenting the dc) . But ultimately when things aren't there /up to scratch you leave yourself open for criticism and abuse.
You should be allowing yourself to appreciate the time without ds (bloody hard I understand) instead of getting in a knot about things you can't control.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 18/11/2017 11:50

I don't agree it with anyone, especially DS, befote mentioning to ex. I recieved the invite, realised the date and asked ex if it was suitable before doing anything. Had he said no then it's a no. It's the saying yes and then not bothering about it or doing anything in regards to it that annoyed me.

If i sent DS with no clothes he would be brought home as ex just wouldn't buy him them.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/11/2017 11:57

Hello, taking children to friends parties is part of being a parent, that is what he should be doing! He sounds selfish and lazy, if party falls on his weekend, I would ask to swap weekends as its not fair your ds misses out on his friends party, he comes first.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 18/11/2017 12:03

Aero-( un) fortunately a judge would say the dc having a relationship with df is more important than a party with friends they see most days.
Spent 4 years in court and the judges words ring often in my head.
Ime the quickest the dc accept things the better.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 18/11/2017 12:08

And yet given ex will be there he isn't missing any time. Indeed parents have been asked to stay.
If ex chooses to not go and let only exMIL take him that's his choice.

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 18/11/2017 12:11

Ex is being U here. I think your approach is good to discuss with your ex when a party or something falls on his weekend and see whether he wants to facilitate it or swap weekends or whatever - that's what DP and his ex do. But then DP actually sorts out getting the present and attending the party when it's scheduled that way! Your problem is going to be that it's very difficult, frustrating and not ideal to be "managing" your ex in relation to this stuff. In the future probably best just to swap weekends around parties, or sort it yourself, or decline the invite. I agree it's not fair or right but ultimately you can't force your ex to step up and you'll stress yourself out trying to do so.

mustbemad17 · 18/11/2017 12:13

I hate shit like this. Comes back down to the emotional needs of the child & quite frankly OP your ex is dealing with them pretty shittily. If he had plans for your DS at the weekend, fine, say that. But don't lie about it then expect DS to be okay. If he agreed to take DS to the party then he damn well should stick to his word & stop being a selfish cunt.

I have a friend who has an ex like this; her 7 year old DD constantly comes home in tears because daddy wouldn't let them go to the party that her entire class were going to. Did they do anything as a family instead? No they stayed at home with his gf so he could piss off fishing.

It isn't about being controlling, or nagging. It's about a 7 year old who would like to do things with his friends OR with his dad. When dad says 'you can't go we have plans' then these plans fail to materialise, dad is being a wanker. Great way to bring up an emotionally stable child.

OP i'd just get in touch with MiL personally. Sounds like the relationship with her & DS is decent, maybe she can give her son a kick up the ass

Abouttoblow · 18/11/2017 12:22

YANBU at all and some of the responses here are ridiculous, Crowdo especially Shock
He's a parent and needs to take responsibility when his child is with him.

Crowdo · 18/11/2017 13:18

Abouttoblow, you're talking in contradictions. If he's got to take responsibility, what is the point in the OP taking charge of everything for him? Split parenting means having to watch other parenting you don't agree with, alas.

MayhemMaggie · 18/11/2017 13:21

Aboutoblow - I agree he is a shit lazy parent and he SHOULD put his child first and honour commitments he has made about parties etc.

But what he OUGHT to do, and what the useless twat will ACTUALLY do are not the same.

OP can't force him to be a better parent. My point is that she is going to drive herself mad getting wound up about every little thing, because by the sound of it there are LOTS of things he is crap at.

It isn't fair, it shouldn't be that way, but there is nothing she can do to change him. It might be easier in the long run if she just declined party invites that fall on her ex's weekends. Then her poor DS at least knows where he stands and isn't constantly being promised things that don't materialise and OP doesn't continually get stressed.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 18/11/2017 13:25

He sounds a knob tbh. When DS is with him he is there to look after DS. This would inc taking him to normal weekend activities inc parties. He should buy a present/card. He should be providing for his son, have toys at his house, clothes. Everything to show that this is also his home. If he continues like this his DS will vote with his feet at some point. You have your DS to look after your ex is an adult he doesn’t need mothering

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/11/2017 13:41

Justbooked.

A judge wouldn’t always say that about parties and commitments.

I have a court order that states the child’s friendships should be supported by facilitating parties and the such like during contact time by the dad.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 18/11/2017 13:55

Just giving my experience of 4 years of exh making plans with dc and judge telling him he wasn't allowed.

Abouttoblow · 18/11/2017 13:59

Crowdo Taking responsibility means if his child has a party or event on his weekend he should be organising the gift and getting his child there. OP is having to get involved because he's not stepping up.

Mayhem Why should his child miss out on things because he's a useless twat? What if most parties/events fall on his weekends?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/11/2017 14:02

Massive sympathy with the op. I have an ex who is awkward about parties. He’s got better about being organised but still treats the other parents with contempt - who I have a good relationship with. I am controlling but I’m not going to watch my child slip into social exclusion becaUse if dad the wanker.
Op was fair. I would send no clothes though and force him to buy them

Crowdo · 18/11/2017 14:31

That's nice in theory. Not really practical to be calling up on their time nagging about whether they've bought a present or not. My DS's father, and I myself, who parent separately, would find behaviour like that incredibly intrusive. It's just going to put his back up and make him even more resistant to change.