hubby's work...... Warning - A Long Rant!

[rabster]

Well, DH has a great job which he loves. It pays well, and is the only place in the vicinity where he can do his job (IYSWIM - if he didn't work there, he would have to work in London).

The problem: he is going for a promotion. That is great, and I am thrilled for him.

But, this promotion seems to entail LOTS of late work nights/ weekends. Because of the nature of his job, sometimes they have to work weekends / evenings to meet deadlines. It isn't uncommon for (mostly single)people in his industry to sleep at work to get deadlines met (yes, I know!) He hasn't done this for a while, and seeing as we moved away from home for him to have this job, I DO complain when he does this - leaving me high and dry, with my friends miles away.. I digress....

ANother person at his work has this same promotion, and I have seen him ignore his young famioly, working late nights and weekends - including every weekend during the school summer holidays.

Well, it seems like this is happening to us now too. We have a 12 week old baby. The last few nights he has got home after 7 (so DS is in bed, I am stressed, DS hasn't seen him all day), and he worked (albeit at home) all last weekend. We saw each other for a ew hours in the day, then back to work again.

Last summer when he worked lots of weekends, I gave him an ultimatum - me or the job - and he cut back his working hours. I am considering doing the same again - am I being unreasonable?

Perhaps instead of being so quick to suggest me or the job, you could suggest chatting about what you'd like him NOT to do and work out when he won't work (eg all day saturday and sunday morning or something). If you've decided on parameters, everyone knows where they stand and your husband won't feel guilty when he does do work at home as it will be in his alloted time, when you and DS can be doing something else. Could he not look for other jobs in the area where you are now or is that not an option?

My answer would be go back to full time work yourself to achieve fairness in your marriage but I doubt anyone else would agree and make him in charge of arranging childcare if he wants to work those hours. You are not his domestic slave.

Tbh, I can see Xenia's point.

Why does he want the promotion? Money? Kudos? Interest? I think you need to talk about it. Do you have shared financial goals?

Think an ultimatum is a little unfair, as I assume a benefit of the promotion is more money to support you all. Can you pay for some extra help and do something yourself - go back to work, or even just get some help with the baby, so you aren't taking on all yourself. I think in a lot of careers, you have to go for promotion or you can't really progress, but there is no reason you should feel trapped because of it.

maybe the ultimatum is a bit severe - I am just really wound up to get a phone call AGAIN that he won't behome til 8...

We have discussed what would be appropriate or not many times, but DH can't stick to it. We talked about this before we had a baby, and he agreed that working weekends and evenings with a baby involved would not be a good idea for everyone involved. A couple every now and then wouldbe ok, but it seems to be nothing for a few weeks, then 2-3 weeks of late work and /or weekends.

Unfortunately, his boss will collar him before hometime and he feels like he can't say no. TBH I don't want him going for the promotion as I can see things getting worse, as he has more responsibility, he feels he has to work longer hours. But, this is is only opportunity to do anything like this. I feel awful, but I am also REALLY p**d off with it all..

You've put all your eggs into one basket by not working so I don't suppose you have much choice now. Just reading this... "What's the longest you've worked without sleep. I once arrived in hte office at 8am on Monday orning and didn't leave until 11pom on the Friday night; we worked right throuhg, but it was good fun in hindsight adn I made some very close friends as a result of that deal". Some jobs are just like that and you make that choice when you choose that job.

Do you want him at home to spend time with him or to help with the baby? If the latter hten one answer with the extra money he earns is you have a babysitter 2 nights a week and you go out with your friends so at least yiu aren't doing the bedtime routine etc every night on your own which is veryunfair.

Really, Iwant him at home to spend time with both me AND DS. It is not really the help I want (though I do appreciate it when he does the bedtime with me), just time together as a family. Money is not an issue at all, and I will go back to work part time too, so I will get time as an adult (not a mum) too.

things won't get BETTER if he takes the promotion, and all I can see in the future is DS working late and DS (being old enough to understand) not seeing him all day.

