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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Elderly neighbour help please?

74 replies

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 14/11/2017 12:27

Hello could just do with a bit of MN advice please!

DP and I have been living in our new ground floor flat for 4 months. We have an elderly lady (early 80’s) opposite us. When we moved in she introduced herself, dogs said hello etc. I bumped into her in the corridor a couple of times and got talking and she has never mentioned any family or friends. We used to regularly see her pottering about in her garden but recently we haven’t and we noticed her dog has been barking a bit more. I saw her this morning and she appeared very frail. She then later knocked on the door about a small matter within the adjourning gardens and was very frail and low. I asked her how she was and she said she hadn’t been good lately. She said she had “spells every now and then and it’s just old age” but I am really concerned about her. As I said above she doesn’t have seem to have any friends or family. I don’t want to appear pushy but I really want to help if I can! Should I knock every other day and see if she needs any shopping or if she’d like me to walk her dog? Is that interfering? I would just really like to find a way to help her if she needs it but without making her think I don’t think she can manage.

Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

Lillybilly20 · 17/11/2017 17:49

What a lovely person you are. This made me tear up 🌸

MatildaTheCat · 17/11/2017 18:01

As you get to know her perhaps you could enquire if she has any family around and take their numbers in case of any emergencies.

If she doesn’t and you feel she would benefit from more help or a pendant alarm etc you could mention the services offered by AgeUK who will send a volunteer to help and advise on form filling and anything the elderly person might benefit from.

In the meantime offering dog walks and shopping is lovely and will be making her feel so much happier I’m sure.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 17/11/2017 18:17

I think it’s a lovely idea, just be aware she may come to rely on you & if you can’t sustain it or she turns out to be a nasty old lady and not a nice one things could get tricky

PurpleWithRed · 17/11/2017 18:17

Absolutely lovely. Lots of good practical suggestions above too - age UK, care alarm, contact details of friends/family, who her GP is, who her vet is, a keysafe rather than taking her keys (you can put one up for her), make sure she has your phone number. Does she cook? If she’s living on ready meals then the offer of a home cooked simple meal may be really appreciated - ready meals can be great but they do all tend to be sloppy, some plain fish or veg can be really appreciated.

Original poster

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 17/11/2017 18:44

Aw thank you guys I lost all my grandparents as a teenager but if they were around and in my neighbours position I would like to think people would help them.

The PP who suggested Sunday lunch; that’s a brilliant idea! I’m just wary that as she is so frail getting up to answer the door on days where she doesn’t need help will be more of a hinderence (sorry not sure how to spell that!) then help of that makes sense? I think next time I talk to her for longer than a 5 minute exchange at th door I’ll ask if she’d like the dog walking to be a regular thing? She adores that dog (and it is a sweet little thing) and I imagine it’s company for her, I’d hate for her to have to give her up due to being unable to care for her any longer.

OP posts:

TheEmmaDilemma · 17/11/2017 18:53

How about a 'I cooked a bit too much today, would you like this plate to heat up later or something?'...

TheEmmaDilemma · 17/11/2017 18:55

PS. You're lovely and I hope this encourages other people to reach out.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 17/11/2017 19:00

Joining in to say you are fab.

I opened this thread with trepidation thinking it was going to be another whinge about old people.
My Mum is now in a care home, and I live abroad, but the last couple of years if it hadn't been for her lovely neighbours, popping in and putting her bins out etc, I don't know where we'd have ended up.

