hubby's work...... Warning - A Long Rant!

[rabster]

Well, DH has a great job which he loves. It pays well, and is the only place in the vicinity where he can do his job (IYSWIM - if he didn't work there, he would have to work in London).

The problem: he is going for a promotion. That is great, and I am thrilled for him.

But, this promotion seems to entail LOTS of late work nights/ weekends. Because of the nature of his job, sometimes they have to work weekends / evenings to meet deadlines. It isn't uncommon for (mostly single)people in his industry to sleep at work to get deadlines met (yes, I know!) He hasn't done this for a while, and seeing as we moved away from home for him to have this job, I DO complain when he does this - leaving me high and dry, with my friends miles away.. I digress....

ANother person at his work has this same promotion, and I have seen him ignore his young famioly, working late nights and weekends - including every weekend during the school summer holidays.

Well, it seems like this is happening to us now too. We have a 12 week old baby. The last few nights he has got home after 7 (so DS is in bed, I am stressed, DS hasn't seen him all day), and he worked (albeit at home) all last weekend. We saw each other for a ew hours in the day, then back to work again.

Last summer when he worked lots of weekends, I gave him an ultimatum - me or the job - and he cut back his working hours. I am considering doing the same again - am I being unreasonable?

i tihnk its nice to have a bit of support with a lo, especially if its yuor first. These times are so full of worry and angst, or at least mine were,and my lo is only just 6 mths old.

"What I am sure of is there is no God given rule book which says every couple must work no more than X hours a week to achieve the perfect balanced family life. Different people need different things from their family and work."

Xenia - quite right, and if one partner is working 60-70 hours a week, it makes it quite hard for the other partner to work even 40 hours a week (a normal full-time job) and give the children and the couple relationship enough attention (and all that before dealing with mundane matters such as cleaning and ironing).

Surely one of the hardest things is that we choose career paths before having children and it is very hard to know in advance of having children just how much time and energy you will want/need/wish to invest in your relationship with them. So even if you say, as you do, that you knew in advance of the marriage just what time investment the other person's career would involve ie negotiation over, when the children come along you actually will need to discuss and renegotiate your time commitment to work. It is naive to believe otherwise.

what brought it home to my dh was my lo screamed everytime he picked her up, and stopped immediately when i took over. I was glad, it gave me th eopportunity to say, well what do yuo expect, she has no idea who you are - cruel i know but it made him feel really useless. He ensures that he makes it home in time for bath time now, and works after she has gone to bed.

People out what works for them but I do think mother home alone with baby who doesn't work and husband working all hours there are is just about the worst deal for women in creation and juggling your own full time work instead and making the husband have to arrange child care long term works out better.

Anna, some people do. Talking to my daughters and their university student friends who are picking careers they look at issues like what job takes long hours. Their investment banking riend they know is already working weekends and the girl p issing about doing antiques earns a pittance despite her AAAA, first degree etc loves it but knows the long term financial implications; the one working for virtually nothing at a women's magazine they think is doing really well though as she gets some "free clothes" as if that's the equivalent of another £30k a year so I suppose there is some naivety which their parents help to dispel and they look at what jobs they could combine with working best, which ones you can leave and set up your own agency from home doing in due course and which jobs that's not possible.

What is clear is a lot of people my age who have worked 20 years do not do the same job for 45 years and then draw a pension and I suppose in a long marriage at various times one person will work longer hours than the other. Nothing matches the long hours of a mother at home with a baby without work and oyu dont' get paid and it's as dull as ditchwater. Can't imagine why any woman chooses to do it but they do in droves and yet they don't all love it.

xenia, its all about choice, so i guess this thread is getting fired up becos most of us are bringing our rants into it - i know i am , the main issues isnt about working/ not working its about both patners being happy with the working arrangements, and ensuring that the baby is also happy, after all we choose to bring them into the world, its up to us to ensure they are happy when they arrive.

We had a chat, over a glass of wine, when he finally arrived home at 9pm.

There are several issues here: I left my friends behind to support him in his move up here for work (with my job, I can go anywhere). I suffer depression, mostly caused by loneliness (surprisingly, not after birth as I have met so many other loval mums). I DO resent his work hours (and always have done) when they infringe on 'our' time.

