Au Pairs off duty

[CEOD]

I was just wondering what the general consensus was r.e. Aupairs and mealtimes when they are off-duty. Should they just treat our home like a hotel and come to meals which are already cooked, a table already set and then swan off out again afterwards without offering any help whatsoever? Or do you think they should be like a family member? A teenage daughter who should pull their weight in the home and help with either meal prep or clearing up afterwards? I don't know who's being unreasonable here!

If you treat them as family, then they would help as that's normal in families, but if your all about your paying someone then HECK No, your not paying them on their day off.

Moral treat them better, and your will benefit more.

Because with family I would discuss where we go on holiday, trips out, etc and take all family members wishes into account. If they messed up, I would help them, rather than getting them to leave the house.

I don't think that is the definition in this context brasty!

So if I don't consult someone about my holiday plans I can't expect help with the washing up? Eh?

* A teenage daughter who should pull their weight in the home and help with either meal prep or clearing up afterwards?*

Since when did teenage daughters do this?

Because it sounds like being one of the family means all the negatives and none of the benefits.
The reality is the Au Pair is an employee, although one where the family are expected to help her find her feet in this country.

I used to have au pairs when my son was young and when it worked, it worked perfectly (I had a couple or wouldn’t join in). They were part of the family and I treated them as such.
I would cook a family meal (this was just me and my son) and I would be expecting them to have some too (they didn’t have to but I would be by default cooking for three). They would help lay table/serve/clear along with my son as it set an example of how we all mucked in. When they were off duty I only expected the same level of help as I expected from my son.
On days out they would always be invited and I would pay for it entirely. Their days off (usually Mondays and weekends) were free to do as they choose and this included freedom in joining the family in whatever activities we were doing.
I even was happy to have their girlfriends stay (I normally had Male au pairs) at weekends and would, within reason, fund them too whilst as a guest.

If you have a guest over for dinner, you wouldn't expect help setting or clearing the table (though lots would offer!).
If you have a guest staying for 6 months or a year, then surely you would expect them to muck in a bit?

But they are not a guest. You don't get a guest to work for you.

If you were really going to treat them as your teenager, you would be buying them presents, taking them out lots of places, taking them on holiday. Au pairs in reality are not treated like one of the hosts children. So the comparison is not a realistic one.

I must have been extremely lucky (actually I know I was) but my host family really did do all this. We are still friends to this day and my host 'mother' still gets birthday presents for my children (and babysits for me!).

I used to help clear up after meals and also cooked occasionally although cooking wasn't included in my 'regular' duties.

This morning I showed my au pair this thread over a cup of coffee. She has a lot of au pair friends and reckons all those that are enjoying time with their families are helping get out with prepping or clearing family meals. They choose to hang out with their host families even when not working and muck in as a young twenty something would do if staying with family. A couple of her friends feel used by their families and she says they don’t do an inch more than contracted. So to her it all comes down to how you fit into the family.

quit you sound alot like me.

I do buy birthday and Xmas presents for au pairs being then back something if away etc. I do invite them on days out.

My dd is 9 and doesn't get to leave the table without at least clearing her own plate and taking to the dishwasher and generally helping out a bit. D's is only 3 so his help isnt real help - more hindrance - but he often "helps " with cooking, table laying etc.

No one can live in a family and just expect table service surely? As in, called to table, comes in and parks bum, eats food and clears off again without helping. Even a visiting family member would stay and chat to me while I cleared up and offer to help even if I said no.

I think this thread is more about young people who have come directly from their own family where they perhaps haven't been asked to help rather than the exact status of au pairs. It's part of seeing yourself as one of the adults to properly pitch in in the family you live in.

anonymity that's really interesting. X posted there!

My current au pair is lovely. My only gripe is she doesn't tell me when she doesn't understand what I've said IN English and tries to guess the answer. If she told me I could try a few different ways and/ or attempt it in French! Just worries me that she bluffs and agrees to do things with out knowing what she's agreed to!

They're not quite guests and not quite employees. I wouldn't expect an au pair to clean up after adult family members, but equally I do expect them to clean up after themselves, load the dishwasher, take a bin out even if not "work time". These are just things you have to do if you live in a house with other people.

I bought mine presents, took them out to various places (if they wanted to come with us) and treated them as one of the family. They were allowed guests to stay (including if we were away for the weekend and they didn't want to come). I also paid for my au pair to go to Canada to visit her sister, whom she hadn't seen for five years and gave her a month's paid leave to go - she was utterly lovely and we are still in contact. She had gone above and beyond for me, and I wanted to do the same for her, if I could.

Oh yes we had ex au pairs brother to stay for a week (with him) - happy to spend the extra money to feed another person as he was nice au pair.

Our au pairs have emptying the dishwasher as one of their jobs (they do very little housework) which really helps me as I have back problems. They know this from the start. But not at weekends. If they are home alone on the weekend and the dishwasher is clean I wouldn't expect them to leave it all weekend for me to do!

I think occasionally taking the bin out, I.e.not forcing more and more rubbish in all day when they are the only person home, is reasonable but not expecting them to do it all the time or be the main person to do it.

@brasty my host family bought me as many gifts as their children, invited me on holiday, paid for my trip to Disney so they could take a skiing trip with their skiing babysitter, paid my gym membership, sent me £££ gifts when I had my baby, and would be furious if i went to their country on holiday now and didn't go visit. I think cousin is not close enough!

Swan off .... after putting her own plate into the sink or dishwasher.

I still visit the family I au paired for 16 years later. Now they babysit my children for me when I see them!

They treated me like family and I love them all. I refer to them as my family.