AIBU to ask MIL to have a word with her son?

[brapbrapbrap]

I've got to the end of my tether. For months I've been having polite discussions, I've begged, I've shouted, I've cried, I've explained calmly, but nothing I say will stop my husband from playing on his phone constantly. He seems to be incapable of putting it down. He works hard for a living, always working later than his finish time to help out colleagues and often working on his days off (this is another separate issue). From the moment he gets in, he is lost in 'phone world'. He ignores our son, who has also got to the point that he no longer has any interest in his father. I've tried setting boundaries e.g. Phone goes off when he gets in and can be switched back on once LO is in bed. I've tried physically taking it away from him and putting it on a shelf, but as soon as my back is turned, it's in his hand again. I've hidden it a couple of times, but he's sulked and then got lost in 'TV world'. But honestly, I shouldn't have to take his phone away from him to force him to spend some time with his child either playing or helping me out by feeding him whilst I'm rushing around trying to cook dinner and clean!

He's physically there, but he's just not present. I've told him it's making me depressed because I'm not getting any help from him, I've told him it's destroyed his relationship with our son, I've told him it's destroying our marriage. I don't mind him spending the entire rest of the evening on his phone once our LO is in bed, but I cannot put up with him being glued to his phone when his family needs him.

Would I be unreasonable to ask his mum to talk to him??

(Just to pre-empt any suspicions- no he's not having an affair. His phone is linked to mine. I can see where he is, who he's messaging etc. He spends his time watching YouTube videos about bike maintenance and car detailing).

*Mumford56
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Yes it has got to the point where I've begged, cried and shouted, but you've rather conveniently missed out the part where I also said we've had calm discussions because you want me to look bad. For your information, our phones are linked because we have the same Apple ID. He set up my phone when I bought it. It wasn't an intentional thing so that we could monitor each other. It was just quickly set up without much thought. As for putting it on a shelf or hiding it, yes that is unnecessary, but isn't that precisely the point I'm making?! He's so addicted that I'm having to resort to that. No, it's not a strange relationship. It's a strange addiction that HE has. You're obviously a disgusting troll who likes to insult others. More fool you, now you look stupid.

Turn the wifi off?

The only reason I suggested the MIL is because she's also noted it. He spends all his time on his phone when we go round for dinner.

He really listens to her. She's a great person. She's kind but firm. He listens when his parents 'have a word'.

No I'm VERY OBVIOUSLY not looking for her to ground him
I just thought hearing it from someone else might get it through to him! I wasn't sure who else would work without embarrassing him. I don't think it would be appropriate to involve my mum or a friend, but I need to offload to someone. Don't get me wrong, most people are supportive here, but sometimes you need a real person to offload to.

Has he always done this though, OP, but it bothers you now because of the baby? You don't say it's a new habit, reading between the lines you feel that his attention is outside of his family really (the phone, work) but your reactions to it are not helping I think. What happens if you discuss it with him calmly, does he offer to spend less time on it but this doesn't actually happen?

I don't think speaking to his mother about it is a good idea at all. That would be treating him like a child (the shouting is the same).

How old is your baby, he sounds quite young? It is hard when you are at home all day, looking forward to a break in the evening when someone else comes home!

He hasn't always done this. We'll he has always used it excessively, but not this much. It's got worse in the last 6 months.

Yes, we have spoken about it calmly. MANY MANY MANY MANY times!!!! That's what we've done 99% of the time, so no, it's got nothing to do with my reaction "not helping" I've literally cried once, shouted once etc. Really can't fathom why people are having some king of word blindness to my original post. As I explained before, I've spoken very calmly and politely to him about this many times, but have resorted to crying when it got too much ONCE.

Well only you know how much you can put up with, but he seems to prefer his phone to you or his son. I would say your relationship is dead in the water.

I complete agree with Mumof56 your relationship sounds bizarre and exhausting. You’re trying to modify his behaviour by either lowering yourself to begging or trying to parent him.

Stop with the games, workout whether this is a dealbreaker for you then act accordingly.

To be honest it doesn't sound like you've got a lot to lose by talking to her about it. If that doesn't work then I think you have to ask him to leave as there's no point him being there. He might listen if you kick him out and mean it?

How does he justify himself when you're having a calm conversation about it?

He's addicted. It's like non-gambling pokies. Especially if it is just videos about bikes.
I go through periods of crippling anxiety and I have been known to watch literal hours of shit read entire mumsnet threads fromyears ago binge watch series. It's a displacement thing for me.
The problem with phones is that it isn't seen as an addiction, not like drugs or gambling etc. But if something takes over your life to the point that it is damaging your relationships and your health, it is most definitely a problem.
You are going to struggle with this until he sees this as addiction. He may need professional help.
You may find support groups for addicts families help give you some coping mechanisms.

To the rest of those people saying your relationship sounds weird, they should count themselves lucky they have never had to deal with serious mental health issues in their relationships. I don't think you're controlling him at all, you are living with an addict.

Why not implement that sure, use your phone, but you can’t be in the room with us.

