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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to shake my husband awake

28 replies

strugglingtosleep · 15/11/2017 04:14

We’re currently living with the in laws and are all in one room

Dd woke up just under two hours ago and has fought going back to sleep ever since. I’ve been sat here trying to get her back to sleep with no offer of help from my husband, apart from the odd complaint when I’ve whispered and begged dd to just give in and go to sleep (apparently I’m shouting at her, which is rubbish as there’s 2 other adults in the house, who I’m being very careful not to disturb, so I’m sat here in silence otherwise) or where I’ve asked her not to punch me (she’s going through a weird phase of pinching me as she falls asleep). I’m definitely not shouting, not even saying these things in a normal voice.

Bearing in mind I was awake most of the night because I couldn’t settle because of a hospital appointment dd had today and then started having rolling panic attacks. I eventually fell asleep somewhere between 4 and 5 and dd woke at 6.30. I asked my husband to take her downstairs so I could grab an extra hour or so before needing to get up and he mutters under his breath about me getting a lie in, despite him knowing that I was up for so long in the night.

I’m so tired and so fed up of being the one to sit here and struggle with dd in the night while he snores away next to me. He knows full well that I struggle to sleep at times yet his sleep seems to be more important than mine (even though he doesn’t work at the moment as he’s been out of work for a few months, but is waiting on a start date for a job that he’s been offered through an agency).

Aibu to want a bit of help or even support from him on nights like this?

OP posts:
CaretakerToNuns · 15/11/2017 04:18

LTB.

SilverBirchTree · 15/11/2017 04:18

Nope- wake him up and tell him it's a shift change

SleepingStandingUp · 15/11/2017 04:21

Def tell him it shift change. Are you working? If so he should be doing nights and if not,try and catch in the day and leave him tt deal with her

rainbowduck · 15/11/2017 04:26

I would wake him up and say 'your turn'.

But, even if he took your daughter, would you be able to sleep?

TwistedTrout · 15/11/2017 04:29

Just wake him up and ask for help. It’s horrible to be the only one up at this time of the morning.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2017 04:37

Crikey what a manchild. Is he waiting for you to burn out? Do you work?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 15/11/2017 04:45

Why are you with the inlaws. Can you go sleep at a friends house for a couple of nights just to recover a little.

ferriswheel · 15/11/2017 04:45

This was me. I'm getting divorced. You need to make it clear there's a shift change.

Catalufa · 15/11/2017 05:03

Yes wake him up! Especially as he’s not working. You must be shattered Brew

Caulk · 15/11/2017 05:23

I’m assuming you’ve woken him up by now. Maybe talk about this tomorrow and come up with a different plan of how to manage the nights if she wakes up?

PollytheDolly · 15/11/2017 05:54

Why are you at the in laws and for how long?

And yes, it’s his turn. Selfish knob.

IdaDown · 15/11/2017 06:36

Buy a camp bed and sleep in the lounge for a few nights.

MsJaneAusten · 15/11/2017 06:47

Wow. Time for a serious talk in the morning. What DOES he do?

Original poster
strugglingtosleep · 15/11/2017 08:03

We’re just here until this weekend now as we move into our own place then. I don’t work as we have a few things going on with dd so lots of appointments

Dd eventually fell asleep after I posted, so I was able to lie down and get a few hours sleep thankfully.

To be fair to him other than the nights he is fairly hands on. Does his fair share of nappies. Will sit with her while she eats. Plays with her a lot.

But, I don’t think I can carry on like this. I feel ready to break. It’s as if he thinks his sleep and rest is that much more important than mine. He’s still asleep now and will probably stay that way for another hour or so yet

OP posts:
Original poster
strugglingtosleep · 15/11/2017 09:04

Yep, he’s just made an appearance now, so had an extra hour after I fetched dd downstairs

OP posts:
Hazelatte26 · 15/11/2017 09:10

I do nights and mornings. OH won't wake up. I ask nicely, I beg, I shake him lightly... then I get frustrated that he's not waking up. I raise my voice and shake him a bit harder. Then all I get is a load of mumbling, moaning, swearing, and him rolling away from me. I dont know what else to do.

