In not liking my Mum much?

[Bummybum]

I love her, I think. And I have respect for how she’s coped in the later years under very hard circumstances.

But, she left me when I was 7. She saw us weekends but still.

I’ve tried to work through that.

I have lots of brothers and they can do no wrong. One recently treated his long term girlfriend APPALLINGLY and my Mum didn’t say a word to him. In face said she probably deserved it.

I live abroad now and the last two christmases have come back to the UK (costing us a bloody fortune) only to be told “no I don’t want you (and ds and dh) here, it’s too much, just me and your brothers on the day.” Fast forward to this year and she’s gleefully talking about what a big Christmas they’re all spending together and all the fun things they’ll do.

And the little constant digs. Just in the last phone conversation I told her I’d bought a new hair curler and she said in a really snidey way “well all that says to me is you have too much time on your hands, must be nice to be you.”

And the constant digs about my weight.

And she seems so angry with how I parent ds. Talking about him choosing what cake he has for his birthday and she snorting and saying how ridiculous it is to let him choose, he doesn’t know he’s born.

Dh has always said he thinks she’s jealous that she is really struggling and sees my life as easy (sahm). I’ve refused to believe him but am starting to think that’s it. Or maybe she just really dislikes me, that’s how she acts. So why phone so often? And she seems to be very bitter and angry anytime I do anything nice for ds. She so sneery, spiteful and negative at everything we do.

I’m really sad. I’m sad her life hasn’t turned out as she wanted but I know I want the best for ds and would never begrudge him anything or act like this towards him.

I’ve been on the point of going nc a few time when she’s been particularly vicious but she always switches and become nicer for a while.

I really love her but I’m starting to hate her too. We make our own path in life obviously but I know at least some of my past depression and going off the rails is due to her treatment of me.

That was so rambling and long sorry. I’ve just had another ‘everything you do is shit’ conversation and I don’t want to speak to her for a long time.

YANBU.

Welcome to the world of knowing your parents aren't particularly nice people. There's a lot of us lurking on MN

Is it possible that she is jealous of your successful life as she can compare herself to you whereas she can't to your brothers as they are men?

But it doesn't sound like she is good for you or your family, so what do you gain from this relationship? You can still love her and pity her while recognising that she's a bad influence in your life, and withdrawing from her.

My mum is like this but on a milder level. It's definitely jealousy in my opinion, that's why your brothers aren't getting the same treatment. I would distance myself from her if I were you and make it clear to her the reason why.
What is your relationship like with your brothers? Could you visit them at Xmas?

Sack her off.

If she gives you more upset than happiness move on.

Apologies on my harshness, I cannot be done with people bringing me down. We all have struggles in life but people playing the victim don't deserve a place in my world.

Weird how she doesn’t seem to like women (you and DBs gf) but doesn’t seem to give your DS the same pedestal status.

Anyway, I would go vvvv low contact. And never give out information, just that you’re all fine, no news, nothings happening etc.

Protect your own mental health and don’t feel guilty.

Three of my brothers still live with her so couldn’t really visit without them.

I’ve tried to do the no information, grey rock thing. It’s so hard with her for some reason.

She has a very weird relationship with my Gran (her Mum). My Gran was always very cold to her and favoured my Uncle. Then when I was born my Gran was (and still is) all over me. Very affection, lots of kissing and cuddling. I’ve never once seen her be affectionate to my Mum. And I know my Gran’s Mum was the same to her. She was sent away in the war for years and it irreparably damaged their relationship.

We’re trying (after 4 years and fertility treatment it’s not likely to actually anyway) for another and part of me wants a girl so I can put past wrongs right and part of me would be petrified.

It’s really weird how she is so off with ds. Part of me thinks it’s because she only sees him briefly once a year and is trying to put up barriers.

I’ve recently come to the same conclusion, Sunday lunch was the nail in the coffin for me. Vvv low contact from now on - basically just facilitating a relationship with my kids.

My relationship with one of my brothers is nc, the others are ok ok but as they get older they’re starting to make the snidey little comments about my weight, what a crap parent I am etc. It’s sad to see them changing as they reach adulthood in to negative, judgmental and sometimes spiteful people as my Mum can sometimes be.

I used to feel sad I loved so far away, now I’m feeling like it’s a good thing.

