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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that I will probably only have one lover

80 replies

Generallyok · 16/11/2017 23:15

DP and I have been together for 17 years. He is a good man but of recent times I have huge regret that I didn't live a little bit before settling down. I was a late developer and although I had a few boyfriends I didn't sleep with anyone else until I met my DP. We have 2 children together and I could never do anything to hurt them but recently I have been thinking more and more that staying monogamous for the rest of my life seems rather depressing. I know it sounds so wrong to admit and would never tell anyone in real life but forever seems too long in out short lives.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 17/11/2017 08:03

Might be worth taking some time to work out what you are actually unhappy about, OP?

Is it about a general sense that lives should pan out a certain way, that there is a tickbox list of 100 experiences you should have before you die, and that if you haven't had the same experiences as other people you have missed out?

Or is it a feeling that something is missing in the relationship you actually do have?

Because those two are very different things.

Chasingsquirrels · 17/11/2017 08:04

If you are happy don't waste your time regretting other paths you could have travelled.
And don't foretell the future - it has a nasty habit of crapping all over your expectations.

Joey7t8 · 17/11/2017 08:05

Very well put formerbabe. I would bet that there are a lot of people who won't admit it, but fondly remember the electrifying sex that they have had with short term or casual partners that weren't long term relationship material.

ferrier · 17/11/2017 08:12

I'll admit it Joey
Trouble is they can spoil you a bit!

Op - instead of regretting the past, decide what you're going to do about it.

Humpsfor20yards · 17/11/2017 08:12

I agree pink/former.

I think people are trying to be nice to op by saying 'you didn't miss much' - however, for me, the truth is regrets of things we didn't do is normal and that's ok. Acceptance is better than denial.

Moo678 · 17/11/2017 08:15

OP I completely understand. I met my husband at 21. I had one sexual relationship before him (it lasted three years and the sex was mediocre at best). My husband and I have been together 16 yrs, I love him and the sex is good and pretty adventurous although young children, pregnancy and breastfeeding all took their toll! It doesn't mean I don't wonder what it would be like though. It's exactly the same as the ladies on here who have had multiple partners saying how they wish they had married their first - you can only know if something is worth having once you've had it. YANBU.

upperlimit · 17/11/2017 08:19

What is with all the weird metaphors? Getting fat? Burnt porridge?

ONS can be plenty of fun if you aren't walking into them feeling short changed for your sex-traded-for-love hang-ups.

Oblomov17 · 17/11/2017 08:31

This is one of those wierd thoughts, that you can’t actually change.
Like wanting curly hair, when you don’t have it!
You just have to appreciate what you do have.

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2017 08:33

I slept with 3 previous boyfriends before i met dh. I guess if i hadnt i might be under the impression that i was missing out but the truth was i wouldn't have been.

Thetreesareallgone · 17/11/2017 08:34

OP I feel sad and I've had lots! Surprised so many people are selling the 'one man for life' stuff- yes, if you hit lucky aged 15 and end up with a sex god, great for you, but this isn't typical of anyone I know. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling a pang of sadness for what you might be missing out on.

rubums · 17/11/2017 09:32

Sex that is with casual encounters is just two minutes of squishy, squelchy noises

You've been doing it wrong then . I love having sex with new people!! Everyone is so different, different techniques, feel different, taste different to kiss etc! I feel sorry for you if all your casual encounters have been 120 seconds of 'squelching' .

Humpsfor20yards · 17/11/2017 10:03

Yes, this narrative of: my sex life was just terrible soulless one-night encounters until I met my DH and became multi-orgasmic is one I really don't recognize.

Humpsfor20yards · 17/11/2017 10:03

Yes, this narrative of: my sex life was just terrible soulless one-night encounters until I met my DH and became multi-orgasmic is one I really don't recognize.

Humpsfor20yards · 17/11/2017 10:04

I really really don't recognise it.

TammySwansonTwo · 17/11/2017 10:45

I've had 8 sexual partners. I was raped by one of them and sexually assaulted by three others. Personally while I can understand you feeling you may have missed out on something, that's not necessarily the case, but does imply you're not happy with your sex life as it is now. Sex with my DH is incredible in ways that short term sexual relationships were definitely not. He knows how to please me and vice versa, and sex is completely different when you completely trust someone and know them intimately. Personally I wouldn't let this get to you, but work on things with your husband if you're not satisfied. I'd happily forego all of my previous experiences if I had my time again!

ProperLavs · 17/11/2017 14:34

I've had lots of quality short term relationships and great sex with them too.
I'm really glad that I've slept with a variety of men, some great, some ok, some shit. The great ones have been differently great.
Are we still peddling the idea that it is better for women to be sexually timid, not seek adventures and partners?

