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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can one accidentally be the school gate alpha mum?

59 replies

PeekabooPoo · 15/11/2017 23:09

Today I was accused (in a very friendly way) of being the school gate alpha mum/clique leader for my dds year group

I am baffled as I honestly thought that

a) these beings only existed on mumsnet,
b) I never really actually organise anything,
c) I don't belong to the PTA which seems to be a prerequisite on mumsnet

d) they tend to have fabulous swishy hair and mine is lucky to be brushed before the morning school run,
e) I don't think I'm Machiavellian enough,

So aibu to feel slightly put out that I've got this label?

OP posts:

toomuchtooold · 16/11/2017 06:05

guinea, choli, one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse is that it's done in such a way as to make the victim doubt and blame themselves. Victims can spend years of their lives fighting their own depression, anxiety, self harm and substance abuse issues while continuing to devote time and energy to the parents who abused them and continue to abuse them and their grandchildren in turn. It is really fucking hard to identify this in your own life and for many people it can be like a bereavement as they acknowledge that they will never have the loving family of origin they have tried so hard to create around them. Yes, Mumsnet does seem to have a concentration of people like us, I'm really glad that it is a place where victims of emotional abuse can finally find someone who understands and start on the long road to recovery, and I'd really, really love it if you didn't come on and imply that we're all bandwagon-jumping attention seekers.

MsFrancis · 16/11/2017 06:37

Yanbu that's a silly thing to say.

Believeitornot · 16/11/2017 06:40

She said it in a friendly way....

Do you make an effort to include people? When was the last time you had a new Mum join the group?

If there’s no inkling of truth, why post in AIBU?

pictish · 16/11/2017 06:43

I was once similarly accused of alpha mumosity in a lighthearted fashion. Like you I don't organise anything, am not on the PTA and while I do have a handful of preferred pals to chat to (and who doesn't?), I'm not in the least bit cliquey. I'm friendly to everyone and (I have been told) very approachable.
I think what the person really meant is that I'm outgoing and that people seem to like me. I'm nothing like an alpha mum or a social climber...I'm genuinely just chatty and interested in and have time for people. I think the woman concerned is more self-conscious and worried about what people think of her than I am. I'm a 'take me or leave me' type of person so it's easy for me to make conversation as I don't really mind either way.
I just laughed the comment off. I'm friendly and inclusive to people so I have nothing to worry about. Her issue, not mine.

Taffeta · 16/11/2017 06:47

I’d say it’s a negative comment - especially as it was said “in a friendly way”.

Also suspect there’s more to this than you’re letting on - never really organise anything etc.

Wormysquirmy · 16/11/2017 06:51

I'm guessing she isn't school gate "clique" and feels left out.

It's a lonely old place, the school gate, if you aren't in a little group and you are on the shy side

I think she is implying, rightly or wrongly, that you have a nice group of mum's that isn't particularly inclusive to others!

Whatsoccuringlovely · 16/11/2017 06:55

Best approach to fhe School gates is to arrive just in time and then leave.

These people don’t have to be your friends you just randomly had babies st the sane time.

If anyone talks in this way steer clear as they are obviously a trouble maker. No one normal in rl talks of alpha mums and cliques. Childish nonsense. Ignore her.

Ilovelampandchair · 16/11/2017 06:55

I think that you have to consider that for her to have even said it, she's insecure and possibly struggling. I'd work from there.

BalloonSlayer · 16/11/2017 07:09

My boss is friends with an alpha who has a " famous" cheese and wine party every year.

Is the alpha Hyacinth Bucket?

brasty · 16/11/2017 09:37

If I have actual friends, then I will talk to them. Its 15 or 20 mins outside the school. Why shouldn't I talk to actual friends?

Ilovelampandchair · 16/11/2017 10:45

I love cheese and wine parties! Didn't realise they were to be sneered at😫

Taffeta · 16/11/2017 11:38

I love wine and I love cheese but am less keen on Hyacinth Buckets.

Cheese and wine events seem to be PTA events round here. Parties are just parties. Always with wine. Sometimes with cheese.

mybestfriendisadog · 16/11/2017 11:44

ahem what's wrong with being on the PTA? It's not so much a clique as a rump at DD's school - nobody wants to do it, we're not cliquey, we're desperate! There is nothing sexy about being a pta mummy these days, no bugger wants to do it. Perhaps you should join the pta op?