My DH works all hours when he has to. TBH it doesn't bother me, I know he's just doing his job trying to support us and my decision to stay at home.

I do think an ulitmatum is unfair. Do you depend on his income or are you planning on returning to work?

My DH started working harder and going for promotions after we started a family as he felt the need to strive for things. I think its great that your husband has a good work ethic and its a little unfair to be demanding he be home at a certain time all the time. Surely a compromise of 1-2 evenings a week and most of Sunday would be a fairier thing to ask of him? Don't pressure him too much - if he's got a demanding job and a demanding wife he'll be heading for disaster years down the line.

so if they won't get better, why is he taking it? work is meant to support you and your children. Its not meant to make life worse.

I think DH has a live to work, not work to live attitude. IYSWIM
not a problem when it was just the 2 of us..

my dp works late every night, you do get used to it, it just seems to be the way it is now

on the other hand...dh has always had a laid back attitude to work - he was good at his job and did well, but never saw the point of face time at the office. but when ds was born, he suddenly went manic and worked crazy hours, because he was convinced that he now had to provide for everything, and think of things like school fees. He calmed down eventually and is now back to working in his normal hard working, sincere way. The time he worked like crazy was the time his career made the least progress.

It makes me really sad to think of your ds and your dh missing out on having a relationship. For me one of the great, great joys of parenthood has been watching the unique and special relationship ds has with his dad.

As he gets older your ds will need his dad more and more. He will need to see that being a dad is not just about bringing money in but about helping your child reach their potential by being with them.

I am sorry not to have specific advice for you but I just wanted to post that you're right, this issue is really really important to your ds (and you!) and it is worth you trying to sort it out for the future.

Perhaps you could take a long term approach; your ds is very young and as I think Steve Biddulph said in 'raising boys' babies can pretty happily 'belong' to mum in the early years......but as they near 6 yrs old they want and need their dad or a very strong male role model....perhaps make an agreement that if your dh pursues this career, it is with an intention that in five or six years he'd be in a position to choose his hours more.

If he's worked this hard for that many years and isn't in that position in five years then it sounds a crap job to be perfectly honest!!!!

For the immediate time, perhaps you can literally diary in one weekend in three, say, where your dh is unable to accept work. He could say to his work that you are not at home that weekend due to your own commitments.

Sounds like you need to do some heart to heart talking about what you both want out of having a family. I know this kind of discussion can seem threatening, cos it may mean moving out of your comfort zone and looking at different ways of doing things.I don't totally agree with Xenia that the answer is simply for you to return to full time work, but I DO agree with her that you've put all your eggs in one basket as it were. You have chosen very polarised roles - ie one parent having the high flying career, the other staying at home with the baby and moving house and area to fit with partners career. There's nothing wrong with that as long as both partners are happy, but clearly you're now struggling. The answer may be that he downsizes and you take some responsibility for contributing to the fincances, and in return he takes more responsibility for child care.

Rabster I was just about to post that we think it's working to live and not living to work for us as a family. When we had children especially we decided that I'd stay at home to raise the children as we both thought that it's best for young children to have one parent at home to care for them and that he'd work. Also though he gets home at 6pm every night and rarely works weekends. He needs to work late sometimes and goes abroad for 2 nights every couple of months but that's it. He is a family man and I'd much prefer him to a man that worked all the hours. We have a nice life and a lovely house in a great area. We could have more but why when money isn't everything and you cannot buy time. The one thing that's most important in this world imo is time. You can always make money but you can't go back in time to see your kids grow up again. My dh wouldn't want to miss seeing his kids and makes sure he spends lots of time with them.

I just think life is about being happy and as long as you have enough money to support yourself then it's great to actually spend quality time with your family. I could go back to work but I'd much rather stay at home with my children, the most important job in the world imho and nothing will ever beat that.

