Bit of a long one, I'm afraid, don't want to drip feed.
DD (10) has BF whose mum has a long-term chronic illness, which has got worse over the past couple of months. I totally feel for her - she's lost her job, partner and leads a very limited life while struggling to take care of her DDs. Her DD is lovely and has been besties with my DD for around 5 years. She stays with us quite often, especially recently when her DM has been in hospital, and me and my DH have been helping out a lot with lifts to/from school.
I wouldn't necessarily class the mum as a friend, but have given her lots of moral support (as well as practical) over the last couple of years. She can be quite harsh and judgy of other people, and not someone I'd seek out as a friend.
So, the night before school term starts the mum is texting me to arrange lifts for her DD that week. Doesn't mention anything is wrong. Next day, after school, my DD is in floods of tears as her BF's DM has contacted school to complain about her and she was 'told off' by the teacher. BF's DD told teacher that my DD had said some 'horrific' things to her BF and my DD was basically told she had to be nice to her BF and do whatever she could to make her happy. To put this into context, my DD is the sweetest, kindest kid who wants to keep everyone happy and often does so at her own expense, so I'd been coaching her at home to stick up for herself a bit more and not feel responsible for all her friends' happiness, so what the teacher said contradicted this. I'm not being naive about my DD, she really is kind-hearted (I wouldn't necessarily say that about my DD2!!).
I was very surprised that her BF's DM didn't contact me directly about her DD being upset (I was aware they weren't getting on well before half term hols) and went straight to the school instead. Texted her suggesting I ask the school to sit both girls down to understand each others viewpoint and sort out their differences. The mum didn't want this to happen. Told her my DD was v upset and keen to talk things through but her BF always burst into tears and ran away when she tried, and that they both needed some help to vocalise their issues. The mum suggested Facetime, which we did but it ended badly....her BF was in tears, hysterical, and her DM ended the call stating my DD wasn't upset enough! Me and DD left speechless and not quite understanding what had gone so wrong.
My DH went in to speak to the teacher as my DD was worried that she'd be thought badly of and didn't know how to deal with the situation with her BF. Teacher was nice and understanding, and says she was v surprised at what she'd heard from BF's DM as she thought it wasn't in my DD's nature to say 'horrific' things. Anyway, next day the mum writes in a letter about the Facetime convo the girls had had (not sure what it said).
Haven't heard from the mum since, but have heard that she is v angry with me.
Lesson learned...never interfere in children's friendships! (they are friends again now). But who is being unreasonable? What should I do?