My DD is nearly 2.

Hidingtonothing · 15/11/2017 09:18

You need to talk to him. Pick a time when everything is calm and tell him that you're almost at breaking point and need him to step up and do his share at night. Try to make it non confrontational, talk about how you feel rather than picking faults with him so he has no excuse to get defensive and turn it into an argument. Suggest shifts so you both get a few hours uninterrupted or alternate nights, whatever you think will work for you. If he still doesn't step up you have a deeper problem but it's worth a try, it's really easy to fall into the 'competitive tiredness' thing and this might be easily solved with a bit of communication.

ninjapants · 15/11/2017 09:34

Sorry you're having a hard time. You need to make it a about practicalities and not get too emotional and competitive with him, this just fosters bad feeling and resentment and does nothing to solve the problem. If DD is hard work at night then you either divide the night up or take it night about so you can each get a decent rest. Invest in some ear plugs so if it's not your turn (or his) then you can sleep through any noise.
So for example, one of you is on night duty, the other puts their ear plugs in and sleeps. That person doesn't get involved or interfere in any way, they just rest. The other person deals with any night time disruption. In the morning the sleeper gets DD up and the night shift person puts their ear plugs in and catches up on sleep. That way everyone is getting some rest and there's no resentment; in other words, you're working as a team.
Good luck

SleepingStandingUp · 15/11/2017 10:22

Yup OP I have a complex one too so I get that. You really really need to share the load. I'd wander off for a nap just as she needs a bum change and lunch but you also need to talk to him properly. Neither of you works so alternate night duty then the other one gets little one up and the overnighter gets an extra hour

Original poster
strugglingtosleep · 15/11/2017 10:28

Once he’s at work it will be totally different as he will be the one going out all day. But for the moment while he isn’t working, he’s not pulling his weight at night.

I need to try and talk to him later when we eventually get some time alone

Dd tends to go down at 2pm for a nap so I might try and sneak in a nap with her then as well today

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 15/11/2017 10:31

Noooooo OP. Cos if she doesn't have one or as 5 minutes that all you'll get too. You need a nap before her and then peace whilst she naps. Dad can cope

lils888 · 15/11/2017 14:36

No! No! No!

Urgh. I’m so pissed off on your behalf.

My OH sleeps like a dead person, when he snores I kick him (hard) and he doesn’t even notice. So when the kids cry he just doesn’t hear it but if I tell him to see to them he will. He works and will still get up every 2 hours to do the bottles if I ask.

There was me hating on OH because I have to wake him up. This is a whole other level of useless.

Start taking turns each night or something, your relationship won’t be able to handle the resentment (pure assumption) if you carry on this way.

Original poster
strugglingtosleep · 15/11/2017 16:14

I think I will have to adjust my sleeping pattern as he starts work induction tomorrow and has requested the 6am until 2pm shift rather than the 2pm until 10pm or 10pm until 6am shifts. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to get up in the night if he has to be up so early in the morning, so for now this is a suitable compromise.

I think the little digs when I do ask for his help are the most upsetting. I’ve woken him in the past to ask him to fetch me a drink or to turn the fan on and he’s been known to moan at me.

And he’s aware that I’m awake with her as he’ll tell me off if I tell her to go to sleep or to stop pinching me, but he just lies down and goes back to sleep. I’m not sure what he expects me to do, just sit there and let her continue pinching me?

We still haven’t had a chance to talk as his mum is off work after the death of her mum last week, so we haven’t had the time alone to discuss it

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 15/11/2017 19:39

It all sounds incredibly stressful, but it also like you're bearing the brunt of everyone's stress. What will happen when he gets home after his shift? Will he be 'shattered' or will be take over childcare so that you can get some rest? Could you plan an afternoon nap for the foreseeable future?

lils888 · 15/11/2017 19:52

He tells you off your speaking to your child? I think there may be much bigger issues here if I’m honest.

I’ve been known to be stressed and ask my children to sleep or be quiet. It’s a stressful time when you have a kid screaming and can’t soothe them.

Being told off is not ok. Maybe I’ve read too much into it but it sounds like you’re being treated terribly

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