LMAO at the idea that a lot of PTAs are forbidding cliques staffed by the swishy of hair and clicky of heel.

mybestfriendisadog · 16/11/2017 11:46

and I agree with lamp insecure and struggling for the commenter - perhaps include her in a few non-PTA events :)

irregularegular · 16/11/2017 11:48

I think it depends on how it was said. In some contexts it could definitely be a compliment. She may just been that you are confident and popular - people want to be friends with you. It doesn't have to mean anything nasty at all!

TSSDNCOP · 16/11/2017 11:55

You forgot tinkly laugh "mybestfriend".

I agree with Pictish.

Originalfoogirl · 16/11/2017 12:12

I reckon some might see me as an "alpha mum." In the morning I greet all the children who rush up to talk to my daughter and chat with them, I speak with their parents if they happen to be there with their children and I know all her friends mums by name. I am in the playground till the staff come out to bring the kids in (not generally allowed by the school) I host playdates with alarming regularity. I am constantly in the school talking to the staff and more often than not I am parent helper on school trips. I haven't joined the PTA but do help out where I can.

Now, lets look at the other side. I HAVE to accompany my daughter to the door because of her disability, she is at risk in the playground so needs to have an adult there. I know all the children and their parents because they have all been to my house often because my daughter's disability means many of her friend's houses are not suitable. The other parents I've had to make a real effort to know because our kids are good friends and I have to know they are happy to have her over and know what they need to do for her. I am in the school regularly sorting out whatever the most current issue around her disability is and I am a parent helper on most trips because otherwise they would have to use their ever shrinking ASN resource to send with her on the trip. I help out with the PTA because the school are so damned good at providing the right support and bend over backwards to help despite there being a small pot of money for them to do so, that I feel it is only right I give something back.

If all that makes me Alpha mum, I'll take that title. I'm actually so distracted in the mornings, trying to get her to school and me to work, I couldn't care less who says what!

Dahlietta · 16/11/2017 12:22

I agree with pictish too, but I must add that I find it quite an odd concept that anything 'only exists on Mumsnet'. They're chat boards - surely mainly people talking about their experiences of life?

Babybauble · 16/11/2017 12:26

I don't get this school gate business. Talk to who you like, if people don't talk to me I don't feel left out as I don't know them and I dont care. The idea of school gate cliques probably derives from past school memories and being left out imo.

WesternMeadowlark · 16/11/2017 12:41

toomuchtooold I agree.

Also, "narcissist" in the context of abuse doesn't mean someone with NPD, it means an abuser of the narcissistic type. People mistakenly using "NPD" interchangably with that doesn't invalidate "narcissist" as a useful term.

And even the two were interchangable, the stats I've seen on NPD suggest it's present in around 1% of the population, which is far from rare. One in every hundred people you meet is actually pretty common if you're talking about something with so much destructive potential. It's only using a percentage that makes it seem like a small number.

Add that to the fact that people only tend to post for advice when something is wrong, and to the fact that each abuser usually has multiple victims.

It's really not strange that there are so many people talking about it on forums where relationships are frequently being discussed, nor at all implausible that most of them are being honest and proportionate.

Sorry for the tangent, OP.

Bigthoughtswoman · 16/11/2017 12:48

Perhaps she was trying to nicely insult you ?

Catalufa · 16/11/2017 12:56

If she said it in a friendly way I would take this basically as a compliment (albeit a slightly barbed one). I’d see it just as meaning that you are outgoing and chatty and seem to ‘know everyone’ (do you have older DC at the same school by any chance?). None of these are bad things! Maybe she is a little jealous?

whiskyowl · 16/11/2017 13:11

It could be a passive-aggressive comment. It could be someone trying to give a lovely compliment about how socially central and organised you are!

Only you know the person, the context, the way it was said, and their form!

littlebird7 · 16/11/2017 13:11

Well I would watch out for her, she is not in a good place, despite her new age lifestyle.

Almost certainly jealous of your good looks with no effort, confidence and you are obv well liked so she has just labelled you (which is not such a spiritual thing to do) Ignore her, do not give it another thought. Almost certainly the insecurity is on her part. Be ready with a joke if she says it again.
Along the lines of ..

If am an alpha Mum what does that make you? lightly and give her a wink. Too childish to give it her any kind of oxygen.

Changednamejustincase · 16/11/2017 13:16

School gate alpha mum? Is this a forum for 12 year olds?

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