To wonder why they're not coming for Christmas?

[puglife15]

Invited PIL to stay at ours for Christmas (they live too far away just to pop in on the day) - they seemed keen at first but have now asked if they can come on 27th rather than for Christmas day. DH is working on 28th so won't be there for some of their visit. They said it was because they wanted to help out at their church on Christmas day but I've since found out they've got no plans to do so.

AIBU to think they just don't want to come for Christmas? I feel a bit hurt tbh, mostly on behalf of the DC. They've not spent Christmas at our house before, I think they'll probably spend it with SIL who lives near them like they have the last 10 years

In defense of your PIL - for many christians their church family is just that - family. It's not the same as biological family, but it IS family to them and wanting to spend time with that family on one of the biggest Christian festivals of the church calendar is pretty normal.

We like being at home at Christmas for many reasons (and our families are far away so seeing them at Christmas involves a lot of time and work - both are about a 10-12hr journey away in different directions)) but church is one of the reasons. We like to see our church family and celebrating Christmas with them, but we also love to be able to serve at Christmas, esp as we know that many others can't commit at that time of year. Having said all of that - we have never signed up for anything more than a week or two in advance! Even when I have been involved in speaking at the Christmas morning service it's only been planned a few weeks before - ditto Christmas Eve services.

I do understand that you are hurt, but their life is where they live - it's their home and they obviously have other family nearby too. Not everyone wants to be away from home at Christmas. We have been pressured many times to travel at Christmas to see family and when we have said that we want to spend Christmas at home, but they were always welcome to come and visit us, we have always been rebuffed as our families don't want to be away from home at Christmas! It works both ways!

I'd guess that for every family with relatives over having lovely cosy breakfasts in their pyjamas, there's another family having to dress for breakfast because MIL 'won't do' breakfast unless everyone is dressed, criticises the food, DH hides out upstairs to avoid doing anything, FIL monopolises the TV and you spend it stressed to hell and hissing instructions at the children.

Each to their own. But I don't see why people martyr themselves at Christmas entertaining people who'd clearly rather not be there.

and relaxing and my DC don’t really go together

That’ll be why. We all go to my PILs in the afternoon on Christmas Day, because they know that SIL and her brood can’t stay for more than 3 hours because they have to get back to their dog. It is not enjoyable to be around her children, as the rest of us have to spend the whole time trying to get more reasonable behaviour out of them. So PIL host dinner so that they feel they have a bit of control over the situation and they don’t have to say to SIL that they won’t be going to her house where it’s impossible to have a nice time.

I'd be getting the flags out grin. We have to spend EVERY Christmas with mil as she's on her own. I would love to have a Christmas day just us and dcs.

With that attitude, and in the not too distant future you'll be a widowed MIL, with DILS who will be wishing the same thing

I've always seen Christmas as a time to spend with extended family really, we've never had Christmas just us, and relaxing and my DC don't really go together! I'm sure it will be lovely though just the four of us, if a bit strange.

What do you normally do?

Tell them that the 27th doesn’t work for you as DH is back at work the next day and cancel their visit. You invited them for Christmas, they have declined, stuff em.

They were proabably put off at the thought of having to stay overnight, perhaps would've been OK with just a popping in for a short time.
Not everyone enjoys spending more than a few hours with young children. Especially at christmas when they're likely to be excitable and possibly overtired.

Maybe someone local has asked them too but they dont want to hurt your feelings that theyd rather spend the day elsewhere.

Is it that they would have to stay overnight?

Lots of people don't like staying away from home for various reasons - perhaps they have to sleep in their own bed, or maybe they need to get up in the night and that would be awkward.

I don't like staying at dsis's because she lives in a flat with a rule of no flushing the loo between 10pm and 7am - plus her bathroom gives straight onto the sitting room so visiting the loo involves much running of taps!

It’s their Christmas too, let them do what they want

Exactly. There's too much of having to do "what's expected" at Christmas. Everyone should be true to themselves and do what they want to do. I fail to see why the OP should be miffed - why should the OP force their own wishes onto other people? I don't think there's anything wrong with them making a counter-suggestion to come on a different day instead. It's a practical solution when there are competing demands on your time.

Everyone wins here. Go with the flow

So the reason you're upset is because it looks as though your ILs would rather spend Christmas Day itself with their own daughter and her children than your children.

I can see how that would be upsetting for you, yes.

But if that's what they want to do then there's not a lot you can do about it - your children will work out soon enough that they come lower down the pecking order in their grandparents' eyes, and the grandparents will have no one to blame for that but themselves.

If your DC already aren't that bothered about the ILs being there, then don't worry too much about it, although it does suck rather.

I would have thought this is becuase your PIL don't want to be staying over anywhere at Christmas itself, they want to be in their own beds and wake up in their own place at Christmas. They're happy to be with others at Christmas during the day - hence with your SIL because they're nearby - and happy to come and visit/stay with you around Christmas time but just don't want the hassle of staying somehwere over the festive day itself.

I'm older and feel the same way. I drive half-way across the country to be with family on Xmas day and do it all back again in the evening, making a round trip of some 350 miles in one day....I could stay but hate the very idea and would rather do the driving and come home.
It may be that your PIL aren't particularly favouring your SIL, it's just that they live nearer and don't involve an overnight to visit.....?

You’ll have to tell them 27th isn’t convenient as your dh has to work. He specially booked time off in alignment with these arrangements and his plans can not be changed. Suggest day before as compromise?

Thanks for the comments. We usually travel at Christmas to visit family so aren't at home. It's been this way for 15 years.

My DC aren't relaxing because of their ages - they need watching/attention. They don't really get any more excited on Christmas day than they do on other days tbh although maybe this year will be different. So I don't really see that it makes a huge difference to them travelling and staying a few days later in terms of finding the kids too much etc.

PIL don't usually get involved in the church and aren't particularly religious, they don't attend regularly and have never done anything like it before so I was quite surprised when they mentioned it initially.

I know it's their Christmas but we wouldn't ever see them or my parents or any of our siblings come to that at Christmas if we didn't do all the travelling... I suppose I should be glad they're coming at all, in the past two years they've visited about 5 times.

Ok update on this thread...

Surprise surprise they aren't helping at the church at Christmas. They aren't even GOING to church.

They are spending it with SIL who apparently invited them today 🙄

Both DP and I now will be working for some of the time they're here, oh well they'll have fun hanging out with the nanny.