hubby's work...... Warning - A Long Rant!

[rabster]

Well, DH has a great job which he loves. It pays well, and is the only place in the vicinity where he can do his job (IYSWIM - if he didn't work there, he would have to work in London).

The problem: he is going for a promotion. That is great, and I am thrilled for him.

But, this promotion seems to entail LOTS of late work nights/ weekends. Because of the nature of his job, sometimes they have to work weekends / evenings to meet deadlines. It isn't uncommon for (mostly single)people in his industry to sleep at work to get deadlines met (yes, I know!) He hasn't done this for a while, and seeing as we moved away from home for him to have this job, I DO complain when he does this - leaving me high and dry, with my friends miles away.. I digress....

ANother person at his work has this same promotion, and I have seen him ignore his young famioly, working late nights and weekends - including every weekend during the school summer holidays.

Well, it seems like this is happening to us now too. We have a 12 week old baby. The last few nights he has got home after 7 (so DS is in bed, I am stressed, DS hasn't seen him all day), and he worked (albeit at home) all last weekend. We saw each other for a ew hours in the day, then back to work again.

Last summer when he worked lots of weekends, I gave him an ultimatum - me or the job - and he cut back his working hours. I am considering doing the same again - am I being unreasonable?

Suunysideup's point about where he will be in 5 years time is a good one.

Are you planning on having more children? I know it's early days! but worth thinking about, too.

I think the problem is that jobs in his industry are hard to find (like I said, its here or London). He thinks that if he doesnt take the promotion (apart from REALLY wanting it), he wont get another opportunity like this. He is also very proud of where h e has got to (leaving school with no qualifications etc), but he does need to see what it will do to our family.

"when we look back on life and the relationships we have or could have had, we wont be saying
"i wished i had spent more time at work"

Really?

I'm probably not the person to argue this (am SAHM), but looking back a career that you love, I can well see that missed opportunities may be regretted.

Actually, perhaps I am the person to argue it...

Do you only have the one child? You may well find, as I did with my dh, that his priorities change as the child gets older, and, to be blunt, more interesting...

That's a good point becky about some men getting more into fatherhood when the children get older. Maybe it's another reason why a longer term plan may be needed here rather than an ultimatum - rabster's dh needs the time to be able to realise that a toddler he can throw around and tickle IS more interesting than a 12 week old, which is often just, well, work!

just to carry on my rant - i am also feeling like a mug moving for his work and so leaving behind friends etc only to be left alone holding the baby.

Becky I think looking back and having regrets about not seeing children grow up would be worse than any career regrets. If you don't put the time in when they're young then don't expect them to put the time in with you when they're older imo.

my point about looking back and not wishing you had spent more time at work, for me doesnt mean not taking an interest in my career, which is also very important to me, but about achieving a life/work balance that leads to happy family life, for all of the family.

Hi rabster

I am also having this issue with husband. his job is V demanding and involves a lot of travel etc..

You are right to be worried.... You're only at the beginning of the parenthood journey and the lack of time as a couple (IME) gets worse as the babies grow and perhaps you have another.

Trouble is if he doesn't go for promotion or fails to fulfill his potential career he might feel resentful or regret it later. I know my husband gets a lot from his job (self esteem & intellectual stimulation etc...).

I think you need to spend time together talking through how you can both improve the situation. Perhaps this will just be a short term situation and once in the new job he can get back to more regular hours???

I also moved to a new area - having children is a great time to meet new friends! Perhaps one answer is to try and meet other mums and help create a social life away from DH.

Plenty of women and men stay late at the office to avoid a nagging other half, house in disarray, screaming children and aim to arrive just after the children fall asleep. I've seen that pattern in offices throughout the land for the last 20 years. Some people prefer work to being with their families. I often do. I find small children difficult and work very rewarding. That is not a problem if your other half is content too.

K sounds wise to get back into work before 40 otherwise you can see husband enjoying wonderful very rewarding career and more time in it because it's fun and exciting and rewarding and mother stuck at home resentful and as the years go by losing any chance to have similar career excitement and advancement and she she does try to get back to work it's too late

..and perhaps some women hneed to marry "beta men" who prefer to be home early every day and earn less. YOu need to choose with care.

I think ATM it's about how rabster feels with her dh working long hours. The baby doesn't notice. Like I said, the work-life balance thing will probably become clearer as the child gets older. It certainly did for my dh.

But - he really wants the promotion. He loves his job. He's proud of what he's achieved to get where he is. Giving him an ultimatum seems unfair. But there's certainly a lot to talk about.

Dh and I have just had a similar chat about possible new career moves. In his last job, my dh was fedup and disillusioned to the point where it seriously affected our family life. In the end he had to leave. I do understand where rabster is coming from, but I understand her dh's desire to progress as well.

Would he stop her going after a promotion which would mean the same hours I wonder?
Do you give up power in a relationship when you don't earn money? Could she negotiate with him better over this if she earned more than he does? Or does love conquer all?

Also does he enjoy job? Although my DH works long hours he LOVES his job - I think having a happy husband is worth a lot (even if we don't see him as much as we'd like!).

I agree with others - Dads often prefer older babies/children

Well, I have just negociated with my dh over a new job, which will involve more time away but more money, and therefore more childcare for dd while I'm studying.

