Who is BU me or xh

[Namechangingfornow123]

I discovered a few weeks ago that xh has been using an unsuitable car seat for dc. Dc outgrew this car seat over 18 months ago. He cant even sit back fully, has to sit at an angle, and the straps do not even go over his shoulders, they hang under his arms. I am disgusted that he has been travelling on dangerous roads like this for so long. After asking him 4 times to get a new one he has agreed. He bought a second hand one. I have previously explained this is not recommended and not safe. When I reminded him of this he changed his story and said actually his sibling had given it to him. Siblings child is only slightly older and barely taller than our dc. So he wouldn't be moving on to the next group seat yet. Obviously he is lying so he won't have to spend 35 quid on his children.

Aibu to insist he buys a new seat. He's not stuck for money, regular holidays and all designer clothes for himself.

YANBU and I had a similar issue with my exh taking our 8 year old in a car with no seating a regular basis. I told him contact would be stopped unless he sorted it out. He now makes them get a hour and a half bus instead of spending the 20ish pounds to get a booster seat 🙄

You are really not being unreasonable. He's made it crystal clear how much he thinks of his kids. This kind of thing gives me the rage, it really does.

Your xh it bu but I doubt that he’s going to listen to you! Second hand seats are generally thought to be unsafe as you have no idea whether they have been involved in some sort of impact. The chances are that the second hand seat he has bought is unlikely statistically to have been involved I car accident but you have no guarantee. If you are concerned you may have to buy a second one yourself and ask him to use that.

Glad to hear I'm not. He has a way of talking down to me that makes me feel petty and ridiculous. And the lies too. I'm tempted to say if he doesn't have a shiny new seat with tags still on (so I know it's new) the dcs will not be going.
Though that would probably please him as the dcs are such an inconvenience to him lately anyway.

Red I am considering that. I know what you mean, I've been telling myself it's probably fine, but I'd like to know for sure.
Sickens me to have to pay for it though he never puts his hand in his pocket for them.

I wouldn’t want them going anyway if he’s acting like they’re an inconvenience.

I’d jist tell him NEW car seats or they’re not going. End of.

You're ex is an arse but you can't stop contact because he's using a second hand car seat.

YANBU. Ask for the money and say you will buy it.

Find footage of what happens in a car accident. Crash test dummies.

I know it’s sickening when you see them lavishing money on themselves and won’t pay for essentials for their own dc but he’s not going to change and you can’t force him to, unfortunately (thumb screws should be allowable imho but sad to say...)

Thanks. I think I will tell him to get one or they won't be going. And prepare to buy one myself when he refuses.

Is there a court order in place? YABU to stop contact over this.

I don't think op is unreasonable at all to stop contact over this- it's safety. If he insists on putting the dc at risk, which he has by using an unsuitable and unsafe car seat for so long, he clearly has so clue as to how to keep them safe, so is a risk to dc.
No new car seat, no go. My ex asked me to find the safest car seat for ds (he works, I had time to research at home). I sent him a link, two days later he installed new seat. No cost would have stopped him, because he cares for our child's safety and wants the best for him. Ops ex can't say the same, clearly!

Not unreasonable to stop contact at all if the children are not safe being looked after by their dad. Social worker once told me that while ex has contact with our children the onus is on me as their mother to not allow him to take them on a contact Day if for any reason I think they won't be safe. An unsafe car seat is legitimate reason. Children have died in car crashes because they haven't been in the correct seat.

Obviously he needs to be using the correct car seat for weight/age/height of the DC, that is paramount for safety terms.

But I'm not sure that you could stop contact because he has bought a second hand car seat. It is highly recommended that second hand car seats are not used as you're unaware of the history of them (i.e. Whether they have been involved in a car accident) but it's not illegal to buy or use them.

YANBU. Surely you can refuse to let them in he car?

Loublue I see where you are coming from, but it is a one hour journey on dangerous roads (not in uk). I am not stopping contact just asking that he does his best to keep them safe. There is no court order he just picks them up for a few hours when it suits him. Won't commit to anything. But I would feel the same if there was a court order..

Stopping contact for this reason is NOT unreasonable - it is a safety issue and he has a duty to ensure their safety. If he’s unwilling to do that then they shouldn’t be left in his care. Stick to your guns on this!

Whilst a second hand seat isn't ideal I would trust a £35 new one even less than a second hand leading brand seat...

Thank you, I'm relieved to see most people think it's reasonable. I don't wish to stop contact, but he has had long enough to sort it.

Found one in halfords for 30 euro. Even rang to see if they are in stock. I have contacted his parents and they have agreed to fork out for it.

This man is 35 years old.

Turnaround would they not have to be up to certain standards and meet eu regs?

All new car seats are BSI tested. A new one can be trusted whatever the price. A second hand one cant.

Take out a trial of which for £1 and take a look at the quality range. Car seat regs are ridiculously low (although slowly improving). Not sure if the "Halford" own brand ones have been tested or even what brand they really are, but they're around the same price and look a similar quality to the Kiddicare own brand / supermarket ones that caused a scandal a few years back with 0% Which ratings - anything under 40% is a "don't buy".

Whatever you buy do a little research first not on customer reviews but safety reviews from Which or similar.

And don't just ask Halfords
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=amp.theguardian.com/money/2012/jun/20/car-seat-retailers-poor-advice&ved=0ahUKEwjq68Dy1cXXAhWkBcAKHY5VARg4ChAWCIABMAM&usg=AOvVaw0dEbGKBHzSNvbvC4LqBZm4&ampcf=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=amp.theguardian.com/money/2012/jun/20/car-seat-retailers-poor-advice&ved=0ahUKEwjq68Dy1cXXAhWkBcAKHY5VARg4ChAWCIABMAM&usg=AOvVaw0dEbGKBHzSNvbvC4LqBZm4&ampcf=1

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/your-childs-car-seat-safe-6603337.amp&ved=0ahUKEwi52KG21sXXAhVFIMAKHdmgCmYQFgg5MAI&usg=AOvVaw0UaSbakJDPiaLj70WrYH40&ampcf=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/your-childs-car-seat-safe-6603337.amp&ved=0ahUKEwi52KG21sXXAhVFIMAKHdmgCmYQFgg5MAI&usg=AOvVaw0UaSbakJDPiaLj70WrYH40&ampcf=1

I'd take a second hand Maxi-Cosi (or similar) that I knew the history of over a new Halfords own brand any day of the week. Although would prefer to buy new.

I agree that a new cheap one is better than any second hand one. It’s not just whether it’s been in an impact that makes a difference - the plastic degrades over time as well

I have previously explained this is not recommended and not safe.

When he's in charge he decide's what's safe. What you think doesn't matter.

In theory anyway. In practise you may be able to get your way by force, including the threat of withholding contact. This is true regardless of whether your reasons for wanting to get your way are reasonable. So it doesn't matter whether you're reasonable, do whatever works and you can get away with.

I disagree with the whole of Mumsnet on the subject of car seats. It is not "unsafe" to go without one altogether. Just "less safe", which is nowhere near being the same thing.

I don't get this idea that the parent with contact decides what's safe for the child.