Mostly though, I think it is sad that many dads are not involved in their children's life, and as it was a joint decision to have a child, the care should be shared as much as possible too. Before we had DS, DH agreed with this. This particularly struck home as both of us lack relationships with our dads as they were not 'hands on'.

I think it is important for DS to be an active part in his son's life from an early age. I would not settle for him coming home after his bedtime more often than not, and then not seeing him much at weekends. Some people wouldn't mind, but I think it is unfair on ds AND dh. I do have childcare sorted for when I return to work part-time in a couple of months. I pointed out the carer would see DS more hours than DH would if he continues his working pattern.

He has agreed to come home on time (6pm) 3 times per week, and to bring home work at weekends rather than going into the office.

Lastly, all of my hobbies were active (sports), so it is impossible to pursue them while looking after a baby. So, he will look after DS for a couple of hours on the weekend so I can get back into my old hobby.

A happy ending!

Rabster - haven't time to read the whole thread but wanted you to see it from my POV. I'm on maternity leave, we have no money so my wonderful dh is working weekends (ie 7 days a week) so I can stay at home and have more time off with my adorable ds (7 months). I know your dh doesn't need to earn more money but you may want to see a different perspective on things.

Xenia - we all know that you think that being at home with a little baby is boring. You don't need to tell us again.

i would just like to add:

i work full-time and in the beginning it was very hard, with a new baby.
i get up at 6, leave house at 7.30 and back home at 6pm.
but, if there's a job that needs completeing then it might mean that i don't get back till 8 (when the children are in bed).

however, things change. baby doesn't need me so desperately anymore and isn't devestated if i'm not back exactly at 6. my hubby goes out on a friday and i have sunday mornings and a couple of short swims during the week. and to be honest it's much better. we both are contributing to family life (him more than me), but we also have our own interests.

when the children are bigger again, i will love sharing the sports that i do.

best thing is to be patient, which is hard if your unhappy to see the light at the end of the tunnel. but baby won't be so demanding and hubby won't be away so long forever. as long as you both plan nice things to do in the future together, you can cope with the rough and enjoy the smooth.

so book time to go to the park together, go for a meal, visit friends together and cherish!

: )

My DH works late every night (I'm thrilled if he's home by 9pm) and I guess I'm just used to it. My friend's DH is the same and so she has altered her DCs routines to accomodate his hours. They have a really late nap and then get up again at about 8.30 for supper, bath and some time with Dad before bed. Works really well for them.

casbie, am just about to start doing your work pattern, you are easing my mind somewhat. thank-you

rabster - hope it all works out, and you're feelings are probably what a lot of us feel with a new baby.... and you are never alone with mn.
GOOD LUCK

well done for both coming to a compromise!!! isnt that what its all about?? im a SAHM and my DH works 9-5 as an IT Manager (with minimal late nights and callouts) but also works as a medic in a nightclub complex from 9.30-3.30 thurs - sun. i love being at home with my 14mth old dd and from just coming back from a break in wales both dd and dh love the time they get to spend together. i dont understand how babies can be thought of as boring - they are wonderful and so interesting (where does dd get the idea of handbags and how to carry on when i never use them??) i get time to read/study/watch lost while dh is at work at weekends but we have set nights which are ours to watch a film/go out/chat etc and he is nearly always home to sit and have tea as a family and to listen to ds read and kiss dd goodnight before he goes for a kip before medic work. i think different things work for different families!!!

I agree, pink, different things work for different families and many parents don't have a spouse anyway (like me now) and some like my sister are single mothers by choice by donor sperm. On the boring point at least I know that's how I feel and did something about it which worked and none of the family suffered - I worked but they had good care and turned out fine. I love babies for an hour or two but after that I just want to go into the office and read or work.

Rabster, well done!

That sounds like a good compromise with him agreeing to take a chunk of the parenting, and you're so right, it will be a gift to your ds AND your dh if they can get a real relationship. It's SO worth it.

And that's just how it should be at weekends; you need some time out of the house to be you as well as a mum.

I'm so pleased for you.