To think my DH has an abusive parenting style?

[andimsick]

Sitting helping DD (9) do maths homework. She is creating the usual fuss; doesn’t read the questions, expects to be drip fed the answer.
I ask her to listen and participate in her homework and she responds with a strop and answers back. I give her a warning that she decides to ignore so tell her that my help is withdrawn and for her to leave the room.

My DH interjects with “get to your room you horrible little girl” and “I did buy you ice cream but you’re not getting any now”.
Once DD has gone I tell him that his contribution was childish, abusive and uncalled for.

A big argument has now followed - was I in the wrong to criticise his parenting?

It was all said in a shouty tone and he wasn’t involved with the homework so why jump in with the immature comments. I find it so irritating.

I don't think in isolation it is abusive.

I do think it is reactionary and spectacularly unhelpful and uncalled-for.

Sympathies, OP. My DH & I sometimes struggle with the difference in our perceptions of how to handle situations like these you and I are right

My DC2 would be quite happy for me to withdraw help. She doesn't care if the homework isn't done. Only threats and bribery sometime work. It can be very trying.

You seem to be asking whether he was wrong to behave as he did. On the basis of what you do say, it's so clear that he was that I wonder why you're even asking.

The ‘horrible littl girl’ is the best way to destroy her self esteem and teach her to believe she is worth nothing/not good enough etc...

It's an extreme comment. However, what are the alternatives?

"Your behaviour is horrible" : will a child of 9 tell the difference?

"I dislike your behaviour" : doesn't really get the point across imo.

I suppose you could say "I am finding your issues problematic" instead, and get a blank state from the child, but isn't it better to call genuinely bad behaviour out for what it is?

See how your dd behaves tomorrow. You talk about 'the usual' bad behaviour. It doesn't sound as if your method is working.

Whilst on the whole it wasn’t s great thing to say and doesn’t really help the situation. Threats involving “no icecream” are very effective in our house!

Agree that if this was not a completely rare one-off, then it is abusive.

It is a horrible thing to say even as a one-off, and it doesn't sound like a typical loss of temper phrase, but more of the kind of thing that he has heard many times himself somewhere. And shouting over you in a situation that he was not directly involved in does not support a genuine loss of temper, but rather a deliberate show of anger and power.

My parents said this kind of thing to me, and I was not a horrible child, and they definitely would qualify as abusive!!

He seems to go straight from 0 - 10 with no warning

Yes, if it's habitual this is abusive, it undermines you, and of course it is lazy, lazy, lazy. Even if not habitual, it's an abusive incident. It is indeed a show of anger and power as Kinkajoukid says. (It's neither discipline nor punishment, in other words, but just throwing his weight around in order to dominate).

He needs to butt out when you have the situation in hand.
He should not call the child names, but should address the behaviour. He should not put the boot in and withdraw a promised treat when he was not involved at all in the leadup to the incident.

If he can't, then you need to schedule relationship counseling (unless he tries the same tack with you, in which case, do not go to counseling together).

You might like to buy "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven.

(This is beside the point here, but if DD can't do the maths homework, you need to tell the teacher - do not go through the nightly circus of trying and failing to explain it to her yourself. The teacher needs to figure out what DD does and does not understand, and try to find a way to help her understand the material. Homework should not be such a struggle).

Toadinthehole

You talk to the child beforehand about the sort of behaviour you want to see while she tries the homework. You tell her that you understand she feels frustrated when she can't remember or understand how it was done in school. You tell her you hope if the two of you put your heads together you will figure it out and she may feel better. You tell her that you feel frustrated too, when she appears not to be listening, but just getting angry.

You ask if she is able to relax and try the homework. If not, then tell her to come back when she is ready. When she's ready, ask her if she will say something in her indoor voice like, "I am feeling overwhelmed/frustrated/angry," or, "I need a little break," when that feeling starts to build, and tell her you will take a break and then return when she is calm again. You can also use the same approach if you need a break - it is important to acknowledge you have feelings here too. This prep should all take approximately 2 minutes.

Shake on it, sound encouraging, then start by asking her to show you what the work is all about. Ask her to try to explain what she knows. Ask her what in particular she is having problems with. Try to explain the material. Work together. Smile, nod, be encouraging.

Talk to her some time when there is no maths homework looming over her about her feelings about her competence in maths. Tell her many people find it hard but making an honest effort is what counts, not whether it's all right or wrong. Tell her you hope she feels she can talk to you about her frustrations and thank her if she has managed to share anything.

It's important to be able to verbalise how everyone feels in this situation. You are not going to succeed in making any progress while the maths is front and centre and the child's feelings are going unheard. So much of getting on top of maths comes from children's positive feelings about themselves and their potential to become competent at it. It's really important to encourage a child's feeling that their parent appreciates the effort and that the end result is not all that important while it is all being worked on.

Girls are especially prone to problems with arithmetic because it is all 'right or wrong' at this stage, and they want to be 'right'. They tend not to be socialised to be risk takers and place great value on the perceived approval of the teacher that comes from being 'right' - they confuse getting sums right with being in the good books of the teacher. Maybe encourage laughter when things go wrong, when DD gets covered in mud from head to toe, when an umbrella gets swept off by the wind and you get drenched, when you burn a cake or forget to add sugar or whatever.

Get DD involved in an activity outside of school where she can take risks and be knocked down and get up again. Martial arts are ideal for promoting resilience in a safe environment.

But I would still talk to the teacher about this too OP, all the same.

Your husband is trying to help, but he isn't. Like people have said, he must label the behaviour, not the child. Her behaviour may be horrible for a couple of moments, but she isn't. She is actually his little girl, his precious daughter. Would he be happy if someone else spoke like this to her? -the neighbour, her teacher, some other child's mother? I bet he would be furious! Then he shouldn't say it either. You are right to intervene, because she is your little girl too.
More importantly though are the difficulties you are having with her doing her homework. Her teacher is supposed to give her homework she should be able to do, without your active involvement. Instead of doing it with her, set up a new routine where she gets on with it by herself for the amount of time the teacher expects her to work on it (at her age this should not be long25-30 mins).
Set up a special homework area in the room, and make a bit of a fuss about big girls getting peace and quiet to do their very important homework. Make sure you are around but not actively engaged with the tasks she is doing, because you know she can do fine on her own. Praise her for trying as often as you can.

She could ask you a question or two, but essentially she is doing it herself rather than being 'drip fed'. Tell her she will finish in 30mins and allow her to stop then, regardless of how much she has done or whether the work is correct and sign it to say she spent 30mins on it. Her teacher will get a more accurate reflection of what she can and can't do if she is really struggling, the two of you can work together to support her.
I am sorry that you being a proactive parent and helping with her homework caused lots of upset. Perhaps with a fresh look at the routine, you can stop all the negativity around it and prevent a repeat of all that happened today. Best of luck!

My Dad was like this. I’m still damaged by it now, at 33.

I remember often asking “What have I done wrong??” and my Dad would respond by saying “Breathed...!”

Everything mathanxiety said

Don't like "horrible little girl" He shouldn't have said that.

Don't have a problem with withholding ice cream.

Puzzled by "participate in homework".

No el see your DD throws strops, she must be mimicking your DH!