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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish DH would agree to a cat

31 replies

yellowDahlia · 14/11/2017 14:28

I just know I'm setting myself up for a fall...again. I really, really would like to foster cats. It's something I think would benefit both us and the local CPL . I think the DDs and I would all enjoy having a cat or cats around, without the full time commitment (or fear - busy road) of owning our own. I think DH would warm to it, if he would agree to try it - but we've had a number of previous conversations about it and he's just not up for it - not even a trial run.

The idea is creeping back into my head again because we recently tried looking after an assistance dog for a couple of days and while it went fine, I could tell that even a part-time dog is a totally different experience, and would still involve a lot of time and restrictions on where to go and when. Having a cat, in comparison, is so easy and I'm much more comfy with the idea, having grown up with them. Having the dog made me even more sure than cat fostering would be a better fit for us.

But I can't bear more disappointment if I broach the subject and get knocked back again. But I want the kids to enjoy and learn from having an animal to care for and I don't want to wait until DH goes first I'm an old lady to have a cat or cats in my life.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here - maybe someone to tell me get a grip and stop flogging this idea when I know I need everyone in the house to agree to housing a pet of any kind.

I guess I need an objective view - AIBU or should I raise this again, knowing he probably won't have changed his mind?

OP posts:

hanahsaunt · 14/11/2017 14:32

I was brought up with cats and my parents continued to have cats until I was in my mid thirties. I have never owned a cat and have no desire to have one (or any other pet though may concede to a cairn terrier). There could be many reasons why your dh doesn't want one and I would be with him ... I'm not sure that pet ownership added hugely to my childhood although was useful in language exams.

HousefulOfBoysNow · 14/11/2017 14:33

It depends on the reasons he is against it. If, for instance, he's allergic yabu. If he really really hates cats or is afraid of them yabu. If he's (legitimately) worried about the cost yabu.

If he's not arsed one way or another but is saying no for no's sake then I would push a conversation.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 14/11/2017 14:34

What are his reasons for not wanting to do it?

PeiPeiPing · 14/11/2017 14:35

Don't know what to say really, because you cannot really get a pet unless both of you in the couple are on board with it. It's a long term commitment; cats live 14-18 years on average, and if he doesn't want one, it's no good.

I mean, the chances are high that your kids will leave LONG before the cats pass away. It's ok saying it's for them, but will they take them with them when they leave home. go to uni?

Nope.

Sorry, YABU to have cats if your DH does not want them. You both have to want them.

Have a really long chat with him to find out WHY he doesn't want them, but if he says no, it isn't fair on the cat to still get one.

TheHodgeHeg · 14/11/2017 14:36

My husband never wanted a cat. We got a cat and now he's smitten!

I think it depends on the reasons he doesn't want a cat. If he just doesn't like them then you've probably got no chance - if he's got practical objections then maybe. My husband was worried about how we'd take care of a cat. When we came across a starving street kitten he was convinced that despite our less than ideal circumstances she'd be better with us than the alternatives.

HotelEuphoria · 14/11/2017 14:37

YANBU, I cannot imagine a life without cats. I have several, BUT I am the carer, the litter pooper, the feeder, the veterinary visitor, the cattery collector. If the vote depended upon shared responsibility then everyone else in the house would probably opt out.

What part of the cat care are you expecting from him? is this why he doesn't agree?

VladmirsPoutine · 14/11/2017 14:39

I would never have any sort of pet (except maybe a fish), so if my partner kept badgering me to get a cat, dog, whatever it would fast wear thin and really get on my tits.

implantsandaDyson · 14/11/2017 14:42

You’ve had a number of conversations about it, he has said a firm No each time - I think his position is clear enough. I’d be irritated if my husband kept bringing up a subject like a pet when I had said it wasn’t for me.

YouthsAStuffWillNotEndure · 14/11/2017 14:43

My husband was pretty reluctant when we got a kitten 5 years ago (because the children wanted one) and now he loves the cat as much as any of us! He never had pets as a child so I think it was just outside his experience. As long as:

your husband is not actually allergic
you promise to be the one who feeds/cleans up/looks after it
initially it is fostering rather than a permanent pet

it is hard to imagine on what grounds he would object?

Original poster

yellowDahlia · 14/11/2017 14:44

Reasons - he says they smell ie their food and litter tray. Ok, I will accept these are a bit whiffy but I'd keep these in my own back room/office if it would reduce the problem.
Also the hair - I will also accept there is hair, and quite a lot of it.

However - these are both the same or even bigger issues with dogs, and he is willing to accept a dog in the house.

I don't expect anything from him in terms of cat care. I am perfectly willing to do it all - poops and everything. And to stress - this would be to foster cats ie likely short-mid term care for a cat which would then go to a forever home. That's why I feel it's a bit unreasonable not to even try - it could be as simple as having one at home for a couple of weeks and if it really wasn't working out we wouldn't have to continue with any others. Also the charity picks up the cost of food etc so that's not the issue at all.

