Au Pairs off duty

[CEOD]

I was just wondering what the general consensus was r.e. Aupairs and mealtimes when they are off-duty. Should they just treat our home like a hotel and come to meals which are already cooked, a table already set and then swan off out again afterwards without offering any help whatsoever? Or do you think they should be like a family member? A teenage daughter who should pull their weight in the home and help with either meal prep or clearing up afterwards? I don't know who's being unreasonable here!

Lipstick - if I rented out the en suite central london bedroom our au pair lives on then that rental income, plus the money I pay the au pair would enable be to spend £325 on a nanny for the 25 hours I use the au pair. So I could pay a nanny £13 a hour and not have to cover food and bills.

We have au pairs because it’s a fantastic set up for us and them.

Sure thing

Why don't you rent out the room and get a nanny then Anonimity? Let's not pretend it's not anything other than a cheap form of childcare in exchange for the pain in the arse of having someone live in your house.

I don't think it's akin to slavery but it's not an altruistic gesture either

In answer to the OP, I'd expect them to contribute to the same level as older children/adults so clearing the table, loading dishwasher. Not cleaning up the kitchen

Nannies in Central London cost more than that.

Why on earth would you employ an au-pair instead of a nanny if it's cheaper?

I have au-pairs, they are great, I do respect them but they are: unqualified, have basic English (at best) and cannot be compared with a professional nanny.

It's because I recognise that they are paid extremely cheaply that I wouldn't expect any over-time, or to "help out" for free or out of their working hours!

Back to original thread, if they are not paid to do so, I wouldn't expect them to make diner. If I ask them exceptionally, I would offer extra money, or extra time in lieu.

YANBU to expect any adult (or child) eating in your home to clear their plate away after eating, I don’t think she should be preparing meals though.

That’s quite a poor example Anonymity.if you rented your room,you’d have a tenant
A tenant who wouldn’t be undertaking childcare,meal prep,school run,homework and trips

You’d still then have to employ someone for childcare,chores etc

What you in fact have is live in au pair who does all the above tasks and more and au pairs cost less than nannies

Lipstick - that’s my point, if I had a tenants I would receive rent which I could use to pay a nanny (who would not be the same person as the tenant). We did this before we had au pairs but my kids got slightly older and we wanted a more big sisterly approach. Plus I prefer living with an au pair as part of the family than with a tenant who is not part of the family and who it felt stranger sharing space with.

We always employ from Australia so language is not an issue. We have stayed friends with all our au pairs, in fact this weekend we have had au pair no 3 staying here on holiday and hanging out with us and our current au pair. We took both to Brighton for the day with the kids and they did all the roller coasters which make me sick, the kids loved it, they loved it, we loved it, it works for all of us.

Au pairs cost less than nannies,so you must be quids in.otherwise why do it
You took au pair and kids to Brighton, but au pair was working,supervising kids
It wasn’t an adults trip sans children.it was au pair working

She wasn’t working! She went on a couple of rides with the kids while I stood and watched. I paid for them. She wanted to go on the rides, I certainly didn’t suggest it. She was invited to come on a day trip we were doing as a family because we always offer to include her, in case she’s at a loose end or wants to see a different city. She came, she had fun. We paid for her lunch and the lunch of her predecessor who is staying with us, they shopped the Lanes while we met friends, it was not a working day in any shape or form.

She was with your kids,keeping them in mind,escorting on rides.she was working

My dd (19) worked as an au pair recently and she ate with the family during the week. However her weekends were off duty time and the family let her know that she could eat with them (but to let them know in advance) or she could prepare her own meals.

It is important to establish a routine from the start to minimise misunderstandings.

As is frequently stated, au pair means equal or on a par . So they are like a family member, older child of the family, visiting cousin etc.

On weekday evenings if I cook the au pair will usually help set the table and help clear up. If they cook (rare) I will clear up. Obviously it's "help" clear up rather than them doing it all but I wouldn't expect anyone to just swam off- not even my 9 yo would be allowed to do that.

On weekends if they choose to eat with us they usually help clear up, whoever else is there generally sets the table so the au pair does get to just sit down to a prepared meal.

Au pairs food is part of their wages, along with board, not having any bills etc. They can choose to make their own meals with ingredients bought by the family instead of joining family meals instead and that's completely their choice.

However anyone who joins in a family meal will help clear up out of basic politeness. It's not work to help with the dishes etc when you've partaken of a meal.

Set the rules at the start. Then you each know where you are.

It's just as hard for the au pair living in your house and trying to treat it as home as it is for you having them there.

But, yeah, letting you know she is eating with you and clearing her plate is part of the package.

I've au paired for wonderful families where we ate out together and cut down the Xmas tree and really worked as a family unit and I've worked for families where I was treated as a skivvy.

I used to get p*ssy when the dad of the family I worked with used to eat a bowl of cereal with milk splashing all over the table and expect me to clean up after him. I didn't.

It's quite scary being in a different country so don't forget that, too.

Re going on outings, I think you have to make it clear if it's an invitation or something you are requesting for them to do. If you are requesting they come to help out then it's work. I would rarely do that.

If I invite them to come if they want to, that's a different thing and they would behave like any family friend who was coming along. So they wouldn't ignore the kids but they wouldn't supervise them either.

Lipstick - you seem to see au pairs as some kind of slave labour. They're not, and they fulfil a different role to nannies. We had a nanny for ours when they were very little - when they were 4+ we transitioned to au pairs. We didn't need someone full time, just to pick the girls up from school stay with them when they got home, give them something to eat and play with them until we got in. Housework was minimal - clean up if the girls had been doing something messy, toys back in the box, hoover round if needed.

We would include au pairs in days out if they wanted to come - if we were going somewhere they would find interesting, and they were welcome to do their own thing or hang out with us.

Going back to the original question, I didn't expect them to do anything on their days off if they were eating with us, but most did help clear the table and clean up.

(And I don't think Anonymity's au pair was working on the day off.)

stef that's awful 're the dad.

Thats exactly the type of thing I always had to pick ex h up on - put your own breakfast plate in the dishwasher, as otherwise you are expecting au pair to do it (or me, but I won't and would be out anyway) and it's not his/her job.

Whenever I join a family for a meal I don’t tidy up,nor do i expect guests to tidy up

It's not work to help with the dishes etc when you've partaken of a meal....really?
I’d never ask a guest to load dishwasher after they’ve had a meal.theyre a guest

I wouldn't ask anyone, Lipstick, but if I was staying with eg my cousin, I would definitely offer.

black he refused me use of the spare car as I would not pick up after him. I was so happy it was an interim post for 5 months. Au pair after me lasted 3 months.

I used to appear from my room at 8.30 and walk out the front door at 5.30.

But equally had some lovely families

I wouldn't get her to clear up or help prepare. Jesus, she's doing you a favour re cheap childcare that's why you have an au pair.

He sounds shitty stef. Glad you had some nice families though.

A bit confused about the posters who think laying the table or helping to clear up are a big deal or some how not what any normal person would offer to do.

lipstick guests might not help tidy up but family do! Au pairs are family members not guests. If I visit my Mum or my auntie etc I will help clear up- who wouldn't? Au pairs live in the house, comparing them to a guest is silly.

That said I wouldn't expect them to do all the clearing up even if I'd cooked, just to help. It's a good example for the kids if everyone helps as well!

Except in reality Au Pairs are not treated as family members.

Oh! Why not? Mine are.