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2017 14:49

So what do you think the OP should do Lavs ditch her child and husband and go off on a sexual adventure? Start cheating? She may have enjoyed sex with multiple partners, she may have fely meh about it or she may have had a truly awful experience. Or a mixture of all 3. Fact is, she's married now and its no more true or helpful to tell her she's made a big mistake than to say that only sex with your eventual husband can be any good.

Barbaro · 17/11/2017 15:01

I wish I had met my current boyfriend before my last one. My ex was my first and the man who raped me too. Wish I had only been with my boyfriend as sex with him is amazing, it wasn't good with the ex even when it was consensual. But can't change that.

ProperLavs · 17/11/2017 15:01

Not at all. I am just balancing the views. it saddens me that as women we are still praised for having as few sexual partners as possible. having sexual partners is not just about searching for great sex, so that we can hopefully find Mr right and settle down it's about experiencing variety and adventure.
The OP is lucky she has a decent dp and a decent sex life I also get that she is rueful about not having had the experiences that others enjoy.
I will most likely never have enough money to travel the world, that makes me sad, I don't think that others shouldn't do it though.

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2017 15:21

I dont think others are saying that women shouldn't have more than 1 sexual partner (at least I'm not). Just that multiple partners doesn't guarentee lots of or even any more great sex than 1.

sunshineinabag · 17/11/2017 15:24

Sorry to go against the grain but meaningless sex is a lot of fun and it often isnt meaningless. Even a very brief hook up where you only end up seeing each ither 2 or 3 times can be quite weirdly tender. Like ships in the night. You can feel.a lot of tenderness for a stranger and look at them in the morning light and wonder what they'll go on to experience in life. And then you never see them again.

Sex outside of a deep loving relationship can also give you the room to be who you really are in a way. Its difficult to explain. Its like your essence takes over, without any of the years of knowledge or expectation or familiarity colouring who you are.

My love and sex life has often be a twisted and convoluted path to be honest, and i have to admit, there are times ive hurt people or theyve hurt me, out of carelessness, out of any number of reasons. In those moments, feeling alone and a bit at sea, i have wished to be the kind of person who had met the one early and stuck with him.

But in my more rational moments, i know that isnt really true, and that i dont regret a thing as the cliche goes. Im glad to have had a huge range of experiences and slept with lots of different types of men. Their differences spilled over to the kinds of discussions we had, the kinds of insights i had, the different thinks we did outside of the bedroom. I think it built up my self knowledge and also my empathy. At the end of the day we are all just organisms and our time will come and go.

skyrlover · 17/11/2017 15:41

Maybe this is TMI ... But today I've been with my third partner. It wasn't truly meaningless as we're in love, he's also the fittest, and most sexually attracted to I've ever been with... The sex was miles better than with the other two... And one was my first love and the other one my stbxh.so the bottom line is that it's normal to feel that way and IMO you do need experience to know what you like in the bedroom

juddyrockingcloggs · 17/11/2017 16:20

I have been with my husband since I was 17, married since very early 20s, he is the only man I have ever had sex with or in fact anything sexual at all.

He is 8 years older than me and I am certainly not the only person he has been with and that’s fine! He is happy with our sex life as am I whilst knowing that realistically I have nothing to compare it to!

Of course, there have been times that I have wondered what it would be like to be with another man but that’s all it has ever been ‘wondering’!

I have many friends with colourful pasts and I think that’s great too, whatever works for them but it wouldn’t work for me!

Whilst there is nothing that I wouldn’t do with my husband, I just don’t want to do with that with anyone other than him, I trust him totally and vice versa. I love that!

It should be for a woman to decide if she’s happy to sleep with one man for the rest of her life or a thousand it shouldn’t matter other than to them.

Do you think this is a passing ‘niggle’ or something that’s gonna grow the further down the line?

FritzDonovan · 26/11/2017 20:30

I understand what you're saying completely OP. Before I got together with now dh id had one sexual partner, he'd had a few. A few years in, he decided that wasn't enough for him, as men should have more sp than women. Along with other related stuff, that has caused untold damage to our relationship even now, with DC.
Bit late for you (and me) now, but my advice to anyone (including my DC) would be to have more experience before settling down. Possibly is more chance of having a dp who's less likely to have a roving eye...

Ethylred · 26/11/2017 20:41

I have had absolutely fabulous meaningless, brainless sex, sex where our spinal columns just fused.
And I've had the other kind, the officially Mumsnet approved kind.
Frankly it's all good.

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