To not go on this night out?

[Kellyopio]

It's very trivial and I apologise for being a baby in advance but here goes ...
I have a group of friends.
We celebrate birthdays /hen nights etc but never in 5 years have any of them celebrated my birthday or suggested it.
Friend 1-we have had 2 cocktail making classes,1 night in Leeds.
Friend 2.2 birthday parties (I was the one who bought the cake,decorated the function room)
Friend 3-weekend in Liverpool
Friend 4-night out on Saturday with a meal followed by drinks
My 30th =nothing
It's my birthday on Christmas Eve but we have all of December to do something.
Tomorrows night out her birthday is 21st December.
I'm just always feeling like the one who nobody cares about.
I don't want to say "what are we doing for my birthday "
When else's is secret planning and things.
I'm thinking of cancelling tomorrow night and just not going.
I know I sound like a baby but my supposedly close friend in the group never mentions anything and she knows it's my birthday.
Yet for this other girl it's a night out and meals blah blah.
Sorry for the whinge,it just makes me a bit sad.

My birthday is 22nd dec. Its crap for timing with friens etc. I'd either brave it out and say something, or just move on

Send a group text to everyone, and say "is there a reason why we never celebrate my birthdays? I'd really like to this year guys and am very flexible about when everyone can get together". You need to tell them. If they still don't make an effort, then drop them. Either way, you know.

Are you always that pass-ag about stuff?

Are you always so heartless?

Soooooo much easier when people sort their own birthday out rather than doing surprise stuff and people getting left out.

Although you say that when you tried to organise something they didn't want to come :-(

I'd probably say to the one you are closest to "Hey, feeling a bit down that we always orgainse things for birthdays but never for mine. I'd really like it if we can do something this year. How about a meal out to [place] on [date]? "

It's odd for a group of friends that the 'norm' has become for you not to arrange your own celebrations as adults.

But in this case, you need to listen to the group. They have arranged things for everyone else, but never you. When you have tried to arrange things, they have declined to go. when arranging something for someone else who's birthday is close to yours, it doesn't occur to them to make it a joint thing. They don't consider you to be part of the group, or rather you are an 'outsider member', not 'core member' of the friendship group. You are invited along to make up numbers/to help out, but aren't part of the way they do things.

While it's ok to be 'tier 2 friend' if there's a lot of you who are in the same boat, if you are the only "non-core group" friend, then I'd stop going along with the core group for group things. If there's one or two you get on better with, invite them for 1-2-1 meet ups for a coffee etc, but don't join in on group things. (And certainly don't do the work/paying to make events happen!)

It's probably awkward with your birthday being on Christmas Eve where people usually have plans ... can you celebrate a couple of weeks before, just ask them if they fancy doing something in advance for yours - I'm sure they will ... they probably haven't even thought it's upsetting you so you need to say

I had this kind of thing with one group of friends.

Lovely people, enjoyed their company, one quitevold group of mates.

BUT - there was always the gut feeling that I was on the B-list so to speak. Really hard to explain, and nothing they had actually done deliberately but... you know.

When marriages and babies started happening there were a couple of instances where priorities were so clear that I thought, that's it. I don't want to be in this position, it's spoiling things.

I drifted off. I thought I'd miss them, but I don't. Life goes on. Several years later, I'm very glad I did that. I wish it could have been different, but it wasn't. And I don't think it's the kind of situation that can be fixed really. They weren't mean. It was just the way things were and I didn't want to be friends on those terms - it felt not right for me.

Have faith in your feelings OP.

I wouldn’t be happy with that either. Could you suggest a joint birthday celebration on 21st?

At work we always celebrated birthdays by the month. Eg if there were 3 birthdays in Jan a date would be chosen and we had a birthday bash for all 3 friends together. If there was only one birthday in June we all went out to celebrate one birthday.

It is probably because your Birthday is on Christmas Eve. Although someone should have suggested a joint celebration on the 21st.

What have you decided OP?

December birthday here OP. It IS shite you're not a baby for it either.

its not about the things and stuff and all that but its the double standard that pisses me off. I just want people to put the kind of effort in that I do for them. Yes its xmas and festive and all that.

I've had joint birthday/xmas gifts where if I were to give friend joint birthday/xmas gifts I'd get it in the neck.

gifts wrapped in xmas paper. OK I get it, its to hand but I would love it just once for one person to make the effort for my birthday like I do with everyone elses. They'd be pissed if they had a birthday gift in xmas paper or xmas themed gifts.

xmas cards with happy birthday in

nd dont get me started on the nights out. My birthday is fixed every damn year so plenty of warning. I am pretty chilled about when to go out for a meal or movie etc. Even happy to do it during that day with some friends who work shifts but nothing. They all cancel at the last minute because of a works do or carol service or xmas drinks with X or other such thing and It does make you feel like no one gives a shit about you. Something better came up so you get ditched.

