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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH has an abusive parenting style?

38 replies

andimsick · 15/11/2017 21:02

Sitting helping DD (9) do maths homework. She is creating the usual fuss; doesn’t read the questions, expects to be drip fed the answer.
I ask her to listen and participate in her homework and she responds with a strop and answers back. I give her a warning that she decides to ignore so tell her that my help is withdrawn and for her to leave the room.

My DH interjects with “get to your room you horrible little girl” and “I did buy you ice cream but you’re not getting any now”.
Once DD has gone I tell him that his contribution was childish, abusive and uncalled for.

A big argument has now followed - was I in the wrong to criticise his parenting?

It was all said in a shouty tone and he wasn’t involved with the homework so why jump in with the immature comments. I find it so irritating.

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 15/11/2017 21:05

Irritating, immature and uncalled for? Yes. Abusive? No

user1497357411 · 15/11/2017 21:06

I just hate back seat parenting. He was out of line.

Branleuse · 15/11/2017 21:07

Its not ideal but its not abusive

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 21:08

He is BU to call her HORRIBLE.

What a nasty thing to say to a little girl!

Awful parenting.

ByThePowerOfRa · 15/11/2017 21:09

Not good, but I don’t think this taken on it’s own is abusive. If it’s part of a pattern, which hasn’t been mentioned in the op, then maybe.

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/11/2017 21:13

I don't like things like "you horrible little..." because instead of saying "I feel cross/upset that you chose to do x" it's saying to a child that they're horrible. Define what you're cross about, certainly, but don't accuse DCs of being horrible or awful or anything else negative while they're young. It's being unkind just for the sake of unkindness.

Your DH was rude to her but perhaps he was frustrated with how she'd spoken to you. Instead of arguing, work out a plan for how you'll deal with it next time as a united front.

Crumbs1 · 15/11/2017 21:15

Horrid to call him abusive. Maybe he was irritated that negotiations took so long and was trying to be supportive. The odd bellow does a nine year old no great harm.

kaytee87 · 15/11/2017 21:16

He sounds like a twat op. Is he often like this?

If he was trying to support you a simple ‘don’t be rude to your mother, she’s trying to help you’ would have sufficed. Instead he was nasty to a child.

Bananamanfan · 15/11/2017 21:20

"You horrible little girl" is an awful and damaging thing to say. She will think this is what her dad thinks of her and won't forget it.
"You are behaving horribly, go to to your room" is so so different and would have been acceptable imo.

Crabstick · 15/11/2017 21:20

You sound a bit of a push over and your DH sounds frustrated, not abusive.

Original poster
andimsick · 15/11/2017 21:32

Perhaps abusive is too strong a term.
I don’t think he spoke up out of support for me, rather he was more irritable that she was kicking up a fuss when he’s winding down from work.
I’m tired too but if I’m helping with homework (always) then I don’t appreciate (as one PP termed) the back seat parenting. If it’s irritating him that much then help out with homework for once.
I’m finding he’s less discipline more punishment.
He seems to go straight from 0 - 10 with no warning and the use of ‘horrible little’ wasn’t appropriate (not sure if it ever is) to the scenario.

OP posts:
RagingFemininist · 15/11/2017 21:36

I wouod have a major issue iwth that sort of comment.
The ‘horrible littl girl’ is the best way to destroy her self esteem and teach her to believe she is worth nothing/not good enough etc...
He clearly needs a lesson is praising/criticing the behaviour NOTbthe person.

The stuff about the ice cream is basically blackmailing. And telling her she isn’t ‘good enough’ to get a treat. Noth8ng to do with a punishment as there was no warning or space for her to modify her behaviour before the ‘sanction’ fell.
It feels like the aim was to hurt her. Something along the lines of ‘you did someth8ng I didn’t like therefore I’m going to be not very nice and hurt in a way I know you will feel’

RagingFemininist · 15/11/2017 21:38

And yes, maybe he needs to actually DO some parenting. So maybe actually help with the homework rather than ‘winding down from qork’, parent his dd rather than just shout at her. And learn to support you rather than the back seat parent8ng he is doing, which actually undermines you.

Mamabear4180 · 15/11/2017 21:47

'Horrible little girl' is emotionally abusive and damaging to her self esteem. Sounds like he lost his temper, maybe he's sick of her answering back and being rude to you. Maybe you're a bit soft OP? It sounds like a more constructive conversation is needed when you're both calmer.

HumphreyCobblers · 15/11/2017 21:47

I agree, it was a spectacularly unhelpful comment in the situation. And a nasty one.

He lashed out at his daughter in a mean way. Pretty grim.

harrypotternerd · 15/11/2017 22:04

the comment about her being horrible was uncalled for. I feel your pain OP, my son is like that with homework too. Your DH should have (if you felt it appropriate to step in) said if you need to be told again you will not be getting the ice cream, please listen to your mum' etc. My son has autism and sometimes he can get really full on, if it is getting too much or I am getting too angry I will tell my DP and he will step in. Maybe have a talk and ask if he can only step in if you ask?

blackteasplease · 15/11/2017 22:06

I think it's definitely bad parenting. My ex h would certainly go in for things like the second comment.

FlowerPot1234 · 15/11/2017 22:07

andimsick

expects to be drip fed the answer. I ask her to listen and participate in her homework

You ask your 9 year old child to participate in their own homework? Shock

Perhaps your DH can't believe your 9 year old child isn't doing their homework and is appalled at the rudeness and disrespect she showed you. YABU.

Floellabumbags · 15/11/2017 22:11

I'm not exactly parent of the year material and I'm a right shouty bugger but I always make it clear that it's the behaviour rather than the child that is unacceptable. It's so important for their self esteem.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 15/11/2017 22:27

If he regularly calls her names like that then it is abuse imo. As a one off that came out wrong and is apologised for then no.

Iris65 · 15/11/2017 22:28

According to psychologists abusive behaviour occurs as a pattern over time:

Besharov, Douglas J. (1990). Recognizing child abuse: a guide for the concerned. New York Toronto New York: Free Press Collier Macmillan Maxwell Macmillan

If your DH repeatedly behaves this way then it does sound abusive as it may affect your daughter's emotional wellbeing.

crazycatlady5 · 15/11/2017 22:30

I’d be furious if my husband called my daughter a horrible little girl. Cannot best this kind of lazy parenting.

MuncheysMummy · 15/11/2017 22:45

I hope you take on board when I say this...my dad was that sort of parent and said hateful nasty things like that to me as a child and teenager,I genuinely grew up believing he didn't like me at all and just tolerated me as that's what parents do. I had a 'normal' some might say slightly privileged upbringing (my dad showed affection by buying us things) but I genuinely have low self esteem/worth from this and it culminated in a massive fallout one holiday as an adult (my DH was with us!) where I told him I knew how he felt and that I felt the same about him! He cried and he was devastated that I thought that,he just says things he doesn't mean in temper then can't say sorry and now realises what he did but it took 30 years to get there! Don't let your DH chip away at her until she hates him and doesn't bother trying to gain his praise/respect/pride he will ruin their relationship.

BahHumbygge · 15/11/2017 22:59

Label the behaviour, not the child. Stuff like this could well seriously erode her self esteem and manifest in behavioural/emotional problems in later years Sad

Topseyt · 15/11/2017 23:03

He was OTT and out of order. You weren't wrong to pull him up on it.

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