AIBU to ask MIL to have a word with her son?

[brapbrapbrap]

I've got to the end of my tether. For months I've been having polite discussions, I've begged, I've shouted, I've cried, I've explained calmly, but nothing I say will stop my husband from playing on his phone constantly. He seems to be incapable of putting it down. He works hard for a living, always working later than his finish time to help out colleagues and often working on his days off (this is another separate issue). From the moment he gets in, he is lost in 'phone world'. He ignores our son, who has also got to the point that he no longer has any interest in his father. I've tried setting boundaries e.g. Phone goes off when he gets in and can be switched back on once LO is in bed. I've tried physically taking it away from him and putting it on a shelf, but as soon as my back is turned, it's in his hand again. I've hidden it a couple of times, but he's sulked and then got lost in 'TV world'. But honestly, I shouldn't have to take his phone away from him to force him to spend some time with his child either playing or helping me out by feeding him whilst I'm rushing around trying to cook dinner and clean!

He's physically there, but he's just not present. I've told him it's making me depressed because I'm not getting any help from him, I've told him it's destroyed his relationship with our son, I've told him it's destroying our marriage. I don't mind him spending the entire rest of the evening on his phone once our LO is in bed, but I cannot put up with him being glued to his phone when his family needs him.

Would I be unreasonable to ask his mum to talk to him??

(Just to pre-empt any suspicions- no he's not having an affair. His phone is linked to mine. I can see where he is, who he's messaging etc. He spends his time watching YouTube videos about bike maintenance and car detailing).

How awful for you and your son.

I feel sorry for you that your son is suffering and his Dad doesn't seem to give a shit.

Oh and OP, sorry got carried away on my own rant. If I were you, I'd take a hammer to it in reality. I really would. And drag him to counselling if you can.

I really hate how phones seem to be everywhere, people use them when driving and even if you are talking to someone, the second their phone rings they answer it and ignore you.

OP, I know it sounds ridiculous because, as you say, it's such a silly thing and it's just a matter of his putting his phone down for a couple of hours.

But this is absolutely grounds for divorce. He ignores you and your child. This is no way to live.

I think the only way you have to make him - perhaps - shape up is to make the potential very serious consequences very clear to him. That is, you have to start talking about divorce, yes.

Perhaps that will shock him into growing up. Perhaps it won't. But at least you'll know where you stand and what you can expect.

Blank him. Ignore him. Do not speak to him, treat him as if he's not there. Don't ask about his day, don't respond to his remarks. Speak to LO and carry on as normal but completely ignore DH. Don't acknowledge him at the dinner table, don't ask him if he wants something if you go to the kitchen, do not call his attention to anything. When you watch TV switch the channel at your will. When it's time for bed, simply get up and go. He won't notice it at first, but he will eventually. And when he asks you what you're doing, you tell him that's how you feel when he's on his phone 24/7. And that if he doesn't like being treated like he's not there, he'd better shape up or he won't be there in truth!

Ring him when his meal is ready. Calm as you like. ^
“Just thought I’d ring you to say that dinner is ready seeing as you’ve not spoken to me once this evening, oh and it’s also little Bens bedtime, if you care?”^

Or, you know - a lot less polite depending on how much tether you got left that evening. It might get through, it’s worth a try!

I’d tell him that if he wants to be divorced then he’s going about it the right way.

Tell him you have an appointment with a solicitor and his behaviour determines whether you use it or cancel it. Mean it.

How are things OP?

make a new rule 2 hours every night is a no device time,eat dinner as a family and put kids to bed and chat for a moment or two, and let him know if the tv is turned on or he picks up a cell phone or pc or whatever device you will put a hammer to it :)

Delete the apps. A few times of picking up the phone and nothing to do breaks the habit.

I think your problem may be that you are married to the world's most boring man. How many videos on bike maintenance can there be?!

DH is on his phone a lot but it is work emails. We work for an international company which is a nightmare as of course there is always at least one office open. He hates getting into the office to find a mess to sort out so he is constantly checking it. I

What happens if you ask him to do something? Does he get up and do it?

Can you keep going out with your DS when he's there? You shouldn't have to but there is not much point in being there with him if he's just on his phone the whole time.

Only you can decide what you are happy to put up with though.

Text him.
"Me and DS miss you."

I feel so frustrated on your behalf he is behaving terribly and I think you've been remarkably restrained in how you have dealt with it so far.
I don't think you've got anything to lose by talking to his mum and telling her how bad it is. I would also be seriously considering a separation as if he won't change you can't go on like this. He potentially needs help to break the addiction but if he won't seek it maybe the shock of being asked to move out will help

It sounds like he's opted out of family life. You say he works hard and long hours, but so many men in my office stay late to just browse the internet etc because they don't want to go home and have to pull their weight with the kids. Then even when he is home, he's not really there.

I agree with acrossthepond in that you should treat him the same way for a while, stop doing anything for him. Either that or when he gets home, put your baby in his arms and walk out. Just leave him to deal with it for a while. If all else fails though, I'd leave, I mean what's the point of this relationship?

Given the discussions you have had to be honest I would scream at him, throw his phone in the toilet and ask if he wants to stay married because it doesn't look very likely right now.
I would NOT accept a situation where he might listen to his mother but not me on how to behave in his marriage.

Book both of you in for marriage counselling because this is now serious if he just won’t be present.

If he’s one of those “oh he’d never go to counselling” idiots then I think you might need to LTB.

It sounds like you are acting like his mother and he is responding like a child. That's not a good dynamic for a relationship. I think you might find marriage counselling helpful to put the balance back in your relationship.

OP I don't think his phone is your main problem. You stated in your first post you hid it a couple of times and "he sulked and got lost in TV world".

I'm afraid he really doesn't want to be involved in family life and will resort to anything rather than participate. If his phone broke tomorrow he would find something else to latch onto to avoid his child. I'm so sorry.

Won't go into detail but this has been a hot topic in our house this week. DH was playing a game at a very inappropriate time (think during a conversation with a third party about a life changing situation) and I flipped the fuck out.

Situation is resolved for now but watch this space. Same reasons I won't have a games console in the house.

I don't think getting his mother involved would help at all in your case. He's not a child, he's a grown man and as such needs to grow a pair.

Tell him to download the free Cold Turkey app. He can block himself off his phone for up to one hour. I've got it and I block myself when I know I should be doing other things; sometimes for 15 minutes, sometimes half an hour. Then I get absorbed in my new activity and temporarily forget about my phone. An hour is usually too long for me though.

Sorry you are going through this OP, it sounds incredibly frustrating for you. My best friends DH is exactly like this, and if she leaves him looking after her DS he ignores him to go on his phone. She has told him he has to change or she leaves but there are other issues too. He has got better as it shocked him, so perhaps you need him to realise how serious you are?

I would highly suspect an affair op! Just because his phone is linked to yours does not mean he can’t chat or do things without you knowing. I’m sure he can still browse privately or use a messager service like WhatsApp without you knowing. Re the working late all he has to do is leave his phone in the office whilst he pops off for drinks.

Sorry - it’s the only real explanation as to why he cares so little about you or your son.

I would be looking at ending the marriage. You don't really have a husband and your DS doesn't really have a father. You may never be able to find a new father for your DS but anything is better than what he had now and you will most certainly be able to find a decent husband.

Just to add he knows you can see his phone so will take extra care to hide things
You’ve made it really clear how you feel about this - the problem is he just doesn’t care how you feel anymore and that’s the problem not the phone