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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why they're not coming for Christmas?

41 replies

puglife15 · 16/11/2017 23:43

Invited PIL to stay at ours for Christmas (they live too far away just to pop in on the day) - they seemed keen at first but have now asked if they can come on 27th rather than for Christmas day. DH is working on 28th so won't be there for some of their visit. They said it was because they wanted to help out at their church on Christmas day but I've since found out they've got no plans to do so.

AIBU to think they just don't want to come for Christmas? I feel a bit hurt tbh, mostly on behalf of the DC. They've not spent Christmas at our house before, I think they'll probably spend it with SIL who lives near them like they have the last 10 years

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/11/2017 23:44

Who told you they have no plans to do so?

2rebecca · 16/11/2017 23:45

Will your kids really care? Most kids are excited about Santa/ presents/ decorations and don't really care how many relatives come

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/11/2017 23:46

Oh blimey, this is ideal! You get the kudos for inviting them but don't have to have them!

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/11/2017 23:47

Can you enjoy Christmas without them. How old are they? My grandparents (DC GGP) hate the noise and bustle go on a cruise to avoid this sort of thing.

We also enjoy not having to host!

2rebecca · 16/11/2017 23:49

Agree it seems sad to me that you're not thrilled at the idea of having a relaxing Christmas with your family without having to role play being hostess

Original poster
puglife15 · 16/11/2017 23:49

Worra I asked them about it a while after and they'd not actually sorted anything or made any arrangements, and based on previous form and gut instinct I don't think they intend to

2rebecca The kids probably won't really care much no, they'll get to see them regardless, but I feel sad for them coming lower down the pecking order than their cousins, who get to see their GPs a lot more already.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 16/11/2017 23:52

do they stay over at your SIL? If not then it's likely they just want to be able to go home and enjoy a bit of time together away from all the hectic mess of kids at xmas

Original poster
puglife15 · 16/11/2017 23:53

I've always seen Christmas as a time to spend with extended family really, we've never had Christmas just us, and relaxing and my DC don't really go together! I'm sure it will be lovely though just the four of us, if a bit strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
puglife15 · 16/11/2017 23:54

Crisp sometimes they stay over yes, but not always.

OP posts:
RedRubixCube · 16/11/2017 23:55

I'd be getting the flags out Grin
We have to spend EVERY Christmas with mil as she's on her own. I would love to have a Christmas day just us and dcs.

Meercat2 · 17/11/2017 00:00

Gosh I would to just be on our own for Christmas. We too have MIL Every bloody year

Ceto · 17/11/2017 00:02

How much sorting and arrangements do you need to do in order to help out in church over a month ahead?

scrabbler3 · 17/11/2017 00:05

They probably just want a local chilled Christmas Day. If your nieces and nephews (understandably) get wound up with excitement, they can jump in the car and go home whereas they're kind of stuck at yours. The 27th will be more relaxing.

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2017 00:13

Puglife I totally get what you mean. It will be just the four of us for Christmas and I'd much rather have guests too!

2rebecca "Agree it seems sad to me that you're not thrilled at the idea of having a relaxing Christmas with your family without having to role play being hostess" How is it sad to be upset not to see family at Christmas. Why would being just with immediate family who you see all the time automatically be better for everyone and sad not to feel that way!

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2017 00:14

My in-laws do not come because they usually see my SIL. They do not have kids and I think it is the noise, and over excitement that PILs (quite elderly) wish to avoid. Could this be the case for your PILs too OP?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/11/2017 00:24

I've never understood why people get hurt and upset at having to spend Christmas with their nuclear family. There are plenty of women on here who are spending Christmas alone, and others who have lost someone dear to them who will struggle at Christmas. You have your partner and your children at Christmas - really, what could be better?

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 17/11/2017 00:27

It’s their Christmas too, let them do what they want

unfortunateevents · 17/11/2017 00:39

So you don't actually know that they're not helping at their church? You have just jumped to that conclusion because they hadn't made "arrangements" to do so when you spoke to them?

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2017 00:55

MyBrilliantDisguise "what could be better?" Being with other people as well.

Some people want to be around lots of people. It is just who they are.

Of course those of us who have children are very fortunate not to have suffered the horror of having lost them! But people are still entitled to feel disappointed if they had looked forward to something and it is not going to happen. Not everyone wants to be always in a nuclear family!

OP I hope your Christmas is really great and you enjoy it a lot but I do understand why you feel disappointed.

MistressDeeCee · 17/11/2017 01:12

They likely just want a quiet Christmas to themselves. I never want to go anywhere on Christmas day. I want to wake up in my own home, please myself for the day. Maybe they feel the same this year. & that should be fine.

Nikephorus · 17/11/2017 08:22

Maybe SIL has kicked up a fuss and they want to placate her - "But you always come to me!!!"

Mulberry72 · 17/11/2017 08:28

Perhaps they just want a quiet, chilled out day?

We’re having one this year, we’re not going anywhere and nobody is coming here, we’re really looking forward to it!

ScrabbleFiend · 17/11/2017 08:32

and relaxing and my DC don't really go together

^ this will be why. Are you're children a bit wild? My parents never spend Christmas with my sibling and their DC as they find it too stressful. Lots of destruction/shouting etc. It's just not pleasant for them. They do pop in to see them but just can't handle spending the whole day with them.

KarmaNoMore · 17/11/2017 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caulk · 17/11/2017 08:33

I work for a church and we havent asked people to help yet. I’ve speculatively checked who is around and would like to help but that’s all, so it makes sense for them to not have concrete plans for that yet.