I have had this for the last 2 years. We have three girls aged 7,5 and 2 and dh is rarely at home when they are awake during the week and frequently works weekends. I have spent too long expecting things to change and realise that I must take control of my own life otherwise my resentment of the situation is going to poison everything. I regret giving up my career and intend to spend some of the money dh earns (although he will strongly disapprove) on childcare so I can get back into work before I hit 40! Please don't wait for him to change - I don't think he will. Decide what you need and go for it.

Thanks sunnysideup.

It is a good idea to suggest that the long hours thing be a short term thing, and the suggestion about weekends too. Still don't think he would be able to choose hours in 5 years time though....

And perhaps, oranges, he IS overcompensating for the drop in my income..

I think one problem is that this is what MY dad did - so I have an excellent relationship with mum, but I hardly know dad.

I think it really depends on whether or not you need the money.

I used to work in Financial Services and it was EXPECTED that you would be in at 7am and not leave before 9pm at night. Team meetings were held at 7pm every night! On my first day (in this major bank) they showed me a Working Time Directive form and TOLD me to sign away my rights.

One of my colleagues collapsed on the tube one morning (from exhaustion), ambulance was called and she was taken to hospital. The only reaction from the bank was to ask me to ring her and get an arrival time out of her(!!). Basically they owned your a**e! However, I was particularly well paid.

So, how much do you need the money?

exactly rabster. It's so sad to miss out on a central relationship like this.

It makes me sad that some men just don't seem to value being a dad.

I have a dh who works long hours often 8am til 11pm, usually brings home work to do in the weekend evenings. I also work albeit 33 hours a week (cut down slightly from full-time to be able to pick kids up from school twice a week).
I would not be giving him an ultimatum, but a discussion on how to ring-fence time to spend as a family eg. after the first couple of years as a father my dh decided not to work during the daylight hours at weekends - this means he will sometimes put the kids to bed at the weekend (he does sat/sun I do the rest of the week) then go into his home office and work until 4 or 5am..go to bed, get up at 9ish (I'll get up with kids).
Also plan time as a couple - and plan time for him to be with the kids (eg. my dh is about to start looking after the kids in the mornings, dropping them at school before he goes to work as it is more acceptable for him to arrive at work a bit later than it is to leave earlier),
And - spend some of the money from the promotion on help for you (to replace the fact that he isn't helping out) on a cleaner, maybe some relief childcare, a weekly massage ;)

jodie - that sounds ideal.

and the money is definitely NOT an issue. IMO time is worth so much more. he wants the promotion because he loves his job.

yes, I think we need a chat tonight. thing is he will say he wont work long hours but that is not true...

millarkie - i love the not in daylight hours at weekends thing! what a great idea!

Dh is in a similar position atm.

2.5 years ago he was made redundant and then fortunautely landed on his feet with a new job and opportunities for promotion.

However, I don't really want him to go for promotion. We don;t need the money - he is already well paid and I work part-time - ost of my earnings cover DS' nursery but childcare will reduce when he goes to school.

I'm not saying the extra money wouldn;t be nice - but we are comfortable and I dont want him to be spending even less time with us, and enjoying our time as afamily.

ATM he leaves the house at 7.15 and makes a big effort to be home by 6 to do DS' bath - basically he sees him for 30 mins a day, and any work he has to do at the weekends he does in the evenings.

He also managed to persuade his boss to cut down the amount of European travel he was doing which has made an immense difference to our family life.

The thing is, DH wants to go for promotion. He's 47, and i know he thinks this is his last chance to move up another notch.

I think you need to udnerstand and discuss more about your DH motives for promotion, to understand how much (or not) it means to him and how things are going to pan out over the next few years.

But i think ultimatums are unfair in this kind of situation. When you are at work and a concientious worker, you can;t just say no, or let things slide.

good luck, when it all comes to all, when we look back on life and the relationships we have or could have had, we wont be saying
"i wished i had spent more time at work"

ring fencing sounds a great idea as you cant make someone stay at home, and want to stay at home, if he is like my dh, if hes at home with a deadline he may as well not be here!