I've stopped even mentioning it to people including family. I haven't had a card or gift in 4 years now.

Christmas Eve bday is not enough of an excuse. I'd ditch them.

I could be wrong, but I read it that the night out tomorrow night is for the person who's birthday is on 21st December, so holding it over a month early for her, just not for the OP.

Walk away.

I think a couple of PP have nailed it: you are an 'extra' to this group. They are not necessarily being deliberately unkind: lots of people have a medium/large group of friends and an inner circle, partly because many of us don't have enough time to be on close terms with more than a certain number of people.
I would suggest looking for other friends, maybe go to this group's parties if you want to go but don't worry about it too much.
But don't do the big 'You are bad friends and excluding me and I deserve respect' number. This is a failsafe way to make yourself look like a needy twat and lose the entire friendship group. Keep your dignity as you detach.

I'm not passive aggressive in the slightest .
Only so many times you can either ask or drop hints.
They all know it's my birthday.
Even if it was something like a tea and cake in a coffee shop just anything.
I spoke to one girl this morning and she made it crystal clear after tomorrow no more events till Jan.

ditch them - they are not friends and believe me i spent too long with a group EXACTLY like this. Cut them out this year and it was like a weight was lifted. Im so much happier in my life now without those shitty friendships hanging over me.

Do they send cards or gifts for your birthday? Do they for each other?

I had a school friend who had a Christmas day birthday but for as long as she could remember she celebrated her 'public' birthday on 25 th June. So that was child parties and as she for older nights out. It was always a talking point. She still keeps it up but I think it's because she is a birthdayzilla (as I am) and it gives her something mid year to plan and look forward to.

Only you can decide how you want to proceed with this. Do you want to back away and say nothing? Do you want to continue as it is? Do you want to say 'nothing is ever done for my birthday, can we put a date in the diary, I'm feeling left out'

With it being Christmas Eve, there is a chance its forgotten in all the festivities which is not great but it may not be deliberate.

Sorry OP but they’re not your friends. They will be chipping away at your self esteem all the time. Just ditch.

She made it crystal clear?!

Oh did she now.

OP that turn of phrase spoke volumes. You know what this dynamic is. It doesn't necessarily mean they're bitches. But - step away! It's no good. This will eat at your self-esteem. This isn't real friendship.

They see you as an inferior within the group. Way down the pecking order. It's fucked up - drop them.

So why can't they celebrate yours in Jan? I like the group text idea asking why they never celebrate yours and say you get that Christmas is difficult but feeling a bit left out could we maybe do something in Jan.

Do you have other friends you could plan something with? It’s not up to her to make it crystal clear that there are no more events! You don’t have to be part of this group! Could you just plan something yourself and invite other people and distance yourself from this group?

Always makes me glad I’m not in a ‘group’ of friends like this when I read these sorts of threads. I’ve got friends from all over, old work colleagues, old uni friends, friends from baby groups. Most of them don’t know each other. Groups always sound like more trouble than they’re worth.

When were you trying to arrange the spa day for OP? I'm guessing not Christmas Eve itself, but was it within the same week? It's a horrible situation but I even made a comment today that I don't acknowledge* people's birthdays in December.

*That's what I said, what I meant by that was I don't go out for any costly celebrations in December. I know it's unfair but I think you're going to have to bring yours forward. There's a reason why this woman tomorrow is celebrating her birthday a whole month in advance. Because after that, everyone's focusing on Christmas.

If you do the above and they are still reluctant and don't show up, then you need new friends. Hope it works out.

Arrange your own birthday stuff. Thats what most people do. Then you invite your friends.

Just arrange something for January then you sound hard work. I arranged for my 30th for the beginning of February and my birthday was January because I knew friends were recovering from Christmas. Sometimes I don’t do anything but other friends have it’s just a birthday. All my friends have just been open and said it’s my birthday I’m doing this if you want to join us. My friend had a spa day for her 30th in July was too expensive I couldn’t afford so I declined it was an expensive month for dcs birthday.

Wow, these people are not your friends

They are not your friends.

I know when all my friends birthdays are and always make sure it's marked in some way.

It's so obvious they can't be arsed doing anything for you, in which case they don't actually consider you a good friend.

Sorry. Ditch them.