And he's not allergic and not afraid of them. He used to quite happily tickle the ears of my parent's cat when they still had one!

OP posts:

Ttbb · 14/11/2017 14:45

It's really manipulative of you to keep putting pressure on him and using your children to do it. Stop fgs!

piglover · 14/11/2017 14:45

Unless he's deathly allergic, and if you and children are going to look after the moggie(s?!) I think he's being unreasonable. Lots of men think they don't like cats but they can be powerful seducers...

Original poster

yellowDahlia · 14/11/2017 14:53

Ttbb I'm not emotionally blackmailing him. I know the benefits for the kids/family but I'm not flogging that as a reason. He knows as well as I do how much the kids love animals, and they ask for a dog/cat frequently!

OP posts:

YouthsAStuffWillNotEndure · 14/11/2017 14:58

Addressing his reasons OP:

An outdoor cat creates no smells in the house because there is no litter tray. Would it be possible for you to have an outdoor cat? There is no smell from the food if you remove the dish and wash it after the cat has eaten.

We have a small handheld Gtech vacuum cleaner which is brilliant at removing all cat hair from furniture!

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 14/11/2017 14:59

It's really unfair to make someone live with an animal if they don't want to. It's not about the work that's involved, it's about sharing your space with another living creature.
It's also unfair to keep pestering him when he's already said no.

Greyhorses · 14/11/2017 15:01

To me owning pets is non negotiable as I can't imagine a home without them and I would not accept DH being so controlling and telling me no.

I would at least expect him to try it first before dismissing it!

niteandfog · 14/11/2017 15:03

How important is it to you? After 8 years of marriage I've realised that not having pets is a deal breaker. We obviously have other issues but I don't want to spend the rest of my life without any fluffy animals to call my own.

Original poster

yellowDahlia · 14/11/2017 15:05

That's what I'm afraid of poisoning. I just find it frustrating because I think he'd actually be ok with it if he tried it. Probably even like having a cat/cats around. I think. I just can't identify with that feeling of not wanting an animal around and I 'm trying to put myself in his shoes but I can't think of anything similar which I would just refuse to do without considering or trying.

Outdoor cat is a no - if you foster you must keep them indoors and this would suit me fine as we live close to quite a busy road, so I'd be glad not to have to worry about them getting run over every time they went out the door.

OP posts:

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 14/11/2017 15:16

The house will smell, belive me I used to change litter tray as soon as mine shat and the house still constantly smelled of cat shit.
They tread shitty litter all over the house.
They bring dead shit into the house.
They aren’t loyal.
I have a rescue cat she’s fine but would never ever have a kitten again.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 14/11/2017 15:18

Also it’s cruel to have a house Cat unless it’s a pedigree like a rag doll that can’t actually go out side. Would you want to spend 18 years cooped up In a house?

exWifebeginsat40 · 14/11/2017 15:19

but surely fostering cats is hugely disruptive and getting a kitten is a wholly different prospect?

foster cats will bring all sorts of entertaining (and by that i mean disgusting, destructive or both) behaviours and health needs with them. i have cats plural but i wouldn’t be up for fostering.

in summary, this is a bit weird.

niteandfog · 14/11/2017 15:20

Seriously Lola? My cat saved me from depression when I was a teen. She made my insomnia so much better in my pre-teen years. In fact I still call her one of the loves of my life.

sunshineinabag · 14/11/2017 15:20

It's unfair to keep on at him.

For some weird reason though (ideas anyone?) lots of men seem to have it in their heads they hate cats. My partner said he hated them but then he met mine and loves him. I think subconsciously they see them as "female" pets.

It might have to do with the fact theyre the only kind of pet you cant really control....

What about a trial where you serve as a temp foster home for cats halfway between shelter and forever home?

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 14/11/2017 15:27

I feel for you OP, it's a really frustrating situation to be in. I'm just speaking from experience. My DH thought I'd be OK with it once I tried it, and I'm not. It's been four years, and I hate going home every day because I can't stand the cat being there. It's sweet enough, but it's in my space. Sometimes I stay out as long as I can just so I don't have to be around it. I also stroke other people's cats, and they'd think I was a cat lover - but I'm just really glad they don't live with me. There's no guarantee it won't be like that for your DH.

Davros · 14/11/2017 15:34

DH was not keen on having a cat but agreed when DD badgered him. BUT she only eats dry food and (obviously) does not have milk and her litter tray is rarely used now but does not smell. All formal care is my job, gladly done. She was an indoor cat at first and really bonded with all of us and is extremely friendly. She became an indoor/outdoor cat some years ago and has never brought in birds/mice which I think is because of being indoors only at first. Best decision we ever made, we all love her and she really helps DD to relax and process whatever crap is going through her head, they are great generally for mental health

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