Sounds like she is resentful you have turned out so lovely without a dm!! Are your db old enough to have left home but haven't? She is revelling in still being 'needed' and pushing you away as you don't. Lc or nc is the way to go. You owe it to your own little family to look after your mh and she will start chipping away at that before long.

I think low contact would also be good. Nc would get all of the rest of my family on my back. Being around dh’s family (who are no bloody angels) has made me realise how spiteful mine can be and it’s a bit of a shock!

My db are all over 25. She does everything she can to get them to stay at home.

She might be jealous of you (presumably) being a good parent to your ds and being able to SAH. I know my mum can be like yours in a much milder form, lots of people crave approval of their choices in life. I think my mum is jealous of the extra curricular we provide our dcs with, she won't comment much on their achievements in that area. I just largely ignore, easy because I'm not near them, but always feel emotionally exhausted when they've visited.

I have a very similar relationship with my own DM, so I totally sympathise, OP. Little digs, manipulation and put-downs wherever possible.

I went low contact a few years ago and have never looked back! Now we like each other’s fb posts, send an email or two per year and she sends a gift via Amazon for her GS birthdays. Since I’d take sedatives to visit her and panic when I knew she was calling, I’ve seriously never been happier. Good luck!

I'm a much better parent because I moved miles away, it took time though tbh, I think my mum is a fan of the divide and conquer approach to parenting and grandparenting!

After only reading the first quarter I can tell you, yanbu!
I would just cut her out and doesn't deserve you in her life.
My mother is difficult and getting worse the older she gets, stirs trouble between us all and doesn't see half of her children because she's fallen out with them. It's difficult.

Some women just seem to crave any attention from men and hate all other women as competition for that attention, regardless of who those people actually are.

It must be especially horrible for you with her being your mum but all you can do is work on letting go of the "big family acceptance events" that arent going to happen, and work on accepting who she is.

That may mean that you decide who she is isnt someone you really want in your life, and thats a totally acceptable call to make. Dont keep running yourself onto the spikes just because they are labelled "mum".

I like the spikes thing!

I know she thinks we are utterly ridiculous for limiting ds’s tv, watching what he eats, not letting her smoke around him.

And she’s been beyond vicious if I’ve told her he’s gone to a baby singing group or sensory play. You can hear the disgust and anger in her voice. It’s weird.

I wonder if its because she hates any reminder that you are being a better mum to him than she was, maybe she feels guilty and its coming out as anger?

Dh thinks it’s that. I used to tie myself in knots trying to figure it out but recently am more ‘fine, fuck it then’.

It may be that seeing you turning into a fantastic parent highlights how shit she was, she is reacting in a snide and sneering way, you really don't deserve that.

Sounds like living in another country is the best decision you've made! Enjoy your own DC and try not take it personally, she seems a bit broken, and that's not your fault.

I do honestly think it's jealousy and probably stems from her own mothers treatment of her.
Her mother was very cold to her whilst favouring your uncle, then when you were born she sees her mother being overly affectionate with you whilst feeling rejected herself. This I'm guessing in turn caused her to resent and reject you.

But having said that no matter what her issues are, you have done absolutely nothing to deserve this appalling treatment.

I personally would not be able to continue a relationship with someone who shows so much contempt and bitterness. She sounds like a nasty witch!

And yes living so far away will make it so much more easier to go LC/NC should you choose to go that route.
There's no point banging your head against a brick wall as your the only one who's going to get hurt.

Your parenting skills far exceed hers. But she's being nasty. Personally I'd be keeping her at a great distance from myself and anyone I cared for.
Social small talk when essential. Maybe a card. Any comments I'd tell her to shrug and tell her your just taking her lead.

OP you sound like a very nice person, a lovely mum and someone who has already accurately picked apart the reasons for your mum's treatment of you - none of these reasons are about you or your character. All of these issues are your mum's and she does not deserve to have you in her life. My only advice would be to keep her at arm's length, maybe avoiding a big bust-up as that will probably just stress you out, but recognise her for what she is - a woman with a lot of issues who says a lot of nasty things. By all means keep loose, infrequent contact with her but it is best that you don't expect too much of her or allow her to get under your skin. You have a happy life now with your little boy and your husband and you deserve to enjoy it without worrying about what she thinks of you.