Thank you.

mothergetslippy · 17/11/2017 19:04

Oh my, this thread has made me go all emotional! Do you know, you've probably made that lady really really happy. Good for you OP, well done x x x

OtterInDisgrace · 17/11/2017 19:05

Well this thread brought a tear to my eye. I wish there were more people like you

MytToeHurtsBetty · 17/11/2017 19:08

Bless you. You sound lovely

rightsaidfrederickII · 17/11/2017 19:12

As someone with an elderly relative who has lovely neighbours that pop in, thank you

I know my elderly relative always feels better able to accept help if you phrase it like you're doing her a favour -
"My dog loves company, so I was wondering if I could take your dog out at the same time"
"I've cooked a bit too much and I hate seeing it go to waste so I was wondering if you could help me eat it up?"
etc etc

There's a subtle art to old people

Original poster

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 17/11/2017 19:28

Aw thank you for all the lovely responses again, you’ve made me go all warm and fuzzy! And thank you for the practical advice, making it sound as though she’s doing me a favour is a great idea.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 17/11/2017 19:46

Please knock and at least say hello. We have a very frail elderly neighbour whose dog barked overnight once. We popped in, she’d had a stroke. We keep a pretty close eye and now her dog has died, we have her over for cuddles with ours. I don’t call round too often, but if I don’t see her for a few days, we’ll bake something, or ask her to ‘look after’ the dog one day by letting him out. Handy excuse to check she’s ok.

DarkDarkNight · 17/11/2017 20:47

Just wanted to say what a lovely thing you are doing. If she is frail and unable to get out it must be such a comfort to her to know you are willing to walk her dog for her and run some errands.

She may be very lonely if she doesn't have friends or family she sees and you wanting to spend time with her and pop in for a cup of tea will be something she will really look forward to.

Does she have any other support such as meals on wheels or carers? I wonder how she would feel about getting in touch with adult social services or Age Concern if loneliness is an issue as there are often day centres or groups running.

starsorwater · 17/11/2017 21:05

You are nice, but don't take on anymore than you can commit to. I started off like you, not the dog, but other things and we were friends. But with time it grew and over the next few years she told ss that I would be there for her after hip replacement, knee replacement, cataracts, and I was. I loved her and we were friends first. But it was very hard work. I would hesitate to be so committed again. Also when we wanted to move house she begged me not to. We didn't. But.
I'm just saying, look to the future.

muddypuddled · 17/11/2017 21:39

What a lovely thing to do. In our old house we had an elderly neighbour opposite us who had dementia. She often thought that she was still in the and and would be very frightened. We got to know her son who visited everyday and on the occasions that he couldn't, we would pop over with cake as an excuse to she that she was ok. Unfortunately she became too ill to live at home and moved into a nursing home as we moved house but I like to think that we helped her in some small way.

justilou1 · 17/11/2017 22:36

Faith in humanity is up a point after reading this OP! Well done!!

Fluffyears · 17/11/2017 23:08

How lovely, what about inviting her over for lunch a few times during the week. It’ll give her company and make sure she is eating well. Elderly people living alone tend not to go to the bother of cooking just for themselves. My grandmother was very vocal about this and that she made a dinner every day. Also if you batch cook anything maybe drop some over to her.

If you are calling in each day that will mean she will always have someone looking out fit her. My gran had a neighbour who walked past every day on her way to the shop. She said if the curtains were still drawn (gran got up at 6 to set her fire) she’d knock and check and if no answer she’d get my uncle to go down as he lived in same village. It was a nice wee peace of mind that someone was checking in a non intrusive way.

MammaTJ · 17/11/2017 23:13

Every day is fine, dogs need walking daily.

You are doing a grand job!!

It's all very well saying 'It takes a village to raise a child', it also takes a village to look after an old person!

SeaToSki · 17/11/2017 23:15

I also think you are doing a wonderful thing. If you wanted to do anything else, I would suggest a few single portion meals that she can just microwave. Malnutrition in the elderly is far too common. Suggesting she is helping you out as you were trying out a new receipe, or made too much may be a helpful way to put it.

niccyb · 18/11/2017 09:29

I think that is lovely of you. I would do the same

niccyb · 18/11/2017 09:30

Invite her for a cup of tea she may open up more. She may have children abroad who she doesn’t see

RaisonableLady · 18/11/2017 11:32

What a lovely idea. You're a lovely person OP. Really glad she's accepted your help. If you're concerned about her over winter, maybe ask if she'd like you to have a spare key? Obviously with agreement about when you'd use it. X

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