Then he dropped a bit of a bombshell by saying he would then take a year off after this contract so I could study full time. I'll wait and see if he's still keen nearer the time...

WTF?
negotiated

Althought I work 4 days a week I often hsve to work late as my job demands it. There is nothing worse tha ringing home to a hostile partner. I feel badly enought that i won't see kids that evening and to have a Dh being huffy just makes it harder.
I work because I have to and i like to.
I am sure given the choice DH would rather be home.

Ok, I am beginning to stew now. STILL not home. I need to go to bed soon, or else all the nightwaking leaves me zombified the next day (alleged growth spurt).

Daffodil - I offered to go back to work full time and DH stay at home / go part time (I get school holidays off, so we could do loads of stuff as a family in the summer) and he was definitely NOT interested....

The one thing that screams out from this thread is that there's no right or wrong way. I think it's a bit of an oversimplification to say 'on their death bed no one will look back and wish they'd spent more time in the office.' Put that way sounds deadly dull, but I DO think some people look back and think 'Gosh, I wish I'd had a meaningful career/achieved something more outside the home'. Some people are happy with the very polarised roles - one parent being the worker and one being at home. Others want a different balance. There's pros and cons of both. DH and I were sure from the outset that we both wanted fairly equal roles. We both teach, I was part time while children were pre-school and full time since the youngest was four. The downside is that we're never going to earn a fortune, as we might if I'd married someone who wanted a high status city job. The upside is that our 3 children know as a reality, not just in theory, that mums and dads can both cook dinner, do the washing, play football and have a professional life. The key is honest discussion with your partner.

I don't think 7:00 is very late to get home. To me working late means someone gt home at midnight.

I think you are more resentful about the life you had to give up than you are about his work. I do think a babysitter a couple nights a week so you can get out and get involved in something (not necessarily a paid job) would be good. Meet up with other mums, join a gym, a political organisation, a bridge club, whatever you like to do.

My dh never gets home before 9,30, on a good day, and travels too. It's obviously not ideal, but his career is super interesting and can only get better. I wonder whether it's worth it, but then your children are your children forever. I bet that when they're older they get a lot out of their parents having really amazing jobs too. Weigh it up against all the frustration and "what if" wonderings that you might end up dealing with if things were different. Also, if he gave up under pressure from you then he might blame you and that would be dreadful. Up to a point I agree that it's easier to deal with a dp's job if you've got a professional life of your own. Spending the day looking after babies and doing the laundry, then finding yourself on your own at the weekend, not to mention tapping your feet in the evening wondering whether you should be having dinner on your own or waiting for an elusive dh is not obviously very rewarding. Especially if he then makes comments about what an easy relaxing life you have compared to his busy and important one.

In the end though, it's very important to come to an agreement of some sort and to try to like it. Having a dh that works all hours, AND whinging non-stop about it is a total disaster. I just took an executive decision not to complain. I recommend finding a hobby to fill the time between bedtime for kids and dh coming home. Then smile and be pleased to see him.

i just wonder what the point of starting a family is ,if yuo arent going to put them first. Its not always about what you want...its also not an oversimplification to say that on your deathbed..., i didnt actually say that .However i work in an area of the nhs when dramatic things can happen to people unexpectedly,, and when these people genuinely are told how unwell they are , or if they will live or die within the next hour,
believe me it isnt work that they want to ring. So chaps cherish what you have and work hard to keep it. As i also said its all about balance.

imo oyu take the money you pay the price
but tbh it hink he is hiding fomr the baby

i bte oyu he wnts pa nd q

a lto of mena rent soenamoured wiht ehbaby bit

asn as fo complaining he gets back after a BABY is in bde well sheesh
id love dh t be around beofre american office closes at about 9pm

I suppose it's more a husband/wife relationship issue, this thread. WOmen on here happy their husband works late. Others not. Some women working late. When I was married although my husband was a teacher his school day (ex boarding school) officially ended at 6 and there would often be things after that although for long periods he left then to get home to let our nanny get home.

But at least 2 or 3 nights a week he was out on school things and then taught all day Saturday and at times we needed that money. I used to find his private teaching night to after 9.30pm Tuesdays difficult when I was home after a hard day's work looking after 3 under 5s and the house until then on my own but then there were other times in the marriage when I'd be working late (probably more) than he had. He also worked often on Sundays for pay as he plays the organ. I knew he did that when I married him but sometimes it was difficult. So very very many Christmas Eves and Easter Sundays when he just wasn't there and I who worked full time anyway always dealing with lots of small children on my own when everyone else seemed to have husbands around to help with christmas present wrapping etc.

At the time I think we both accepted the other's hours because they were exactly as we knew they would be when we chose to marry each other. He knew my job and I knew his and we both knew we needed the money too and we both knew we wanted the careers we had.

What I am sure of is there is no God given rule book which says every couple must work no more than X hours a week to achieve the perfect balanced family life. Different people need different things from their family and work.

Xenia - "all eggs in one basket" - the baby is 12 weeks old!

I know you will now tell me that you went to work 30 minutes after having all of your 5, but still - 12 weeks is tiny and most women would not be working again.