He may well be under the illusion that he is present in his child’s life when in fact, he’s worse than absent as he’s actively ignoring his child.

Turn the WiFi off.
Tell his mother that you are utterly devastated that he is actively choosing to ignore his son to play on his phone and you need a break from him. Send him to mummy’s house.

I agree with pp that it sounds like he's got an addiction but only he can do something about it. The first step is admitting to himself he has a problem, which probably because it's not alcohol or gambling he won't recognise.

You do need to give him an ultimatum.

Oh for those asking, I do work p/t in a very customer faving role (I literally have no time away from people! I'm surrounded by them). I also want downtime, but I recognise that we need to put LO first. He's 2 and a bit by the way. Like I said, DH doesn't take his day off (out of choice- he gets paid commission so wants to work and earn more, even though he earns well without working overtime). So he only sees our son for a couple of hours in the evening.
Our LO has SEN, not really bad, but enough that it makes life a little harder.
I'm not desperately seeking attention from DH for myself. I just need him to spend some time with our son because otherwise he's hanging off my leg when I'm trying to use the oven or cleaning out the cat tray etc.
He's a good man. We love each other very much and want to grow old with each other, but he has this problem with his phone (or TV or iPad if I've managed to persuade him to put it down) and it's affecting his interactions with his family and wider family (I.e. His parents too)

OP, I don't think your relationship is bizarre at all! He's just got addicted to his phone! Yeah LTB cause he's on his phone and then copy and paste my post ^ and start picking the shit out of it lol!

He's just got addicted to his phone!

Yes and he's ignoring his family and that's not good, that's bad-bad.

My husband's phone addiction had definitely become more pronounced since having a baby. I do think it's because it irritates me more now. Also if I'm on my phone I can still manage to have a conversation with someone or pay attention to the world around me but my husband doesn't, and it sounds like yours is the same. Not much advice to offer, just hoping you can sort it out.

Also to those saying about WiFi do you realise 90% of phones work using mobile data, which is normally pretty cheap these days, so no WiFi will literally make no difference.

Does he do anything to fulfill the father / husband role? Or is just present under the same roof?

*Skarossinkplunger
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games? What on earth are you on about? Lol. There are no games. I cried ONCE because I was upset. I shouted ONCE because after 6 months of talking calmly about it I finally got angry. what a very strange thing for you to come out with. Another person with selective reading habits. You pick out the bits you want so that you can insult people. Very odd.

Well next time your at PIL house you should stoke up a conversation about his lack of interaction with LO due to the phone and how you are thinking of ending the relationship!!!

I'm sure she'll have a word!!

You don't need to ask directly

I would want to know what is so important on his phone that he can't put it down.

Your H has disengaged from parenting and partnering. He makes the choice not to take his days off and to interact only with his phone notvwith his W or DC. Did this all ramp up when your DC's SEN was diagnosed?

*Don'tcallmecharlotte
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When we have polite conversations about it (which I'll point out AGAIN is 99% of the time-because I think a lot of posters aren't quite getting this ) he's either not taken it seriously, or agreed to do something about it and then slipped back to his addiction again.

He'll try and make an effort with our son, but gives up very quickly when DS makes it clear he doesn't want to be with Daddy. I've explained that our son needs to feel loved and like he's interesting, not just brushed off all the time.

How about an ultimatum? He switches his smartphone for a Nokia and starts paying attention to his family or you and your child are gone.

OP are you happy? Could you find someone nicer to be married to or be happy alone? With your child, I mean?

I like WhereYouLeftIt's idea. He goes to stay with mum but I might say for a week. No home cooked meals, no sex, no nothing. Your mum can have your son over to see dad on the understanding dad doesn't use his phone. After a week see he he wants to make it permanent and you start dating for a new man in your life and step dad for ds.

I mean it's risky, he may like living at his mums. He may be happy with no sex.

Read up, Google and give him the evidence that he does have a problem...

www.helpguide.org/articles/addictions/smartphone-addiction.htm

reachoutrecovery.com/recovery-topics/technology-addiction/put-your-phone-away-a-guide-to-unplugging/

Good luck.

My son was diagnosed as a baby, but he has become difficult, as any child does, since becoming a toddler. It doesn't help at the moment that he's ill, which has affected his vision and mobility- even more reason why I need someone to spend time with him! He's had so many accidents recently because illness affects his balance and coordination.

I have said before that I would leave him if it didn't stop, but I think I may need to use the dreaded D word now. Of course I don't want that. This situation could be so easily fixed by him just putting his phone down for 1-2 hours.

My exP sees his DC twice a week (used to be three times but work has reduced it). He's great with her, he's lovely to chat to for me etc BUT his fucking phone! It's got better after nagging but he would sit on the sofa and fuck around on his phone while DD played on the floor in front of him. The person he'd come to see! I'd complain, he'd say he was looking up stuff for her.
If he's not looking stuff up he's taking photos or videos. Rarely telling you he's doing it, so it's often right when you're doing or saying something embarrassing in the background.
Many's the time I've wanted to take a hammer to it. Just live in the real world, stop looking in or through the stupid phone.