AIBU to think it’s hard to have lots of friends as an adult?

[Didntcomeheretofuckspiders]

I’m an adult woman in my mid-late 20s, settled with my partner, working full time, spending our time off together... enjoying our little bubble really. But it has occurred to me that I don’t really have a lot of friends? I have a two or three friends who I text occasionally, and probably have coffee or a meal with someone once a month, possibly slightly more. Is this abnormal? Don’t get me wrong: I get on with people at work, I have acquaintances at the gym and other hobbies, and I see family regularly. I just don’t really know how other people have time to have a massive social life? Maybe it’s because I prioritise my hobbies and getting enough sleep? I’m perfectly happy, I’m just wondering if this is normal?

I don't see friends in pubs. They come over or I go to theirs or we go for dinner somewhere/cinema etc. Sometimes just me and them and sometimes my DH too.
When do you train each day? At 5am? That's what sounds exhausting lol!
Do you and your partner not go out with friends together or have people over?

I crave close friendships. I have them. If you do it’s achievable. If you don’t, no problem.

3 or 4 Close friends is all you need. Why are you talking about 100 At a party. That’s not close friends. They can put Bly he barely acquaintances. You can only maintain a few close friendships.

@SilverSpot

Saying people with very few friends are lonely and self-absorbed is a horrible thing to say. Many people find it hard to make friends, and then keep them when they have them. Some friends are here for a day, some for a season, some for much longer. All the tv programmes that we watch (like 'Friends') where people have big groups of pals who they share their life and hobbies and social life with, are the exception rather than the rule.

Most people do not have groups like this. And even the people I know who HAVE had groups like this; they often don't last. There were a bunch of 4 women at my workplace who were like the 4 musketeers for about 2 and a half years. Like joined at the hip, BFFLs, went on hols together, for meals together, celebrated birthdays together, and were obsessive about their friendship. They even had a 'group' name; ECHO (Ellie, Claire, Hannah, and Olivia.) Claire was married and Ellie was engaged to be married in 2016. Hannah and Olivia were single.

Then Hannah had an affair with Claire's husband, and the whole lot went to shit. Olivia sided with her, and Ellie sided with Claire. Then a few months later, all 4 women were not even speaking to one another, and half a year after it all exploded, two of them left the workplace.

I had many more friends when I was in my late teens and 20's, at work, in the neighbourhood, at the pub, at the gym, ex schoolmates etc, but most of them moved away, or we lost touch,...

Sometimes friends can be more trouble than they are worth, and just use and abuse you and only want to be friends when it suits. I have just one BFF who I have known since we were 7, and several 'friendly acquaintances' who I see for coffee once a month. (The 'friendly acquaintances change every couple of years depending on my hobbies and interests.) I also have my family.

That is quite enough for me. After many years of having friends who shit on me, and took the piss, or just fucked off and ghosted me, I can't be arsed with people now, and stay very guarded, keeping people at arm's length. Say what you like about it, it works for me. DH is the same. Has one BFF, and a couple of casual buddies and his family, and that is enough.

Re what @grobagsforever said... Thing is, if you and your DH split, you can deal with it when it happens, and talk to whoever is in your life at that time. To try and force friendships with people purely so you can have someone to moan to when your relationship with your man goes tits up, is just bloody daft.

I am 40 now by the way.

I have quite a few friends, 3 close friends since childhood although over the years with children and family stuff etc we lost touch for a while, but always reconnected. I made other friends along the way. So maybe 10 friends in total?

Im a big music fan with varied tastes so my social life revolves around that - I socialise with different sets of friends depending on the genre. Also quite active in my own (cultural) community so there are events related to that too. & I do a dance class with another friend.

I've been with OH 5 years - we don't live together but between being at each other's homes we spend around 4 nights of the week together. We also socialise and do a hobby together. No plans at all to live together, it's nice now and we each have our space when we want it.

I could not have just my partner as my only friend, much as I love him. I need female friendships too. My DCs live with me but are in their 20s, both have partners sometimes it's like ships passing in the night here. Children don't stay little forever I was never one to build my life totally around DCs. They grow up, spread their wings and they're off, which is exactly as it should be. They like that I have an active life. A life built around the DCs is absolutely ok for those fine with just family life - eg waiting for DCs to grow up then you await grandparent stage - but I'm not really that way inclined.

I am both introvert and extrovert. I can be very social, then have days when I love being by myself pottering around.

You sound OK really OP. As in, not unhappy. Which is fine, although you must want to make at least some changes since you're asking questions here. Do make changes where you can. Essentially it's about what and who you feel comfortable with. I mentioned I have 20 friends but we don't go out in a big group, I see them at different times/events. I'm not a "big group" person

@PeiPeiPing it’s not self absorbed to not have many friends, I think it’s self absorbed to say you don’t want any, can’t be bothered, and work/hobby/DP is enough.

To only have ‘emotional energy’ to meet up with friends once a month when you don’t have children is pretty extreme and puts all the OPs eggs in one basket.

Sometimes friends can be more trouble than they are worth, and just use and abuse you and only want to be friends when it suits

If friends make you feel bad about yourself, they aren’t real friends.

... not actually sure I said any of that in my original post, prior to being called self-absorbed. I said I only have a few friends/didn’t spend lots of time socialising. Not that I don’t have any friends, don’t want any and can’t be bothered.

@SilverSpot

Fine you have your opinion. I disagree and I think you are wrong.

If people choose to not have many people around them, that is their right.

And as I said, trying to force friendships, purely so you can have someone to moan at if you and your partner split, is ludicrous. Also it makes you look a bit desperate if you are trying to make/have as many friends as possible. As a few have said on here, it's the quality, not the quantity of friends that is important.

I always laugh out loud at the people who have 500 'friends' on facebook. Know how many I have? 63. A mix of colleagues, family, several penpals, and several friends (and their family.) But then again, these are people I actually know in real life. Unlike people who have 500+ 'friends' on facebook.

I don't need fake or forced friends to make me look popular, as I don't give a flying fuck what people think of me. If people who need to have 2 dozen 'friends' at any one time think I am insular and self absorbed, so be it; I think they are insecure and needy, and desperate to prove how 'popular' they are. And I actually pity them. I know several people who were like that when they were in their 20's, and then they grew up.